Brain Hurts

Last week, when Bron and I went out to dinner, we started talking about the whole chronic fatigue that I had, and the chronic pain thing that she still has, and she mentioned this piece on how the effects of chronic fatigue may impact the brain as well as the body (in the BBC Health section)...

Some cases of chronic fatigue syndrome could be due to brain "injuries" caused during the early stages of glandular fever, scientists suggest.

A University of New South Wales team has followed people with Epstein-Barr virus since 1999.

They suggest those who remained ill after the virus had gone had suffered a "hit-and-run injury" to the brain.

I wasn't surprised to read this. I remember that, after my E-B titer had come down to acceptable levels, I still felt terribly fatigued.

And I felt physically ill, in some way or another, for the following 10 years. It was only when my sex drive came back, full force like I was a teenager, that I realized that I might finally be all better from the C-F.

Still, I harbor a distinct fear of working full-time. Perhaps because the last time I held a bona fide full-time job, I often felt sick and tired when I came home, with swelling in my abdomen and ankles. During the C-F I learned to pay attention to swelling in my abdomen, as the Epstein Barr virus attacks the spleen. At one point in my life, a swollen abdomen might not necessarily be an indication of gas, but of a more serious and life-threatening problem.

Bron herself has had chronic pain since a devastating fall down a flight of stairs several years ago that resulted in back surgery. Doctors can't seem to find any reason for the pain, but it lingers.

And we agreed that any condition that shocks the body--catastropic illness or devastating accident--must have some impact on the brain that can cause one to feel ill well after the illness or injury is gone.

But what to do about it--we don't know.

I often contemplate the consequences of my C-F: extra vigilance when it comes to drinking from water fountains, not using communal silverware, watching my body for any sign that might be an indication that my immune system has been compromised again. Lately, I've had a swelling on the white, gelatinous part of my right eye. I don't know what could be causing it--and it could be just eyestrain. Or, it could be a condition that is a result of an auto-immune condition. The Experts think that C-F can set off a number of auto-immune conditions, including MS and Lupus.

I'm not a hypochondriac by any stretch of the imagination. I go to the dr. maybe twice a year for a semi-annual thyroid check. Otherwise, I just deal. So, for me to want to see a doctor about my eye, well, it's because I'm concerned that something's gone wrong again.

I don't look forward to a life of illness, but I'm kind of prepared for it. It's something I know how to handle, and something I almost expect. There's too much that Experts don't know about C-F or the Epstein-Barr virus, to make me fel confident that nothing else is going to happen to me.

Doctors can't give me a totally clean bill of health because, with E-B, they don't really know what makes up a clean bill of health. So, I deal with it--but I don't make big plans. A lot of my future looks fuzzy, and I don't know if I'm going to end up with something Horrible-Terrible and debilitating yet again. I can't gage how much stress is going to set off an episode, or if I'm totally free of episodes, because nobody can tell me anything about the long-range effects of E-B.

It's a life in limbo, with no knowing if I can ever commit to a future of any kind.

And if the illness itself hasn't had an effect on my brain, imagine what it must be like to live not knowing if I've got a ticking viral time-bomb, or if the thing's been totally defused.

Yet having *some* evidence that E-B may have had an effect on my brain as much as my body, helps explain a lot about how, and why, I feel the way I do about my body. It might also explain why, if I really have been in good physical health for awhile, I've had a hard time comprehending my good physical health. Perhaps it's just taking my brain a bit longer than it took my body.

But I'll never really know...