Fear Factor
Lately, I've been focused on raising my Profile (whatever I mean by that), creating more of a Reputation for myself (whatever that's supposed to be), and, hopefully, starting a business of some sort, or getting a job of some kind, that will provide me with steady income (and maybe benefits).
But, in focusing my efforts on these aspects of my life, something else seems to have slipped away from me--my desire for sex.
I fear what I'm feeling right now because I've been there before. I lost any desire for sex somewhere in the middle of my last marriage--in the middle of my 30's when there were supposed to be great changes going on in my body that were supposed to enhance sex. That loss had to do with a failing marriage, chronic fatigue syndrome, and anti-depressants.
Those three are sure desire-killers just as much as a bundle of children and an over-loaded daily schedule can be.
Over the past year and a half, in my balance between Lucky Bastard and Steady Eddie, I had found, again, how wondrous sex could be.
Now that it is slipping, I am in a dead panic. I don't want to become that neutered blob I became in my 30's--the blob who lost everything. I don't want to miss out on all the carnal pleasures my body can handle in one day. I don't want to be oblivious to the changes--I want to feel them and to know them. I do not want my sexuality forced into a coffin and nailed shut with responsibilities as it had been nailed up in the past by illness and medication.
I can't handle going thru that again. I can't handle missing something essential to my womanhood just because I need to focus on making money.
But I don't know what to do. My life often ends up being fraught with either/or propositions--and I know I'm not alone in this. Alot of people end up having to make these sorts of Faustian choices.
Can I outrun Mephistopheles this time? I'm not sure I have the speed nor the cunning to do so.
It makes me wonder, too, how many men find themselves in the position of choosing making money over having fabulous sex. I wonder, too, if ignoring sex when in their 30's causes some men to go bonkers with sex in midlife. Men have biological clocks, too, end up going thru something called andropause and have a significant drop in testosterone when they hit 50-or-so. Do they sense this in their mid-40's, know that the time to "make hay" is running short, and want to do it all and everything before biology slows them up?
I wonder how much sex and success are linked--if one is usually sacrificed for the other. Or if it's just a condition unique to some of us.
At the moment, though, I sit with a bellyfull of fear and wonder what road to take...if I should be the grasshopper or the ant....if I will turn into something asexual and money-driven....if I will lose my warmth and sensuality...if I will gain an expanded bank account at the expense of going numb below the waist.
I fear a place that may be completely unfamiliar....because smells like a place that's all too familiar.
tags: Sex
But, in focusing my efforts on these aspects of my life, something else seems to have slipped away from me--my desire for sex.
I fear what I'm feeling right now because I've been there before. I lost any desire for sex somewhere in the middle of my last marriage--in the middle of my 30's when there were supposed to be great changes going on in my body that were supposed to enhance sex. That loss had to do with a failing marriage, chronic fatigue syndrome, and anti-depressants.
Those three are sure desire-killers just as much as a bundle of children and an over-loaded daily schedule can be.
Over the past year and a half, in my balance between Lucky Bastard and Steady Eddie, I had found, again, how wondrous sex could be.
Now that it is slipping, I am in a dead panic. I don't want to become that neutered blob I became in my 30's--the blob who lost everything. I don't want to miss out on all the carnal pleasures my body can handle in one day. I don't want to be oblivious to the changes--I want to feel them and to know them. I do not want my sexuality forced into a coffin and nailed shut with responsibilities as it had been nailed up in the past by illness and medication.
I can't handle going thru that again. I can't handle missing something essential to my womanhood just because I need to focus on making money.
But I don't know what to do. My life often ends up being fraught with either/or propositions--and I know I'm not alone in this. Alot of people end up having to make these sorts of Faustian choices.
Can I outrun Mephistopheles this time? I'm not sure I have the speed nor the cunning to do so.
It makes me wonder, too, how many men find themselves in the position of choosing making money over having fabulous sex. I wonder, too, if ignoring sex when in their 30's causes some men to go bonkers with sex in midlife. Men have biological clocks, too, end up going thru something called andropause and have a significant drop in testosterone when they hit 50-or-so. Do they sense this in their mid-40's, know that the time to "make hay" is running short, and want to do it all and everything before biology slows them up?
I wonder how much sex and success are linked--if one is usually sacrificed for the other. Or if it's just a condition unique to some of us.
At the moment, though, I sit with a bellyfull of fear and wonder what road to take...if I should be the grasshopper or the ant....if I will turn into something asexual and money-driven....if I will lose my warmth and sensuality...if I will gain an expanded bank account at the expense of going numb below the waist.
I fear a place that may be completely unfamiliar....because smells like a place that's all too familiar.
tags: Sex
Daily Life
Musings
posted by Tish Grier at 1:00 PM
4 Comments:
I don't think so. How you feel today isn't necessarily how you'll feel about tomorrow. After all, when you were sexually supercharged, did you have a guarantee that you'd *always* stay that way? Likewise, this is probably a passing thing and just a normal reaction to the many events that have transpired in your life. If you didn't have some kind of reaction to it, that would be abnormal.
I understand that loss of sex drive when you're stressed or uncertain or all those things. I go through it periodically when work gets stressful or if I'm worried about the future of my goals. What I find helps me is to put it away. Make time during the day that I will think about and work towards those goals, and then make sure there is time that I WILL NOT STRESS ABOUT IT. It's hard, but it really helps to have time where you leave all that shit outside the door. Work stuff is easy to leave behind, because I don't have to work overtime, and so when I leave the office, I leave work problems and concerns there... Perhaps you could create a space where you will work and think about these things, and make sure that you don't do them in the area where you relax and have sex. It might help keep them divided. Good luck.
Oh... and the back of your head is on Heather Armstrong's flikr album :)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/dooce/30629613/in/set-684828/
prioritizing and creating good boundaries has always been difficult for me. There's always swings in one direction or the other--elation or disappointment. I think it comes from having a drama queen-y constistution...I'm going to try not to worry about the loss for the time being, and see what happens. my natural worrying tendancies, though, are awfully hard to curb.
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