Dorky-Assed Dating Advice Can Change Your Life
That big ole fatty-fathead Dr. Phil has started giving women dating and relationship advice! Just who the heck does he think he is?? He says things like
And he tells women to be their authentic selves!
Doesn't he realize he's going against years and years of so many generations of mother's dating advice? Not to mention all those fabulous self-help books that were published en masse in the 1980's? All those moms and all those books told women how we had to listen to the men who wanted to go out with us--take up their hobbies and learn about the men. There was nothing about being yourself. What man would want a woman who was acting like herself?? Women had to make themselves over to be who the men wanted them to be--even if that meant, for some, getting plastic surgery!
Doesn't he know that's the only way to keep a man?
Doesn't he know that women are supposed to take on "diamonds in the rough"--you know, those guys with bad table manners who don't dress properly--and that women can then *change* these men into Ideal Husbands.
And who does he think he is saying *this*:
Doesn't he realize that when two people break up it's *always* the man's fault? Doesn't he get that it's men who have the problems and women don't need to change anything about who *they* are (that is, as long as they *know* who they are)?
Okay....I"m stretching it just a bit here...and, there are indeed lots of shows where Dr. Phil is off base. But, quite frankly, what he says about dating is consistent and very much right on. I would have liked to have heard a lot of this stuff back when I was in my 20's and single. I know that in my generation, women were often told very wrong and very bad things by their own mothers when it came to dating and men. Lots of mothers never really dated past their teenage years, and were incapable of advising their daughters on what to do about being "single" (being "single" really means being out of college, supporting yourself, and living on your own. Before that, you're still someone's dependent.) We were given the advice that we had to change ourselves in order for men to want us--that the best thing to do was to adapt to his world and forget about our own. We were told how we could change him if we loved him enough.
Love, after all, will conquer all.
But that advice--where it came from, who knows; and why it perpetuates, who knows--is some of the most destructive advice ever given. Women are constantly trying to please men, trying to make relationships work at the expense of ourselves. We feel pressure to look a certain way and behave a certain way because it is nurtured in us that men are the ones who choose us and that we have nothing to say about the process.
Lots of women get good at disguising and not being their authentic selves. We do it because there's always the fear that the Authenic Self will offend someone. We do it because we have to "win" the right husband--that he won't find us or come to us. Thing is, no matter how good we are, no matter how pretty we might be, and no matter how much we contort ourselves to fit every place we need to fit in, there will probably be *someone* who's offended.
Not to mention that always changing, changing, changing has left me, particularly, exhausted and unable to commit to anything. I feel like a chameleon who's trying to turn its skin plaid.
And, the odd thing is, I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not the only woman who's listened to, and absorbed so much of that bad advice, and finds her relationships screwed up and lots of other things not working out right.
Bad dating advice like what a lot of us heard isn't just bad dating advice. It's bad life advice. It tells us that we don't count--not just our opinions, but all of us. We are nothing but clay that has to be molded by the men who choose us.
Can we change any of this without Dr. Phil though?
Sure. We don't need Dr. Phil directly. We might not even need a Dr. of any kind. It takes courage. It takes a sense of humor and the ability to forgive ourselves not just for past mistakes but also for any mistakes we make in the present that are a result of simply being in process of re-arranging and becoming who we really are.
We also have to believe in the goodness of human nature, and that our Process won't be held against us at some point after we've changed.
And don't be surprised if the changes needed to be made in our dating lives are similar to changes we will have to make in other aspects of our lives...
A common mistake of many single people is that they try to change themselves for the person they are dating. When you do that, you're not being true to who you are, and it will bite you in the rear.
And he tells women to be their authentic selves!
Doesn't he realize he's going against years and years of so many generations of mother's dating advice? Not to mention all those fabulous self-help books that were published en masse in the 1980's? All those moms and all those books told women how we had to listen to the men who wanted to go out with us--take up their hobbies and learn about the men. There was nothing about being yourself. What man would want a woman who was acting like herself?? Women had to make themselves over to be who the men wanted them to be--even if that meant, for some, getting plastic surgery!
Doesn't he know that's the only way to keep a man?
Doesn't he know that women are supposed to take on "diamonds in the rough"--you know, those guys with bad table manners who don't dress properly--and that women can then *change* these men into Ideal Husbands.
And who does he think he is saying *this*:
Acknowledge what you own in a relationship. If you look at relationships that haven't worked, the common denominator is you! That means you own part of the problem. You create your own experience and control the choices you make. Your behavior and decisions have consequences. Take responsibility for them.
Doesn't he realize that when two people break up it's *always* the man's fault? Doesn't he get that it's men who have the problems and women don't need to change anything about who *they* are (that is, as long as they *know* who they are)?
Okay....I"m stretching it just a bit here...and, there are indeed lots of shows where Dr. Phil is off base. But, quite frankly, what he says about dating is consistent and very much right on. I would have liked to have heard a lot of this stuff back when I was in my 20's and single. I know that in my generation, women were often told very wrong and very bad things by their own mothers when it came to dating and men. Lots of mothers never really dated past their teenage years, and were incapable of advising their daughters on what to do about being "single" (being "single" really means being out of college, supporting yourself, and living on your own. Before that, you're still someone's dependent.) We were given the advice that we had to change ourselves in order for men to want us--that the best thing to do was to adapt to his world and forget about our own. We were told how we could change him if we loved him enough.
Love, after all, will conquer all.
But that advice--where it came from, who knows; and why it perpetuates, who knows--is some of the most destructive advice ever given. Women are constantly trying to please men, trying to make relationships work at the expense of ourselves. We feel pressure to look a certain way and behave a certain way because it is nurtured in us that men are the ones who choose us and that we have nothing to say about the process.
Lots of women get good at disguising and not being their authentic selves. We do it because there's always the fear that the Authenic Self will offend someone. We do it because we have to "win" the right husband--that he won't find us or come to us. Thing is, no matter how good we are, no matter how pretty we might be, and no matter how much we contort ourselves to fit every place we need to fit in, there will probably be *someone* who's offended.
Not to mention that always changing, changing, changing has left me, particularly, exhausted and unable to commit to anything. I feel like a chameleon who's trying to turn its skin plaid.
And, the odd thing is, I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not the only woman who's listened to, and absorbed so much of that bad advice, and finds her relationships screwed up and lots of other things not working out right.
Bad dating advice like what a lot of us heard isn't just bad dating advice. It's bad life advice. It tells us that we don't count--not just our opinions, but all of us. We are nothing but clay that has to be molded by the men who choose us.
Can we change any of this without Dr. Phil though?
Sure. We don't need Dr. Phil directly. We might not even need a Dr. of any kind. It takes courage. It takes a sense of humor and the ability to forgive ourselves not just for past mistakes but also for any mistakes we make in the present that are a result of simply being in process of re-arranging and becoming who we really are.
We also have to believe in the goodness of human nature, and that our Process won't be held against us at some point after we've changed.
And don't be surprised if the changes needed to be made in our dating lives are similar to changes we will have to make in other aspects of our lives...
posted by Tish Grier at 6:08 PM
9 Comments:
I was very fortunate. My mother gave me only one piece of dating advice: Never settle.
By that, she didn't mean the guy had to be rich or drop-dead gorgeous or a doctor or any of that. She meant, Never settle for anyone who treats you badly. Never settle for anyone who doesn't respect you. Never settle for just any guy when being home with a good book would feel just as good, if not better. (I broke that last rule a few times, I'd like to add!)
I was fortunate to meet my "never settle" guy when I was a junior in college. But I always expected to meet that guy much later in life (I was never a Miss Popularity type). I always expected that it would take years to meet a guy who "got" me. I was just plain lucky to meet him earlier.
I know that you'll meet that guy when the time is right, Tish--Dr. Phil or no Dr. Phil. Never settle!
wow...all I ever got from my mom was how I was going to have to settle, or more appropriately, trap someone into marrying me. She wanted me married and out of the house at 16 (and I had the boyfriend)--would have even approved of me quitting school to get married.
I don't worry too much these days about marrying anymore. At this point, kids are out of the picture, so marriage isn't that much of a big deal. I do, though, worry about the bad philosophies that have screwed up so many *other* women, too. It just sucks.
I've also been wrestling how that those same messages drive so many *other* things in my life. Identifying the source has, though, been a relief
Reading this, I am so glad my mother never gave me any dating advice at all. She just taught me how to be me, and it must havebeen enough. Either that, or I dated enough jerks to learn *I* wasn't the problem and sure as hell wasn't going to change myself for some idiot. It wasn't until I decided I didn't want or need a man in my life that I met the one I ended up marrying.
Funny how life changes. Funny how ideas of freedom change.
makes me think that some of the *best* dating advice, at times, can be *no* dating advice.
But then how can I use Alison's Personal Motto #2--"Take my advice, I'm not using it!"? :-)
ha! sounds like it's time for a new motto :-)
It's hard when the guy you like is an arsehole - it really does take all the strength you have. Never settling is so much easier said than done -but it can be done. The more I tell myself that, the more I believe it.
Stupidest dating advice ever? My father told me if I didn't start sleeping with my new boyfriend soon, then he (my boyfriend) would leave me.
That was 10 years ago and I'm still dumbfounded when I think of that. BTW my boyfriend & I are still together after 10 years.
Another fab piece of advice from an aunt: "If you can't cook, how do you ever expect to find a husband?"
yow! that's some *seriously* bad advice for sure!
I'm wondering if there might not be a market for a book of collected bad dating advice--just so we can put all the b.s. in one reference to consult when we think someone's telling us something totally awful.
my mom said I'd never get married because I couldn't keep house. been married twice. don't think the divorces had anything to do with bad housekeeping.
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