Can't get There from Here
I woke up this morning with a feeling of both Dread and Panic. It's amazing how Dread will slow down Panic, and Panic will bring a bit of heart-thump and excitement to Dread...
"I don't think I'm going to get to the Professional Level I want," it hit me, right between the eyes. "I just don't think it's going to happen. Too many Bad Things over the years. Not enough of the kind of business-oriented Experience to position myself accordingly. Maybe not even enough Connections or Charm. I don't think I'm going to get There."
A year or so ago, the New York Times had a great article in their Education section about college and career-changing. It was the first realistic look at career-changing I'd ever read. To sum it up: career-changing is hard, since changers have to start at the bottom of whereever they want to be. It helps to have a supportive partner/spouse to pick up the income slack while trying to implement the change. Most employers don't like mid-life career-changers, so changers have to rely on the mercy of an employer that doesn't mind someone older (who is often perceived as less sharp, more expensieve, and--let's face it--less "charming" than a youngster) The easiest career change is a lateral move after college or grad school--simply go back to one's expertise as a certified expert.
This was a far cry from all the happy-happy-joy-joy life-changing stories I'd been reading in women's magazines for years. All those well-meaning books (Women's Day, Family Circle, Redbook, etc) and Lifetime/Oh! Network specials love to highlight women who've struggled thru college--usually single mothers--who have had nothing and become executives or company owners, or some other Highly Successful Career. The message is always, "Yes! You can do it, too! Go! Take that chance because you, too, can have the Career of your Dreams!"
I don't know...maybe part of it was that, when I graduated college, I was at a point in my life where I couldn't dream. I couldn't see a future for myself because the one person I ever dared to love walked out of my life--and I could not, for the life of me, remember what I always wanted for myself. My life dreams before I'd married had been packed up, tucked away, so that I could build a constructive partnership and maintain my marriage.
I always thought marriage required sacrificing singlehood's selfish dreams--all that stuff we'd do as a substitute for Love, and the people we'd be if we were Without that Soul-mate could be packed up and put away once I'd find Love. I expected those Dreams could be substituted for shiny new Dreams that encompassed the dreams of the other person, putting everthing under the umbrella of Life Together.
It was odd how I had amnesia during my college years--because I'd forgot all those singlehood dreams. I could only do the One-Day-at-a-Time thing, not worry/think about the future.
There was also a hope that I'd just die one day. That life would be over. Don't know how that was supposed to happen, but I figured by "natural causes." I'd been wrestling with physical illness for so long that the idea of something mercifully exploding inside me one day really wasn't all that far-fetched.
Long-term physical illness can do that to anyone, I think. When the Will is strong but the Body so weak, there's the sense that, perhaps, one day, the Body will simply supercede the Will and everthing will be over. Thing is, there are a plethora of debilitating illnesses that feel fatal but really aren't--not in the way that cancer is fatal. Debilitating, non-fatal illness justs shoves Dreams into a narrow tunnel--and all I could do was hope for the best while making it thru the day.
It took about 3 years after graduation in '01 to re-build my health. I knew I was out of it when, oddly, I got my sex drive back. Sex drive is always a sign of good health!
It then took me another 2 years to finally reach back and touch those dreams I'd had when I was single, and to realize that there were ways I could climb that mountain--write and get myself published and get some respect for it.
Funny thing is, my vision's been kind of narrow--because I wanted to make something of my writing, and I'd had years of tunnel vision, I couldn't put together that I might need to do more than write. And I never anticipated that the isolation of writing would, on occasion, drive me, an extrovert, just a bit bonkers. I miss meeting and talking with all kinds of different people.
I still battle fatigue on some level--don't know if, now, it's a case of being over 40 rather than over 20, or if there's still an illness lurking, waiting to overtake me again, but I certainly don't have the top energy I had when I was younger.
So, I don't know Where, or how Far, I can get to from Here. When I look back at the past year, of what I've done in that time, I realize I'm on a Path again. I'm writing and getting paid for it. I pitch articles and people say "sure! I'd like that story!" and "go for it!" But I look down and up the Road of Life and remember the Dreams I had when I was in my 20's of being a writer and think "Shit! I need to hustle if I want to be Somewhere other than just Here." Here's okay--but Here isn't providing for retirement nor medical insurance. I worry that there's just not enough Time left, or that my Energy is going to collapse one day when I least expect it.
Not just that--there are the cold, hard realities of career-changing and I realize that some doors may be closed to me because of my age. It's ugly, but the fact remains that while we may feel our potential is unlimited, it can quite easily become limited by others. We can battle those naysayers--yet constant battling not only wears us down, but also, for me, makes it so that I have a bit of trouble trusting when I don't have to battle.
What, though, do I do if I can't get There--if I have really miscalculated my life and really screwed things up for my Old Age?
Can't worry about that now. Have writing I have to do. Pitches to make. Contracts to follow-up. People to call. Things to do. And no precious Energy to waste.
"I don't think I'm going to get to the Professional Level I want," it hit me, right between the eyes. "I just don't think it's going to happen. Too many Bad Things over the years. Not enough of the kind of business-oriented Experience to position myself accordingly. Maybe not even enough Connections or Charm. I don't think I'm going to get There."
A year or so ago, the New York Times had a great article in their Education section about college and career-changing. It was the first realistic look at career-changing I'd ever read. To sum it up: career-changing is hard, since changers have to start at the bottom of whereever they want to be. It helps to have a supportive partner/spouse to pick up the income slack while trying to implement the change. Most employers don't like mid-life career-changers, so changers have to rely on the mercy of an employer that doesn't mind someone older (who is often perceived as less sharp, more expensieve, and--let's face it--less "charming" than a youngster) The easiest career change is a lateral move after college or grad school--simply go back to one's expertise as a certified expert.
This was a far cry from all the happy-happy-joy-joy life-changing stories I'd been reading in women's magazines for years. All those well-meaning books (Women's Day, Family Circle, Redbook, etc) and Lifetime/Oh! Network specials love to highlight women who've struggled thru college--usually single mothers--who have had nothing and become executives or company owners, or some other Highly Successful Career. The message is always, "Yes! You can do it, too! Go! Take that chance because you, too, can have the Career of your Dreams!"
I don't know...maybe part of it was that, when I graduated college, I was at a point in my life where I couldn't dream. I couldn't see a future for myself because the one person I ever dared to love walked out of my life--and I could not, for the life of me, remember what I always wanted for myself. My life dreams before I'd married had been packed up, tucked away, so that I could build a constructive partnership and maintain my marriage.
I always thought marriage required sacrificing singlehood's selfish dreams--all that stuff we'd do as a substitute for Love, and the people we'd be if we were Without that Soul-mate could be packed up and put away once I'd find Love. I expected those Dreams could be substituted for shiny new Dreams that encompassed the dreams of the other person, putting everthing under the umbrella of Life Together.
It was odd how I had amnesia during my college years--because I'd forgot all those singlehood dreams. I could only do the One-Day-at-a-Time thing, not worry/think about the future.
There was also a hope that I'd just die one day. That life would be over. Don't know how that was supposed to happen, but I figured by "natural causes." I'd been wrestling with physical illness for so long that the idea of something mercifully exploding inside me one day really wasn't all that far-fetched.
Long-term physical illness can do that to anyone, I think. When the Will is strong but the Body so weak, there's the sense that, perhaps, one day, the Body will simply supercede the Will and everthing will be over. Thing is, there are a plethora of debilitating illnesses that feel fatal but really aren't--not in the way that cancer is fatal. Debilitating, non-fatal illness justs shoves Dreams into a narrow tunnel--and all I could do was hope for the best while making it thru the day.
It took about 3 years after graduation in '01 to re-build my health. I knew I was out of it when, oddly, I got my sex drive back. Sex drive is always a sign of good health!
It then took me another 2 years to finally reach back and touch those dreams I'd had when I was single, and to realize that there were ways I could climb that mountain--write and get myself published and get some respect for it.
Funny thing is, my vision's been kind of narrow--because I wanted to make something of my writing, and I'd had years of tunnel vision, I couldn't put together that I might need to do more than write. And I never anticipated that the isolation of writing would, on occasion, drive me, an extrovert, just a bit bonkers. I miss meeting and talking with all kinds of different people.
I still battle fatigue on some level--don't know if, now, it's a case of being over 40 rather than over 20, or if there's still an illness lurking, waiting to overtake me again, but I certainly don't have the top energy I had when I was younger.
So, I don't know Where, or how Far, I can get to from Here. When I look back at the past year, of what I've done in that time, I realize I'm on a Path again. I'm writing and getting paid for it. I pitch articles and people say "sure! I'd like that story!" and "go for it!" But I look down and up the Road of Life and remember the Dreams I had when I was in my 20's of being a writer and think "Shit! I need to hustle if I want to be Somewhere other than just Here." Here's okay--but Here isn't providing for retirement nor medical insurance. I worry that there's just not enough Time left, or that my Energy is going to collapse one day when I least expect it.
Not just that--there are the cold, hard realities of career-changing and I realize that some doors may be closed to me because of my age. It's ugly, but the fact remains that while we may feel our potential is unlimited, it can quite easily become limited by others. We can battle those naysayers--yet constant battling not only wears us down, but also, for me, makes it so that I have a bit of trouble trusting when I don't have to battle.
What, though, do I do if I can't get There--if I have really miscalculated my life and really screwed things up for my Old Age?
Can't worry about that now. Have writing I have to do. Pitches to make. Contracts to follow-up. People to call. Things to do. And no precious Energy to waste.
posted by Tish Grier at 10:26 AM
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