In Search of....Velveeta
So, I have two parties to go to this weekend. I love when people say to "bring something" to a party. I'm not real good at this because we never brought anything to parties--my family never went to parites.
Be that as it may, I decided to do icky awful Velveeta and salsa mock queso dip for one of the parties. We all like food, and we all seem to like this terrible stuff-- even if it's pasturized processed cheese food product mixed with spicy soupy tomato stuff.
Yet for some strange reason, I can never find the Velveeta when I'm looking for it.
Yeah, I know y'all have it somewhere in the store. Like the appendix, Velveeta is a vestigial appendage of the nuclear body politic. It isn't quite cheese, but then again, it is. Like brie, it's semi-solid. Yet, unlike brie, it has no rind, and once the wrapper is removed, kind of sits there. Velveeta is kind of firm, but not quite hard. It is neither brie, nor the cheddar that its color resembles. But its color is a lie. Velveeta derives its color not the way cheddar does, from an ageing process, but the way American cheese does--from artificial color.
So when the wrapper reads Pasturized Processed Cheese Food Product, it's not kidding. That's really the only true way to describe it.
Who says there's no truth in advertising??
What I want to know, though, is why, when we all know that all stores (with the exception of "whole foods" kinds of places) carry it, it's the hardest thing to find? Perhaps it's embarassment--that only people who remember air raids and the Cold War will be the ones to want to eat it. In this new era of organic everything, we can't really admit to liking something that is really the best immitation of a real food that Science could invent. Or is it just that there's absolutely no category to put it into. It doesn't need to be put in the dairy case with the other cheese food products (those lovely yellow slices of goo passing for "american singles") because it won't spoil. It could be put with another fake, non-refrigirated cheese--Kraft Parmesian in the green can (who ever thought of mixing whey solids and cellulose to create a kind of immitation italian cheese??) Unfortunately, it's rarely in that place.
So, after walking around and around for quite some time, I decided to forget about the Velveeta in this particular store. If they're so embarassed of the Velveeta as to hide it in an obscure spot that defies food categorization logic, then I really don't want it. I don't want to have to bypass Vinnie the meat cutter to get to the secret stash in the old fallout shelter, if that's its present residence. It's okay....I'll just go to the store that discreetly sticks it between the Boursin and the Helluva Gold.
Pay no attention to that woman with the hunk of Velveeta...she just has a party to attend.
Be that as it may, I decided to do icky awful Velveeta and salsa mock queso dip for one of the parties. We all like food, and we all seem to like this terrible stuff-- even if it's pasturized processed cheese food product mixed with spicy soupy tomato stuff.
Yet for some strange reason, I can never find the Velveeta when I'm looking for it.
Yeah, I know y'all have it somewhere in the store. Like the appendix, Velveeta is a vestigial appendage of the nuclear body politic. It isn't quite cheese, but then again, it is. Like brie, it's semi-solid. Yet, unlike brie, it has no rind, and once the wrapper is removed, kind of sits there. Velveeta is kind of firm, but not quite hard. It is neither brie, nor the cheddar that its color resembles. But its color is a lie. Velveeta derives its color not the way cheddar does, from an ageing process, but the way American cheese does--from artificial color.
So when the wrapper reads Pasturized Processed Cheese Food Product, it's not kidding. That's really the only true way to describe it.
Who says there's no truth in advertising??
What I want to know, though, is why, when we all know that all stores (with the exception of "whole foods" kinds of places) carry it, it's the hardest thing to find? Perhaps it's embarassment--that only people who remember air raids and the Cold War will be the ones to want to eat it. In this new era of organic everything, we can't really admit to liking something that is really the best immitation of a real food that Science could invent. Or is it just that there's absolutely no category to put it into. It doesn't need to be put in the dairy case with the other cheese food products (those lovely yellow slices of goo passing for "american singles") because it won't spoil. It could be put with another fake, non-refrigirated cheese--Kraft Parmesian in the green can (who ever thought of mixing whey solids and cellulose to create a kind of immitation italian cheese??) Unfortunately, it's rarely in that place.
So, after walking around and around for quite some time, I decided to forget about the Velveeta in this particular store. If they're so embarassed of the Velveeta as to hide it in an obscure spot that defies food categorization logic, then I really don't want it. I don't want to have to bypass Vinnie the meat cutter to get to the secret stash in the old fallout shelter, if that's its present residence. It's okay....I'll just go to the store that discreetly sticks it between the Boursin and the Helluva Gold.
Pay no attention to that woman with the hunk of Velveeta...she just has a party to attend.
posted by Tish Grier at 5:12 PM
5 Comments:
hahahha, that and Cheez Whiz. Cheese in a can??? I LOVE that stuff! And yet, that too is difficult to find.. it's cheese - yet it isn't in the refrigterator aisle because it doesn't have to be refrigerated until it's opened!!! What does that tell you about the stuff?? And yet, I'm totally drawn to the synthetic Velveeta and Cheeze Whiz... must go back to my days of a kid eating Kraft Macaroni! Who am I kidding - I still eat it now!! ;)
I always find it difficult to advise people in matters of Velveeta. I feel it's such a personal choice, and on top of that, so controversial nowadays...
I mean, as a child, one could eat Velveeta as innocently as, well - spam. I suppose you could even have spread it on spam, though I never did go that far.
"Cheese Food Product". It's what they feed to other cheeses to make them fat.
I eat it rarely as an adult but I do love still macaroni and cheese made with velveeta. I always feel godawful physically after I eat it though.
Heh--I still love velveeta, too. It's one of those things I never buy, but every time I see one of those stacks of it at the end of an aisle, I pause to marvel over how it needs no refrigeration...
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