Over
I'm really exhausted.
The five days of cat-wrangling at the film festival are over.
The Symposium is over.
I'm finally home.
It's all a good kind of tired. The kind of tired you get when you've accomplished something.
The kind of tired you get when your conscience is free of something.
Saturday night at the film festival I watched the movie Going Under about a dom/sub relationship where the individuals try to segue into a real-time relationship. I talked with the director, Eric Werthman who's really a wonderful guy. I'm kind of sorry I didn't get more time to talk with him, but that's what happens when you're co-ordinating volunteers.
I did, however, get the chance to tell him that the film hit a bunch of the right emotional notes on the subject. And that made him happy.
It also got me thinking about things with Lucky Bastard. It's been almost freeing to admit how much I care for him. I thought it would be embarassing, but I think that hiding my feelings and pretending to be strong and uninvolved, was just as bad.
By being so pragmatic about the situation, I neglected to truly feel anything. Now that I feel something, things are different.
Strangely, I don't have any desire to hold on to him. As a matter of fact, I have the opposite. I love him, but cannot allow myself to be objectified to the degree that kept our thing going for so long. And I'm not about to get hysterical and go running after him. To try to screw up his life to bring together two "soul mates" would, actually, screw up my life even more than his. It seems so much easier to say "hey, I love you, but this just isn't right. good-bye." There is some odd self-preservation mechanism that makes me not do the things that the average hysterical woman who discovers she's in love with a married man would do.
Perhaps that's what it is to be Dominant--to be in control of one's life and to realize when the customary and expected reaction to a situation would be absolutely stupid.
And I don't hate myself for it either. It's nice to know I can feel love...that I can be moved by a beautiful man. That I'm not dead nor poisioned by my disappointing and abusive marriages. I don't feel like committing an act of self-immolation--in the literal or figurative sense--over this.
I'm not necessarily going to sing a chorus of Erasure's Oh, L'Amour either, even though I certainly have my moments when it's appropriate.
Actually, it is what it is. Neither great nor awful. A learning experience. Something that's brought me back to a certain part of my own humanity.
I'd rather feel the loss of someone who saw me only as a sexual fantasy rather than continue to lie to myself that I didn't have any feelings.
And life seems to be moving forward. Glacially. But, it is moving forward, not back.
We'll see...
The five days of cat-wrangling at the film festival are over.
The Symposium is over.
I'm finally home.
It's all a good kind of tired. The kind of tired you get when you've accomplished something.
The kind of tired you get when your conscience is free of something.
Saturday night at the film festival I watched the movie Going Under about a dom/sub relationship where the individuals try to segue into a real-time relationship. I talked with the director, Eric Werthman who's really a wonderful guy. I'm kind of sorry I didn't get more time to talk with him, but that's what happens when you're co-ordinating volunteers.
I did, however, get the chance to tell him that the film hit a bunch of the right emotional notes on the subject. And that made him happy.
It also got me thinking about things with Lucky Bastard. It's been almost freeing to admit how much I care for him. I thought it would be embarassing, but I think that hiding my feelings and pretending to be strong and uninvolved, was just as bad.
By being so pragmatic about the situation, I neglected to truly feel anything. Now that I feel something, things are different.
Strangely, I don't have any desire to hold on to him. As a matter of fact, I have the opposite. I love him, but cannot allow myself to be objectified to the degree that kept our thing going for so long. And I'm not about to get hysterical and go running after him. To try to screw up his life to bring together two "soul mates" would, actually, screw up my life even more than his. It seems so much easier to say "hey, I love you, but this just isn't right. good-bye." There is some odd self-preservation mechanism that makes me not do the things that the average hysterical woman who discovers she's in love with a married man would do.
Perhaps that's what it is to be Dominant--to be in control of one's life and to realize when the customary and expected reaction to a situation would be absolutely stupid.
And I don't hate myself for it either. It's nice to know I can feel love...that I can be moved by a beautiful man. That I'm not dead nor poisioned by my disappointing and abusive marriages. I don't feel like committing an act of self-immolation--in the literal or figurative sense--over this.
I'm not necessarily going to sing a chorus of Erasure's Oh, L'Amour either, even though I certainly have my moments when it's appropriate.
Actually, it is what it is. Neither great nor awful. A learning experience. Something that's brought me back to a certain part of my own humanity.
I'd rather feel the loss of someone who saw me only as a sexual fantasy rather than continue to lie to myself that I didn't have any feelings.
And life seems to be moving forward. Glacially. But, it is moving forward, not back.
We'll see...
posted by Tish Grier at 9:47 PM
2 Comments:
Dont you foind it difficult, if not impossible to be in a "no strings attached" situation, without suddenly realizing you WANT the strings that would attach? It's almost like because you know you're not supposed to want someone - you want them that much more? Which makes it that much more tragic, that much more passionate - makes them that much more your "soulmate"? (I"m not questioning your relationship specifically, just the married guy aspect in general..) I often wonder if they'd be that appealing, if unattached.?
There are things about Lucky Bastard that, even not married, would have had me completely....that he's tall, blond, in good shape, great stamina, beautiful smile, very outgoing (this was, to me, a huge plus--usually introverts attach themselves to me and I end up being the personality of the relationship. it's taxing, tiring and after awhile, completely boring), smart about things I'm not, very adventurous (never found that in single guys)... He is the type of guy I would have had a crush on in junior high and high school--and he did indeed resemble a guy I had a crush on *for years* in jr. high. There were things about our personalities that complimented one another and we never competed professionally...he actually knew more than me about "secret handshake" kinds of stuff and I really appreciated when he could give me a clue about those things.
So, it really wasn't the forbidden fruit aspect of him inasmuch as it was that he has traits I always wanted in a partner. Perhaps if I'd had my act together a bit more around the time I met Steady Eddie, I would have attracted someone like L.B. who was single.
That, however, is something I can't answer even now--as I am still so very incomplete and don't think I could attract the single version of L.B. because I am flying well below their social radar. I am hoping, though, that this circumstance will change. the change, though is slow.
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