Not My Job, Man....
I called Lucky Bastard this morning, just to say a quick Happy Halloween--see if he ended up at any parties this weekend...
He called me back a bit later, and we got to chatting about this and that...how he saw me speed past him on the highway yesterday while I was enroute to a meeting....he was in the car with the wife and a bunch of kids...a regular domestic scene...and then he had to bring up how "sensually deprived" he feels, how he wants scenarios with other people....
oh, I've heard this damned song-and-dance so many times in the past year and a half that I'm thoroughly sick of it.
So, I told him that I don't have those kinds of contacts any more, that I'm not interested in cultivating those kinds of contacts, that maybe I've just got too serious and conservative for him and that I'm not about to have strange men I don't know in my apartment (let alone near my body)....that when I met him there was something different about him and that's why I allowed him to come over, knowing nothing about him...
I reminded him, too, that in alternative and adveturous sexual circles, people know one another, and are friends. Scenarios don't occur on the hit-and-run at his convenience.
And that if he really wants only staged scenarios for his benefit, then I'm sure there are women willing to perform those sorts of afternoon circuses for a fine price.
But I'm not one of them. In my life, sex isn't a performance for anybody's benefit.
And I told him that my life with Steady Eddie wasn't perfect. That I care about him, but that he's not as social as I am, nor as sensual, and that I would love to have a parther who could indeed keep up with me....that could go to parties and network with me, but at this time in my life, superficially, I look like a total unemployed loser, and that a successful, together man is going to see me as a burden and won't want me at all.
I have to get my act together, start making some kind of money, and have some kind of status before I'm suitable for anyone. Right now, I'm a wreck--with lots of networking going on but no real job to speak of. I'm at the beginning of so many things, and nowhere concrete with any of them.
That doesn't go over real well with most men. If they know you first and then you have some trouble, they are a bit more compassionate. But if you're starting out just this side of welfare, a businessman really isn't going to be all that interested. Personality can only get you so far.
Such is life.
I realized though that Luck Bastard gets into these little fits of pique about his sensual needs not being met whenever he gets too close to me.
His feelings are not my problem.
So, we hung up...I called again and left him a message. Told him exactly what I thought...that he's free to find someone who will accommodate him; that it's not me and I'm not about to change or compromise my self-respect for him; and that getting his sensual needs met with other people isn't going to change the fact that his marriage probably isn't all that great.
There. I said it.
His marriage sucks. If it didn't, he wouldn't be getting his knickers in a bunch every time he has a small amount of affectionate feelings for me.
And, that's not my problem, man. Nor is it my job to compromise my self-respect so he can prop up his sham of a marriage.
There. I said it again.
So, I'll say it one more time: his marriage is affectionless and it sucks and it's up to him to deal with it!
And, frankly, I don't care if he comes back or not. Yes, I know I've taken him back before--y'all don't have to remind me. However, things are a bit different nowadays. I've got so much going on that I don't have the time for drama. I have to keep my wits about me, try to stay on top of things. If I'm not having the type and kind of regular sex I like, then, well, I'll just have to deal with it. I did when I was in college--I didn't particularly like it, but I wrote a thesis, so I will survive without it again if need be. Maybe right now it's just a distraction anyway. So, I go celibate for a bit and get stuff done. I'm not happy about that, but whatever.
As I said, I'll survive. I might get a bit nutty. But I'll survive.
I'm just tired of his nonsense and his denial. I won't be part of it any more. He knows it's broken. If he wants to stay, then he has to deal with it. If it's too uncomfortable, and too broken, then he knows what he has to do to fix that too.
not my job to fix it, man. I've got my own life to fix.
If he's got to stay where he is, then that's his business. It's what he wants, and he's just going to have to let those callouses form on his hands.
Not my problem. The only thing that is my problem is what I'm doing with regard to work and trying to build a business and trying to get myself out of this g-damned ghetto.
I've had enough. of everything.
He called me back a bit later, and we got to chatting about this and that...how he saw me speed past him on the highway yesterday while I was enroute to a meeting....he was in the car with the wife and a bunch of kids...a regular domestic scene...and then he had to bring up how "sensually deprived" he feels, how he wants scenarios with other people....
oh, I've heard this damned song-and-dance so many times in the past year and a half that I'm thoroughly sick of it.
So, I told him that I don't have those kinds of contacts any more, that I'm not interested in cultivating those kinds of contacts, that maybe I've just got too serious and conservative for him and that I'm not about to have strange men I don't know in my apartment (let alone near my body)....that when I met him there was something different about him and that's why I allowed him to come over, knowing nothing about him...
I reminded him, too, that in alternative and adveturous sexual circles, people know one another, and are friends. Scenarios don't occur on the hit-and-run at his convenience.
And that if he really wants only staged scenarios for his benefit, then I'm sure there are women willing to perform those sorts of afternoon circuses for a fine price.
But I'm not one of them. In my life, sex isn't a performance for anybody's benefit.
And I told him that my life with Steady Eddie wasn't perfect. That I care about him, but that he's not as social as I am, nor as sensual, and that I would love to have a parther who could indeed keep up with me....that could go to parties and network with me, but at this time in my life, superficially, I look like a total unemployed loser, and that a successful, together man is going to see me as a burden and won't want me at all.
I have to get my act together, start making some kind of money, and have some kind of status before I'm suitable for anyone. Right now, I'm a wreck--with lots of networking going on but no real job to speak of. I'm at the beginning of so many things, and nowhere concrete with any of them.
That doesn't go over real well with most men. If they know you first and then you have some trouble, they are a bit more compassionate. But if you're starting out just this side of welfare, a businessman really isn't going to be all that interested. Personality can only get you so far.
Such is life.
I realized though that Luck Bastard gets into these little fits of pique about his sensual needs not being met whenever he gets too close to me.
His feelings are not my problem.
So, we hung up...I called again and left him a message. Told him exactly what I thought...that he's free to find someone who will accommodate him; that it's not me and I'm not about to change or compromise my self-respect for him; and that getting his sensual needs met with other people isn't going to change the fact that his marriage probably isn't all that great.
There. I said it.
His marriage sucks. If it didn't, he wouldn't be getting his knickers in a bunch every time he has a small amount of affectionate feelings for me.
And, that's not my problem, man. Nor is it my job to compromise my self-respect so he can prop up his sham of a marriage.
There. I said it again.
So, I'll say it one more time: his marriage is affectionless and it sucks and it's up to him to deal with it!
And, frankly, I don't care if he comes back or not. Yes, I know I've taken him back before--y'all don't have to remind me. However, things are a bit different nowadays. I've got so much going on that I don't have the time for drama. I have to keep my wits about me, try to stay on top of things. If I'm not having the type and kind of regular sex I like, then, well, I'll just have to deal with it. I did when I was in college--I didn't particularly like it, but I wrote a thesis, so I will survive without it again if need be. Maybe right now it's just a distraction anyway. So, I go celibate for a bit and get stuff done. I'm not happy about that, but whatever.
As I said, I'll survive. I might get a bit nutty. But I'll survive.
I'm just tired of his nonsense and his denial. I won't be part of it any more. He knows it's broken. If he wants to stay, then he has to deal with it. If it's too uncomfortable, and too broken, then he knows what he has to do to fix that too.
not my job to fix it, man. I've got my own life to fix.
If he's got to stay where he is, then that's his business. It's what he wants, and he's just going to have to let those callouses form on his hands.
Not my problem. The only thing that is my problem is what I'm doing with regard to work and trying to build a business and trying to get myself out of this g-damned ghetto.
I've had enough. of everything.
posted by Tish Grier at 9:56 PM
10 Comments:
*hug* Good for you! Sometimes people decide to live in their little denial-rife fantasy worlds (I do it too) and we just need someone to give us the cosmic 2x4 to the head and tell us how it is. Hopefully he can see that it's the truth and what needed to be said and doesn't make things harder for you.
Best wishes with everything :)
hey Mim...
you know, it felt really good to call it as I see it. What I did, I feel, was far better than something a lovestruck, malicious woman might do in a fit of pique.
It hurts a little. I knew when I met him that we'd make a great "power couple," and, perhaps, in former lives we were. But that maybe, this time around, it wasn't meant to be.
I don't think he'll do anything to hurt me. He may beg and plead to come back again, but, if I don't let my hormones get to me, I may be able to just say no.
I'm going to try to keep myself focused on other things--like a real job. Freelancing hasn't worked quite the way I wanted it to, and I need the structure of a job right now. So, keeping him at arms length or not there at all, could be a good thing.
There's something to be said for self-imposed celibacy. It can be a powerful way to focus on creative projects.
Stick to your guns on this one. It sounds as though you know what you want. There's nothing sexier than a woman (or person, for that matter) who knows what she wants, and does what she needs to do (without harming anyone, of course) to reach her goals.
There are times during break-ups that my career and creative goals have saved me from despair, and empowered me beyond measure. They remind me of who I am at the core.
S...
part of my wanting to stick to my guns on this is, in part, admitting to my own feelings. I care for this man far more than I should. I imagine that we would be a great couple. But I'm not about to do anything to ruin his life. He will have to make his own decision and I am more than sure it wouldn't be in my favor.
Even if it was, I'm not sure I'd want the "homewrecker" title.
I'm finding, too, that even though the "job" situation isn't that great in this part of the world, I've also haven't put much effort into it because I've wanted to be able to have time with him. I don't want to do that any more. My neighborhood isn't getting better--in fact, it's getting worse--and I want to be out of here. I'm not thrilled about working full time (I worry about my chronic fatigue) but I have to start doing *something* to make a steady income. I find that spending time with him often derails me--screws up my focus. I can't afford that any more.
I have big things to do in this world and I can't allow my feelings to hold me down.
My focus gets derailed by men too. Why is that? I've never figured it out. I know women who aren't like that. Sexual tension is great for creativity though, so much raw energy. Sublimate! Use it to build & promote your career. :)
Good for you sister! :)
H & R...
Thanks!
I think I get derailed when I'm unconscious of what's going on...then I get a whiff of just the right kind of testosterone and BAM! I'm so gone-stupid that I forget *everything* I was supposed to be doing!
I hate it. At this point in my life I would think I'd be over it...but a *certain* *kind* of guy can get me every single time.
Lucky Bastard tends to fit that distinction.
And then there's the soulmate thing...after all, he's only the second guy to make me cry afterward. It was like being with someone for the first time. How many times does that happen? not many. But even if there is that very deep connection, nothing can really come of it until he makes a change. I'm not Katherine Hepburn, ya know.
Tish:
I can relate to feeling a deep, soulmate connection with someone: it's rare, and beautiful, and precious.
Sometimes I wonder, though, if what I perceive as intimacy is, in fact, not intimacy. Rather, it's intensity. Perhaps I have the two confused.
In the end, I have to ask myself:
"Do they keep secrets? Do they act in ways to hurt me and/or cause me to feel small?"
or
"Are they transparent? Do they act in ways to support me? Do they make me feel like a million bucks?"
If they make me feel small and unimportant in word and deed, then I throw that "deep connection" out the window and into the rubbish bin 10 floors down.
I know it's not that simple. I know that we often hurt the ones we love the most.
And, I know there are no easy answers, cause like N. Cage says to Cher in "Moonstruck": "Love will ruin you!!!" (or something to that effect.) Good love IS like a terrible hurricane sometimes.
I just wish it could be
simple.
And clean.
And sweet.
Rather than complicated.
And messy.
And often bitter.
S...
good distinction between intensity and intimacy--and a good point.
My feelings about the situation are that we *could* have had intimacy--but it never got there really. There was never any time, even though there were moments when there was a closeness and he has qualities that I would like in a long-term mate.
I'm frustrated about things but not broken up about them. I'm not crying because I've been rather pragmatic. As I said, there were things about him that I would want in A Mate--not just him.
These are simple things like being a bit further up on the social ladder and being social enough to adapt to any situation he might be in.
But, as I've also said, finding that kind of guy at this point in my life--well the chances are pretty much zero to nil.
and, yes...in adulthood, love is never that lovely, clean, simple thing. It is often messy, fraught with all sorts of troubles, and never uncomplicated.
Then again, I've had such a dysfunctional life that even when I was young it was never easy.
Hey Tish,
I'm back on the default celibacy thing again myself. Hopefully one of these days I'll catch you online and fill you in on the sordid tale.
But some part of me likes it. I'm like you, when I don't have sex for a while my focus is so different and I just get so much *stuff* done.
I have more thoughts, but not quite able to articulate them yet.
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