things change
It's weird how quickly feelings can change. A few poorly-timed words, or a phrase said in haste....
"Well, you're just going to have to find someone else for awhile. I'm just too busy right now..."
That's *not* the thing a lover wants to hear. It's not like he's interchageable--not like he can be replaced by *any* pretty face...
"So, what you're saying is that you don't want to see me any more."
"No. I don't mean that...
There was no sense exploring it any further, really. I knew what he meant. IMO, there *can* be a such a thing as having *too* many lovers....I'm selective....I can wait for someone, when he does not have the time, but I won't be told by someone to find another to fill in.
That's offensive--and shows he does not understand me, my feelings, nor the situation.
Then, someone has to go in order to make room for someone else--who might understand when he's been given a gift...
As if I've never been busy and he's not upset my applecart for the day with his demands.
Affairs are, quite frankly, two way streets.
We had a good run, really. Two years, lots of feelings, and things I'd never done with anyone else--and probably *won't* do with anyone else. We were pretty open with one another, and that doesn't happen too often in life. I'd be very surprised if lightning struck twice.
The next one will be different--but he, too, may teach me things I didn't know about myself. Only different things.
I don't want to let go, but the fact remains that I will not have someone who would suggest something like "find someone else" in my life. That means he never got *it* in the first place--never got that something like *this* didn't just grow on some tree for his benefit.
The first time he backed away, I cried for 3 days. This time, I'm not crying at all.
And I realize that when someone gets things easily all the time, there's no appreciation for gifts. There's no real understanding what *is* a gift. It's all just expected.
Lovers are lovers--sometimes things change and they, or I, must move on. Perhaps it's time to make room in my life for a lover who will appreciate what I give him, who doesn't think it's expected, and who won't make such an offensive suggestion. Someone who's not a hypocrite, who understands it, and gets it.
In the meantime, I'll be fine waiting it out. I always am.
"Well, you're just going to have to find someone else for awhile. I'm just too busy right now..."
That's *not* the thing a lover wants to hear. It's not like he's interchageable--not like he can be replaced by *any* pretty face...
"So, what you're saying is that you don't want to see me any more."
"No. I don't mean that...
There was no sense exploring it any further, really. I knew what he meant. IMO, there *can* be a such a thing as having *too* many lovers....I'm selective....I can wait for someone, when he does not have the time, but I won't be told by someone to find another to fill in.
That's offensive--and shows he does not understand me, my feelings, nor the situation.
Then, someone has to go in order to make room for someone else--who might understand when he's been given a gift...
As if I've never been busy and he's not upset my applecart for the day with his demands.
Affairs are, quite frankly, two way streets.
We had a good run, really. Two years, lots of feelings, and things I'd never done with anyone else--and probably *won't* do with anyone else. We were pretty open with one another, and that doesn't happen too often in life. I'd be very surprised if lightning struck twice.
The next one will be different--but he, too, may teach me things I didn't know about myself. Only different things.
I don't want to let go, but the fact remains that I will not have someone who would suggest something like "find someone else" in my life. That means he never got *it* in the first place--never got that something like *this* didn't just grow on some tree for his benefit.
The first time he backed away, I cried for 3 days. This time, I'm not crying at all.
And I realize that when someone gets things easily all the time, there's no appreciation for gifts. There's no real understanding what *is* a gift. It's all just expected.
Lovers are lovers--sometimes things change and they, or I, must move on. Perhaps it's time to make room in my life for a lover who will appreciate what I give him, who doesn't think it's expected, and who won't make such an offensive suggestion. Someone who's not a hypocrite, who understands it, and gets it.
In the meantime, I'll be fine waiting it out. I always am.
posted by Tish Grier at 11:25 PM
6 Comments:
Shalom Tish,
This may be out of context, if it is, just ignore me.
There are times in my life when I have to go on retreat from the people I love. I don't phrase it the way that you heard your message, but guys aren't the most articulate bunch.
If I've totally missed the point, well, just chalk it up to male cluelessness.
B'shalom,
Jeff
Hi Jeff...
Since I was in my late 20's and learned how to have lovers, I've learned that the phrase "I'm too busy right now " can often be taken at face value...
Sometimes it means "I'm too busy--ever--for you," which is, indeed, the Grand Kiss-Off.
With busy, complicated men, it's hard to tell in which sense "I'm too busy" is meant at any particular time. It takes time an patience to learn each man's code.
But "find someone else," at least my experience of the phrase, usually isn't much of a euphemism. It's blunt, crass, and has the implications of "leave me alone--completely."
okay, fine...no problem. I know when I'm too much of a bother and can simply disappear, never to be seen again. I have an amazing ability to vanish just as quickly and easily as I have met someone.
Like I'm made of smoke.
If anything, it means that there's no appreciation for what I've given him, and that I'm not thought of in the way I feel I should be. So, another good reason to vanish.
Makes me think that, often, I'm merely a fantasy made flesh for a short period of time. In some ways it's a bit like being a geisha--but it's also why I try to be careful before picking a lover. If, and when, we part, I want good memories...
T.
Tish -
Good luck on good future memories. That's the thing, isn't it - we're so often left with "why the hell did I do that memories, than the bittersweet but softer ones we wish we had.
thanks Kira...you know what I'm talking about.
bad memories of an ex-lover just make ourselves feel like idiots. I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible.
Loved the post, Tish!
I'm at the end of a 2 year affair. It's amazing how it limps its way to a little death. I look at him and wonder how did I ever want to spend days with him in bed. Why did I believe he could really fucking get me like no one else could.
He says he's busy with work. With family. Months go between phonecalls and meetings are shorter and more frantic. I hardly remember the time when we spole everyday. But it just won't die. It lingers on and on with sporadic contact. I don't have the heart to say leave me alone. I want to feel nothing like he does. I want to understand the concept of the fuckbuddy without the buddy part.
All I can say to him is I wanted more and more of you unti I wanted nothing at all.
thanks H!
One of the few things that's ever talked about is how women, too, want oblivion--and will put up with a lot from the person who can get us there.
As much as men need to have that private dream/nightmare we need it too. that's why we put up with it.
the last line of your comment says it all...and I think that's how men also feel at times. We want everthing and nothing all at the same time. Why? who knows. human nature, I guess.
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