Our Sexualities, Our Selves
Men often accuse women of exposing too much of their personal lives. "It's inappropriate to tell us your sexual proclivities," they say, often in a less polite way.
There seemed to be alot of talk about our sexualities at Blogher....from Amy Gahran's opening up about her poly lifestyle and then revealing it on her business blog, to Profgrrrrl disagreeing about the need to reveal such a thing on a business blog, and to the many women I met who talked with me about being Dommes or having worked as Pro-Dommes...and I got to thinking about why women often feel the need to talk about our sexualities.
I took a quick re-read thru Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation and coupled with my own intuition figured something out: when in groups, men will discuss topics that don't have a thing to do with their private lives. Men will talk about politics, or sports, or the enconomy, or cars--things that are perceived to be impersonal. Women, on the other hand, tend to gear their conversations towards discussions of husbands, kids, marriage, our bodies, our periods, our pregnancies, our lack of pregnancies, our dating status, our divorces. Even in groups of women meant to sit down and specifically discuss business, the conversation will eventually veer into the realm of the personal--and the personal always manages to touch the sexual.
I have sat on many occasions with groups of women and felt inside, with some sort of sixth sense, that I was the odd-woman out--I could tell just from hearing a few short comments from other women that the way I live my life, if I opened up about it, would be circumspect. I've had to play the perfectly consevative game of "yes I'm like all y'all ladies and just haven't found the right guy yet." But after awhile I get tired of it. It becomes a personna--a constrictive mask to help me fit in. I can't hold it up after awhile and want to vent so that I can just breathe freely.
If women talked more about objective things--like books and movies and sports and politics--this wouldn't be such an issue. But that's often not the case, and, for me and for others, our sexualities, when in other instances might be non-issue, suddenly become an issue.
I know, though, that revealing my truth, at certain times, might be wildly inappropriate--that a frank revelation might impact me not just personally but, more importantly, professionally. I'm very glad that Amy Gahran feels strong enough to accept the possible economic and professional fallout from her revelation--although I see and understand Profgrrrrl's point in raising some caution about revelation. Perhaps Profgrrrrl was watching the back not only of herself but of others who might be impacted negatively in the professional realm because of a personal sexuality revelation.
Some are comfortable, for the time, dealing with the discomfort because the consequence of a revelation is far too great.
Because discussions about our sexualities often are part of the female mode of communication and are a way of finding common ground and relating, perhaps we should pick and choose what we reveal, as well as when we reveal it and who we reveal it too. I feel priviledged that certain women chose to reveal their sexualities to me, and I respect the need to not reveal who they are. That is a trust I will not violate.
I know, too, I may have revealed much too much of my personal life to some of the women at Blogher, and I hope that they won't necessarily hold it against me, either professionally or personally.
When it comes to the professional realm, unless I'm willing to take the heat for a grand fuck-it-all revelation, may I have to keep a bit of mystery. Men rule the professional realm, and professionalism is, more often than not, equated with the masculine style of objective communication. I've taken the chance on a couple of rare occasions, and I know I might have to deal with the fallout. I'm not sure what the overall consequences will be, but for now, I haven't noticed any damange.
In the future, though, I know I may have to be a bit more judicious than I have been. I'm really not in the position to alienate anyone--I don't have that much social, professional or economic power just yet. There are those who might think that this is self-censoring, but if that is what is necessary at this point in time, then it is a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
As far as my blogging is concerned, well, depending on when a reader has joined the conversation, he/she might know alot, or might not know anything at all. An individual might choose to delve into the archives, or choose to just take what's on the main screen and go from there. I might choose to never reveal my sexuality on Spap-Oop, which is beginning to develop into a snarky little journo-blog--something I never expected it to....and just deal with it when, and if, readers venture over from there to this blog. I know my personal sexual life will never appear on anything I blog for an organization--it just won't be appropriate-- and I'll not post a link to this site on any professional work I do.
But the degree to which I choose to reveal myself, my sexuality, on this blog will always be a daily choice. Certain details may, in all probablity, remain a mystery.
There seemed to be alot of talk about our sexualities at Blogher....from Amy Gahran's opening up about her poly lifestyle and then revealing it on her business blog, to Profgrrrrl disagreeing about the need to reveal such a thing on a business blog, and to the many women I met who talked with me about being Dommes or having worked as Pro-Dommes...and I got to thinking about why women often feel the need to talk about our sexualities.
I took a quick re-read thru Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation and coupled with my own intuition figured something out: when in groups, men will discuss topics that don't have a thing to do with their private lives. Men will talk about politics, or sports, or the enconomy, or cars--things that are perceived to be impersonal. Women, on the other hand, tend to gear their conversations towards discussions of husbands, kids, marriage, our bodies, our periods, our pregnancies, our lack of pregnancies, our dating status, our divorces. Even in groups of women meant to sit down and specifically discuss business, the conversation will eventually veer into the realm of the personal--and the personal always manages to touch the sexual.
I have sat on many occasions with groups of women and felt inside, with some sort of sixth sense, that I was the odd-woman out--I could tell just from hearing a few short comments from other women that the way I live my life, if I opened up about it, would be circumspect. I've had to play the perfectly consevative game of "yes I'm like all y'all ladies and just haven't found the right guy yet." But after awhile I get tired of it. It becomes a personna--a constrictive mask to help me fit in. I can't hold it up after awhile and want to vent so that I can just breathe freely.
If women talked more about objective things--like books and movies and sports and politics--this wouldn't be such an issue. But that's often not the case, and, for me and for others, our sexualities, when in other instances might be non-issue, suddenly become an issue.
I know, though, that revealing my truth, at certain times, might be wildly inappropriate--that a frank revelation might impact me not just personally but, more importantly, professionally. I'm very glad that Amy Gahran feels strong enough to accept the possible economic and professional fallout from her revelation--although I see and understand Profgrrrrl's point in raising some caution about revelation. Perhaps Profgrrrrl was watching the back not only of herself but of others who might be impacted negatively in the professional realm because of a personal sexuality revelation.
Some are comfortable, for the time, dealing with the discomfort because the consequence of a revelation is far too great.
Because discussions about our sexualities often are part of the female mode of communication and are a way of finding common ground and relating, perhaps we should pick and choose what we reveal, as well as when we reveal it and who we reveal it too. I feel priviledged that certain women chose to reveal their sexualities to me, and I respect the need to not reveal who they are. That is a trust I will not violate.
I know, too, I may have revealed much too much of my personal life to some of the women at Blogher, and I hope that they won't necessarily hold it against me, either professionally or personally.
When it comes to the professional realm, unless I'm willing to take the heat for a grand fuck-it-all revelation, may I have to keep a bit of mystery. Men rule the professional realm, and professionalism is, more often than not, equated with the masculine style of objective communication. I've taken the chance on a couple of rare occasions, and I know I might have to deal with the fallout. I'm not sure what the overall consequences will be, but for now, I haven't noticed any damange.
In the future, though, I know I may have to be a bit more judicious than I have been. I'm really not in the position to alienate anyone--I don't have that much social, professional or economic power just yet. There are those who might think that this is self-censoring, but if that is what is necessary at this point in time, then it is a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
As far as my blogging is concerned, well, depending on when a reader has joined the conversation, he/she might know alot, or might not know anything at all. An individual might choose to delve into the archives, or choose to just take what's on the main screen and go from there. I might choose to never reveal my sexuality on Spap-Oop, which is beginning to develop into a snarky little journo-blog--something I never expected it to....and just deal with it when, and if, readers venture over from there to this blog. I know my personal sexual life will never appear on anything I blog for an organization--it just won't be appropriate-- and I'll not post a link to this site on any professional work I do.
But the degree to which I choose to reveal myself, my sexuality, on this blog will always be a daily choice. Certain details may, in all probablity, remain a mystery.
Tags: Bloghercon, Blogging, Blog, Blogs, Weblogs, Sex
posted by Tish Grier at 11:30 PM
3 Comments:
Everybody blogging makes these trade-offs. I have had people ask me if I don't think my being the blogger for the Santa Clara County Democratic Party will be "off-putting" to potential clients for my business.
I have made the decision that I feel strongly enough about it that I don't care if I don't have such a client as a client.
I might not make the same choice about other things in my life.
Very interesting post.Thanks for writing this.
I wanted to share that while I may be the woman whose relationship/sex life is pretty bland and as you would expect -- straight, looking for just one relationship, nothing that would raise an eyebrow of the average joe going on -- I find I want to keep my personal/dating/relationship/sex life outside of my professional environment because it hurts me amongst both men and women. Why men? Well, if they find out I'm single they angle for a date and I'm considered a bitch if I don't flirt back. Single = available, yes? And when I was married, I noticed that married men would hit on me, with whispers of "I'm married too, but we can keep this a secret" And women? Women who are not friends can be rather nasty if they know you're single. They worry that you'll be a boyfriend stealer or act like you must have some great wild dating life and make jealous comments (no, it's been really non-existant in the 2 years since I left my husband, but thanks for making assumptions).
I'm very comfortable discussing such things amongst friends and will do so on my blog as well -- which is amongst friends but not amongst coworkers. But having dealt with peoples' assumptions, rude comments, unwanted attention, etc. in the workplace I've come to the conclusion that it is (at least for me) best to keep such topics away from the water cooler. And as people continue to make unwanted advances and/or comments and stick their nose in my private business, I can at least say that I didn't in any way invite such treatment. (This reaction of mine may come from being involved in a sexual harrassment in the workplace case in my early 20s. I didn't invite the harrassment, and was one among many who was affected, but I was the only one with the guts to report it and the guy tried to make it sound like I was asking for it.)
So ... that is to say that no all women who fit the I-could-be-the-girl-next-door stereotype feel that comfortable in the group conversations women have on dating and whatnot. You're likely not the only odd-woman-out there. I suspect many who sit around the table feel a bit uneasy unless amongst close friends, and only participate to conform and not be noticed.
amy thanks for the note on poly being about relationships rather than about a type of sexuality. I have a close friend who is poly (and I understand why), and it really angers me to hear about some of the guys she's met who are basically into it for the sex, not the relationship part. My sense is that one really can't understand what goes into poly relationships unless one either knows one's own psychological quirks really well, or one has enough life experience to understand the vast range of interactions that the word relationship really means--its main paradigm might be monogamy, but there's more to it than that.
Elisa I'm struggling with what to reveal of myself and am coming to terms with the idea that I will, more than likely, end up in "alternative press" and will work with a primary client base of progressive thinking non-profits. I would love to be able to charm the pants off of hard-core business people, but this area of the world is far more conservative than people think, and one does have to make particular choices when "branding" oneself.
profgrrrl years ago, in the ancient times of the late 1970's, I was sexually harassed by a boss--a 6ft5, 280 lb fomer football player who picked up 105 lb me and sat me on his lap. He had a daughter one year younger than me. I got fired because I didn't reciprocate.
At that time, ya just didn't talk about it. But, between that incident, and some incidents I had nightclubbing during the same time, I learned that sexuality could be a double-edged sword. I could either push someone away with it or I could draw them to me with it.
But that was men. Women, I think, are different.
I know, too, what you're talking about re women speaking a certain way to fit in. Happened one night at a dinner party, where a bunch of women were talking about having kids, and a friend of mine, who really doesn't want them, felt a particular need to fit in and kind of chimed in. Fortunately, for me, this is a great group of women, and when I don't have anything to add in a conversation of this sort, just chalk it up to being a nite when they needed to vent. But I know my friend who had to chime in has her own stuff with wanting to be part of the crowd. It is strange, though, that I mind less being the odd woman out among friends than I do in other situations. I think it's just the people-pleaser in me.
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