State of Flux
Mim and I got to exchanging email yesterday, and in one she mentioned that I sounded like I was drifting....
She's got a point.
I have my moments where I feel like nothing's happening....like I'm floating above things like a balloon. To a degree, I'm in a holding pattern, waiting for a few things to materialize (which will materialize in the next couple of weeks.)
When I have Big Things hanging over my head, I can't seem to get anything else done. I've been thinking of my friend Julie in California, who's pregnant and on bedrest.
In some ways, waiting for all my little leads and projects to hatch is, and isn't, like being pregnant. But there's no medicine I can take to help me with this sort of project-type hatching. So I have to deal...which sometimes isn't easy.
If I'm not sort of drifty, I'm as jumpy as a cat in a roomful of rocking chairs (hate to quote Dr. Phil, but sometimes folksy's the only way to go.)
So, really, it's a state of flux. Things can change from one minute to the next with some of my ventures, and it's kind of scary--rollercoaster scary.
I never liked rollercoasters. Even when you know what's coming, because you've looked the darned thing up and down every way till Sunday, how you will react once you're on it is unpredictable.
It's not that I like dull, though. Sometimes I do. Dull is....well...predictable. I think what I really like is predictable excitement. Like Pee Wee Herman falling off his bike, getting up, and saying "I meant to do that."
Because it's so much easier when, unconsciously, I kinda know what's going to happen. When I'm clueless, I can't stand the suspense.
Heck, I even hate suspense novels. I love them, but I hate them. I only love them because I can skip ahead and read the endings, so I know what's ahead. Then I can enjoy the rest of the reading journey...
So, why can't life be like those books? Why can't I know if Hannibal the Canibal is going to get the girl and get away? Why can't I know that Sam Spade's going to come up aces? Why can't I know if Easy Rawlins saves the kid from the pedophiles??
Why can't I know where, exactly, where I'll be in six months time?
Because there are irons in the fire, ideas waiting to hatch, places to go and people to meet...too many things to do and to see...too much potential, both good and bad...
and all I can do is be here, in the moment, in the now, doing what I can to make the next steps materialize, yet not forcing the birth. Walking blind, but seeing with my mind's eye...right now, in flux, this is the only way to be.
She's got a point.
I have my moments where I feel like nothing's happening....like I'm floating above things like a balloon. To a degree, I'm in a holding pattern, waiting for a few things to materialize (which will materialize in the next couple of weeks.)
When I have Big Things hanging over my head, I can't seem to get anything else done. I've been thinking of my friend Julie in California, who's pregnant and on bedrest.
In some ways, waiting for all my little leads and projects to hatch is, and isn't, like being pregnant. But there's no medicine I can take to help me with this sort of project-type hatching. So I have to deal...which sometimes isn't easy.
If I'm not sort of drifty, I'm as jumpy as a cat in a roomful of rocking chairs (hate to quote Dr. Phil, but sometimes folksy's the only way to go.)
So, really, it's a state of flux. Things can change from one minute to the next with some of my ventures, and it's kind of scary--rollercoaster scary.
I never liked rollercoasters. Even when you know what's coming, because you've looked the darned thing up and down every way till Sunday, how you will react once you're on it is unpredictable.
It's not that I like dull, though. Sometimes I do. Dull is....well...predictable. I think what I really like is predictable excitement. Like Pee Wee Herman falling off his bike, getting up, and saying "I meant to do that."
Because it's so much easier when, unconsciously, I kinda know what's going to happen. When I'm clueless, I can't stand the suspense.
Heck, I even hate suspense novels. I love them, but I hate them. I only love them because I can skip ahead and read the endings, so I know what's ahead. Then I can enjoy the rest of the reading journey...
So, why can't life be like those books? Why can't I know if Hannibal the Canibal is going to get the girl and get away? Why can't I know that Sam Spade's going to come up aces? Why can't I know if Easy Rawlins saves the kid from the pedophiles??
Why can't I know where, exactly, where I'll be in six months time?
Because there are irons in the fire, ideas waiting to hatch, places to go and people to meet...too many things to do and to see...too much potential, both good and bad...
and all I can do is be here, in the moment, in the now, doing what I can to make the next steps materialize, yet not forcing the birth. Walking blind, but seeing with my mind's eye...right now, in flux, this is the only way to be.
posted by Tish Grier at 4:30 PM
1 Comments:
Sorry I've been away for a while. I released a new pattern and things have been CRAZY for me. And just within the last few days about 5 more opportunities to make some money have fallen in my lap! It's crazy! I'm working through your most recent posts from oldest on up...
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