The health benefits of holding hands
So, yesterday morning, I'm going thru my usual morning groggy couch potato thing, and I'm watching a report on the health benefits of holding hands(it was on the Today show)...
it's true! holding hands can lower blood pressure as much as it displays that you belong to whomever is holding your hand...and sometimes holding hands can be more intimate than sex (yes, I definitely believe that--it's not something we do with *everyone*)
Over the weekend, Steady Eddie and I, in our efforts to unravel some of the problems in our relationship, talked a bit about how our parents expressed affection. I'm of the mind that what we see as children colors how we get along with our own mates--how we treat him/her, the level of affection, etc.
He remembered some advice a friend gave him years ago: when you're dating a girl, observe the way her parents treat each other. That's how your relationship will probably go.
I'd heard something like that before, but only in reference to a girl's looks--as in you can tell what your wife will look like when she's older by what her mom looks like. The same can be true of men--look at the dad, and there you have what your husband will look like...
The second is superficial...but the first, about how the parents treat one another, I think, is more telling, and more important.
So, we talked about what we saw. Of course, I had the nightmare story of my dad emotionally torturing my mother most of the time when I was a kid, and how she reversed that in old age. It's true....he was a real bastard.
Not wanting to identify too much with my mom, I took on my dad's pattern. That is, until I found that it hurt me too much when I hurt the guys I loved. I then switched the pattern, became more loving and caring. And ended up with a similar situation as my mom. Only I didn't stick around and take it for years on end...
Steady Eddie's parents never fought in front of the kids (like lots of parents of our generation) but while not cruel to each other, they weren't all that affectionate either. Their generation was old fashioned and kind of stoic, with displays of affection thought of as "improper." He knew they cared about each other, but he never learned quite how to express caring and affection to someone else.
When I came along in his life, it wasn't long before I got cuddly with him. That's a test for men in my life--can he be close without being sexual? To me, outward expressions of affection are simply an extension of my extroverted nature (which is quite physical and demonstrative in general.) Over time, I've learned that he was surprised that I liked him sitting with me on the couch, and that I liked to hold his hand when we walk down the street or are in a restaurant, and that I like to
cuddle.
He learned to deal with the discomfort that came with having something he'd rarely experience--then he got used to it. Now, our time together wouldn't be the same without those small expressions of affection.
So, when I told him about the report on holding hands, he said "oh, so I guess you're good for my blood pressure" (he's had hypertension for years.)
"Well, if I can keep your head from exploding (as in a stroke), I keep holding hands with you..."
"that's good...now I know you keep me healthy."
But there are still some rifts between us--some things that aren't perfect. We have affection, but affection alone doesn't make our relationship complete. We know that. We're trying to figure out what to do about that other part of our relationship, the part that remains unspoken because we don't want to ruin the affection that creates so much comfort for both of us.
It's a conundrum, that's for sure, and one that can't be resolved right away.
The only thing I can say is that when parents don't provide good models, it can make it very difficult for some of us to figure out how an adult relationship should be--we can split sex from love, affection from sex, the life partner from the lover. We can easily end up living dual lives to meet the need for affection in one and the need for sex in another. At this point, I have never come across a book or a method for healing that rift. My sense is that it's complicated and different in everyone who has the split. We, as a culture, focus on men who have the problem ("what's wrong with those guys? why do they have to cheat? they *must* be sex addicts") but we rarely discuss when it happens in a woman. Women, I've found, often don't openly admit to faults or problems with affection, intimacy and sex--and it's only obliquely alluded to that food is a substitute for a lack of other physical pleasures (it's true.) It's just our culture, I guess. Women, like men, are left to figure it out for themselves. After all, we're a culture of do-it-yourselfers, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstrappers, who are supposed to find the most pleasure from our work and just don't discuss some things for fear they'll offend others or make them judge us wrongly/harshly.
Steady Eddie and I will figure it out. But in the meantime, while some mysteries are unsolvable, we'll hold hands and cuddle and keep our hearts healthy. Longer lives will give us more time to figure it all out.
it's true! holding hands can lower blood pressure as much as it displays that you belong to whomever is holding your hand...and sometimes holding hands can be more intimate than sex (yes, I definitely believe that--it's not something we do with *everyone*)
Over the weekend, Steady Eddie and I, in our efforts to unravel some of the problems in our relationship, talked a bit about how our parents expressed affection. I'm of the mind that what we see as children colors how we get along with our own mates--how we treat him/her, the level of affection, etc.
He remembered some advice a friend gave him years ago: when you're dating a girl, observe the way her parents treat each other. That's how your relationship will probably go.
I'd heard something like that before, but only in reference to a girl's looks--as in you can tell what your wife will look like when she's older by what her mom looks like. The same can be true of men--look at the dad, and there you have what your husband will look like...
The second is superficial...but the first, about how the parents treat one another, I think, is more telling, and more important.
So, we talked about what we saw. Of course, I had the nightmare story of my dad emotionally torturing my mother most of the time when I was a kid, and how she reversed that in old age. It's true....he was a real bastard.
Not wanting to identify too much with my mom, I took on my dad's pattern. That is, until I found that it hurt me too much when I hurt the guys I loved. I then switched the pattern, became more loving and caring. And ended up with a similar situation as my mom. Only I didn't stick around and take it for years on end...
Steady Eddie's parents never fought in front of the kids (like lots of parents of our generation) but while not cruel to each other, they weren't all that affectionate either. Their generation was old fashioned and kind of stoic, with displays of affection thought of as "improper." He knew they cared about each other, but he never learned quite how to express caring and affection to someone else.
When I came along in his life, it wasn't long before I got cuddly with him. That's a test for men in my life--can he be close without being sexual? To me, outward expressions of affection are simply an extension of my extroverted nature (which is quite physical and demonstrative in general.) Over time, I've learned that he was surprised that I liked him sitting with me on the couch, and that I liked to hold his hand when we walk down the street or are in a restaurant, and that I like to
cuddle.
He learned to deal with the discomfort that came with having something he'd rarely experience--then he got used to it. Now, our time together wouldn't be the same without those small expressions of affection.
So, when I told him about the report on holding hands, he said "oh, so I guess you're good for my blood pressure" (he's had hypertension for years.)
"Well, if I can keep your head from exploding (as in a stroke), I keep holding hands with you..."
"that's good...now I know you keep me healthy."
But there are still some rifts between us--some things that aren't perfect. We have affection, but affection alone doesn't make our relationship complete. We know that. We're trying to figure out what to do about that other part of our relationship, the part that remains unspoken because we don't want to ruin the affection that creates so much comfort for both of us.
It's a conundrum, that's for sure, and one that can't be resolved right away.
The only thing I can say is that when parents don't provide good models, it can make it very difficult for some of us to figure out how an adult relationship should be--we can split sex from love, affection from sex, the life partner from the lover. We can easily end up living dual lives to meet the need for affection in one and the need for sex in another. At this point, I have never come across a book or a method for healing that rift. My sense is that it's complicated and different in everyone who has the split. We, as a culture, focus on men who have the problem ("what's wrong with those guys? why do they have to cheat? they *must* be sex addicts") but we rarely discuss when it happens in a woman. Women, I've found, often don't openly admit to faults or problems with affection, intimacy and sex--and it's only obliquely alluded to that food is a substitute for a lack of other physical pleasures (it's true.) It's just our culture, I guess. Women, like men, are left to figure it out for themselves. After all, we're a culture of do-it-yourselfers, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstrappers, who are supposed to find the most pleasure from our work and just don't discuss some things for fear they'll offend others or make them judge us wrongly/harshly.
Steady Eddie and I will figure it out. But in the meantime, while some mysteries are unsolvable, we'll hold hands and cuddle and keep our hearts healthy. Longer lives will give us more time to figure it all out.
posted by Tish Grier at 8:56 AM
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