CRAMPS!
For the first time in months, I have cramps.
Nasty, awful menstrual cramps. The kind I used to get before I got involved with Lucky Bastard.
Now, I know what I'm about to say is going to probably be TMI for some folks, but, hey, I just want to get it out there because there's far too little talk about this sort of thing...the same way there's far too little talk about what it's like to be in an affair with someone (which is why I wrote the Lucky Bastard entries in the first place)
Okay....here goes...
When I have crazy, wild, hard-driving, whole enchilada, swinging-from-the-ceiling holler-at-the-top-of-my-lungs, monkey sex (sometimes with equipment) on a regular, once-a-week basis, I don't get cramps. I have absolutely effortles periods. Don't even know they're happening until I wake up in the a.m. and feel a little twinge and oh, there it is!
Otherwise, I have cramps for days. Sometimes for a week or so leading up to my period. I'm fucking miserable and bitchy and get really, really moody. And then I eat cake. I want to eat so much cake that the idea of taking up residency in a bakery isn't such a bad idea.
So, now you know another reason why I kept Lucky Bastard around for so long. Because it's really fucking difficult to find a guy who truly likes sex...who can really, really fuck, and who actually wants to have fun in the bedroom--who isn't afraid of anything, who wants to try just about everything and is creative.
The big problem with big-ego guys like him is that they can't seem to be like that in the relationship where they are *supposed* to be that way! maybe it's just the pressure of expectation--or maybe it's the novelty and ego boost of keeping one woman totally for sexual pleasure and one at home as a mommy substitute. I don't know.
You'd think that a guy would want a woman who's fully in touch with her sexuality, who knows what she likes and and wants to try different things (with the exception of third parties) or would at least be appreciative of her.
But it seems that the minute I've opened my mouth about what I like in the bedroom, guys get all freaky weird on me--like I'm not a "respectable" woman, or like I'm asking too much of them.
WTF! I thought women were supposed to be able to be everything we want to be sexually. Then, what's the problem with men?? Are so many of them such absolute duds when it comes to sex that they have to pull the value judgement crap and whip out the "S" word (y'all know the one I mean...) when it comes to women who actually like sex.
I think that's part of the problem. There are alot of men who aren't really interested in sex--or who, truthfully, aren't really interested in women. And I'm not talking the old-in-out, roll-on-roll off kind of sex. Like I said, I'm talking crazy, wild, hard-driving, whole enchilada, swinging-from-the-ceiling holler-at-the-top-of-my-lungs, monkey sex. The kind that takes a couple of hours AND some affection. (and requires that the man not be a "closet case"...y'all know what I mean here, too)
And that's *another* bloddy misconception on the part of most men. Y'all can't have the kind of sex I'm talking about without having *feelings* for the other person! Or at least I can't!
Jeebus! maybe I'm weirder than weird and I don't belong here. I want crazy, wild, hard-driving, whole enchilada, swinging-from-the-ceiling holler-at-the-top-of-my-lungs, monkey sex (sometimes with equipment) AND affection! Is it really so asking so much from a man to want him to *know* who I am, as a person, warts and all, and for me to know him, too?
How dare I ask a man for so much? My gosh, I'm sure one guy can't handle it all that.
Yet most guys expect women to not only work full-time jobs and cook dinner, but also mommy them an be lay-there-like-a-blow-up-doll sperm repositories--AND be happy about it.
Women are *never* supposed to say *anything* about what we might want from sex because that puts too much demands on men. Or so my ex-husband used to say.
So, sure...chalk up my bad mood at the moment to my cramps. But, frankly, I'm just taking off the mask of propriety and politeness and finally saying something that took me years and years to put together. I doubt it's going to change my situation, but I feel better that I said it.
I'm going to go have a piece of cake now...chocolate cake....laced with advil.
Nasty, awful menstrual cramps. The kind I used to get before I got involved with Lucky Bastard.
Now, I know what I'm about to say is going to probably be TMI for some folks, but, hey, I just want to get it out there because there's far too little talk about this sort of thing...the same way there's far too little talk about what it's like to be in an affair with someone (which is why I wrote the Lucky Bastard entries in the first place)
Okay....here goes...
When I have crazy, wild, hard-driving, whole enchilada, swinging-from-the-ceiling holler-at-the-top-of-my-lungs, monkey sex (sometimes with equipment) on a regular, once-a-week basis, I don't get cramps. I have absolutely effortles periods. Don't even know they're happening until I wake up in the a.m. and feel a little twinge and oh, there it is!
Otherwise, I have cramps for days. Sometimes for a week or so leading up to my period. I'm fucking miserable and bitchy and get really, really moody. And then I eat cake. I want to eat so much cake that the idea of taking up residency in a bakery isn't such a bad idea.
So, now you know another reason why I kept Lucky Bastard around for so long. Because it's really fucking difficult to find a guy who truly likes sex...who can really, really fuck, and who actually wants to have fun in the bedroom--who isn't afraid of anything, who wants to try just about everything and is creative.
The big problem with big-ego guys like him is that they can't seem to be like that in the relationship where they are *supposed* to be that way! maybe it's just the pressure of expectation--or maybe it's the novelty and ego boost of keeping one woman totally for sexual pleasure and one at home as a mommy substitute. I don't know.
You'd think that a guy would want a woman who's fully in touch with her sexuality, who knows what she likes and and wants to try different things (with the exception of third parties) or would at least be appreciative of her.
But it seems that the minute I've opened my mouth about what I like in the bedroom, guys get all freaky weird on me--like I'm not a "respectable" woman, or like I'm asking too much of them.
WTF! I thought women were supposed to be able to be everything we want to be sexually. Then, what's the problem with men?? Are so many of them such absolute duds when it comes to sex that they have to pull the value judgement crap and whip out the "S" word (y'all know the one I mean...) when it comes to women who actually like sex.
I think that's part of the problem. There are alot of men who aren't really interested in sex--or who, truthfully, aren't really interested in women. And I'm not talking the old-in-out, roll-on-roll off kind of sex. Like I said, I'm talking crazy, wild, hard-driving, whole enchilada, swinging-from-the-ceiling holler-at-the-top-of-my-lungs, monkey sex. The kind that takes a couple of hours AND some affection. (and requires that the man not be a "closet case"...y'all know what I mean here, too)
And that's *another* bloddy misconception on the part of most men. Y'all can't have the kind of sex I'm talking about without having *feelings* for the other person! Or at least I can't!
Jeebus! maybe I'm weirder than weird and I don't belong here. I want crazy, wild, hard-driving, whole enchilada, swinging-from-the-ceiling holler-at-the-top-of-my-lungs, monkey sex (sometimes with equipment) AND affection! Is it really so asking so much from a man to want him to *know* who I am, as a person, warts and all, and for me to know him, too?
How dare I ask a man for so much? My gosh, I'm sure one guy can't handle it all that.
Yet most guys expect women to not only work full-time jobs and cook dinner, but also mommy them an be lay-there-like-a-blow-up-doll sperm repositories--AND be happy about it.
Women are *never* supposed to say *anything* about what we might want from sex because that puts too much demands on men. Or so my ex-husband used to say.
So, sure...chalk up my bad mood at the moment to my cramps. But, frankly, I'm just taking off the mask of propriety and politeness and finally saying something that took me years and years to put together. I doubt it's going to change my situation, but I feel better that I said it.
I'm going to go have a piece of cake now...chocolate cake....laced with advil.
posted by Tish Grier at 12:30 AM
7 Comments:
"Yet most guys expect women to not only work full-time jobs and cook dinner, but also mommy them an be lay-there-like-a-blow-up-doll sperm repositories--AND be happy about it."
No no no, men don't want that. Sheesh! They want a woman to mommy them and then perform oral sex, swallow with a smile and THEN role over and go to sleep. If they can't have that, then they'll take the lay there like a blow up doll version instead. And whine about the lack of oral sex, swallowing and smiling.
I'm glad I've changed teams. ;-)
Yeah, the I'm-looking-for-a-June-Cleaver-who'll-swallow philosophy. *shudder* Thought-provoking post for me since I keep attracting married men and can't seem to attract an available one to save my life and I'm trying to figure out why. Is it only married men who appreciate the un-June Cleaver etc. type of woman?
Hope your cramps subside soon. Good chocolate is better than lousy sex but it's sure a poor substitue for really great sex.
I think Ed points out the connundrum that seems to exist for alot of us of the post-Boomer, pre-Gen X age group...the conflicting ideas about sex that many of us have, unfortunately, internalized.
I agree that the zeitgest among middle agers about sex seems to be that it's always supposed to be wonderful and spontaneous and that we can talk about its wonderful spontenaety, but discussing anything deeper is still Verboten. That to actually discuss it, and engage deeper intimacy will hurt the dreams of Cleaverville...
We are the bridge between the time when discussions of sex were never allowed and before the down-to-earth open discussions about sex took hold. And alot of us suffer because of it--not just women like myself and Heather, but anyone, male or female, who feels a need to hide his/her erotic desires out of a need to perpetuate a dead dream.
And that's, too, what's affecting you and I,Heather....we've got the courage to live out loud and it makes the guys our age uncomfortable because they would love to be that way, yet can't. So many of the married ones admire us because of who we are--and are incredibly conflicted about whp they are. And because many feel the need to defend an ideal of hearth-and-home that has already changed, they can't deal with us properly.
I sometimes think that maybe Mr. Wonderful, for me, is probably about 8-10 years younger...some tattooed love boy in his 30's who knows how to think for himself and isn't bound up in some rigid dream. But I have trouble trusting guys like that. There is something in me that, for all my progressive thinking, is kind of old-fashioned, and kind of believes that a guy that much younger than me isn't going to want me once I hit my 50's and he's middle aged.
Maybe it's fallout from my ex. I don't know. But it doesn't make life any easier
Shalom Tish,
What's really too bad is that men and women don't carry checklists around with them to exchange on the first date; pre-couits, as it where. It would save a lot of frustration and wasted time.
The key, of course, is that the lists need to be honest and well thought out. And everything has to be negotiable.
B'shalom,
Jeff
Hey Tish,
Ah, I so relate to this. Are there men out there who will want to fuck you and love you?
I wondered this allowed once to a guy, who wanted to fuck me but not love me, and he said, "Of course there are. Lots of them." He seemed quite confident which rather disturbed me and I wanted to say, "but not you." but I just thought it instead. I have a 'lil dignity.
-Ainsley
Hi Jeff...
I'm not sure about the checklist, but more honesty would be a nice thing. I know, for me, I've got buried under so much of other people's expectations that honesty has, at times, been very, very hard to maintain. Nothing worse than disappointing someone because I've finally shown the person I actually am.
T.
A...
yeah, I don't know what it is with guys who say that bit about "of course you'll find someone who loves you..." and they don't mean them in particular. Makes me wonder what's wrong with *me*.
I think, though, that it's some guys compartmentalization thing--women have to be in different little boxes for them to be able to cope. And for so many, it's so important to have one woman who embodies all the projections of who they want a woman to be. It can be a divine fantasy world to live in , but also quite dehumanizing.
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