First Tree

Right after I put up my tree, I told friends that this was my first tree--and I had to explain that statement just a bit. This is the first tree that I have put up in my own space, on my own, by myself. It is my first singleton tree.

Now, I have technically been single since 1999, two years before my divorce was final. But I was living at school, and didn't have the impetus, or space, to put up a tree.

Then, once school was over, and I was on my own, I worked retail during the holidays. If there is one single activity that can instantly kill any Holiday Spirit one might have, it's working retail during the holidays. I think most of us have done it at least once, so I won't elaborate.

Prior to that, I was only single between long-term relationships, and not really for drastic lengths of time. Plus, it's different being single between the ages of 25 and 30 than it is being single at 44. In that charmed space of one's late 20's, there are parties to go to, friends to hang around with (who may or may not have trees of their own), and always going back to Mom and Dad's where there would always be a family Christmas tree.

But when relationships don't last, and then you are single again, in a time of life you never expected to be single, and you're not working retail...well, it becomes imperative that if you don't make a Christmas holiday for yourself,
chances are that you won't have one. You'll be one of those sad people sitting in a diner on Christmas day, looking like a character in an Edward Hopper painting.

So, since I have been home alot, I wanted my own tree. Steady Eddie wanted to buy all the decorations for me, but I told him I wanted to do it myself. I found that, even looking at decorations with him, I thought more about what he would want then what I would want. I'd always put trees together with the other person of the relationship in mind, not how I would want to do it, but what would make the other person happy, what might create good memories for him--that's how I ended up with four "Our First Christmas" ornaments that span a ten-year period of my life. It's a bad habit I picked up from my Mother, who always made her children the center of her holiday sentiment.

I went to Michaels, and Target, and Kmart, Sears, Kohls....anyplace I could think of that had ornames. I wasn't overwhelmed by any of what I saw, but picked up a few things. Lots of red and white, a few touches of gold and red, some blue, a little green. Alot of snowmen, a couple of bells, and a large Santa. I have one box of decorations that are close to 20 years old, stuff from other relationships, things given to me, some that I bought myself: a beautiful hand-blown glass ornament given to me by some business associates; two angels made of felt and ribbon with sweet faces; two cardnals and two doves (I have a thing for birds). The topper is a souvenir from the best of my long-term relationships, from my rockabilly days, when we did everything we could to put together a '50's style tree.

I have so many pictures from past Christmases...so many people I will never see again. Like those "Our First Christmas" ornaments, the relationships and people were supposed to last a lifetime. But they are all just mixed emotions, and I don't like to look at any of them.

I also have two large cardboard storage boxes of ornamets at my father's. I didn't want to claim them because so many of the ornaments have memories from my last marriage and, to me, represent alot of bad karma. I didn't want to put up a tree and hang all those ornamets and think of all those Christmas past that are more bitter than sweet. I didn't want that old life moving in and clouding this current life. Eventually, I'll put most of them out at a yard sale.

So, the new ornamets and the new tree are something of a new beginning. In some way, it, too, is bittersweet. There's something very comforting about going and buying all those sentimental things with someone else on your arm, with all the hope that the two of you will look at them every year and remember when it was in your relationship that you bought this or that piece. But each piece on this tree is something that makes me happy. Without having amemory connected to another person, who may or may not be in my life for the next year, 10, or 20.

And when I'm old and gray, and maybe I'm alone again, I can take out these ornaments and remember when I bought them, and why. Remember how I had a year where I decided I wanted to devote myself to some kind of writing career. When I went to California, New York and Harvard, and met a bunch of other bloggers from all over the place and did something totally out of character--created a community both on-line and off; when I wrote my first article and found myself freaking out over my first work contract; when I dumped a guy I loved because he didn't love me, and continued with a guy who isn't much of a lover but is a best friend. A year when I got tired of all that kabuki makeup and started to make my best attempts to be real and not what others want me to be.

Maybe these memories, grown up memories, will be the best of them all.

No matter what you might celebrate, have a wonderful holiday.