Our Dark Secrets
Human sexuality is a strange thing. No matter how much we psychoanalyze it or pathologize it, make it scientific and reductionist, elevate it to a religious mystery or manipulate it to create societal mores and taboos--we still cannot grasp its entirety and may even have trouble finding out its meaning in our own lives....
Lots of reasons for that, really. It can have to do with nature, or nurture; or a dysfunctional family, or bad early experiences. It can have to do with knowing too much about it too soon, or too little about it too late. Yet if there's one thing that I seem to find a constant among everyone I know, it's this:
We all have "dark secrets"--"forbidden thoughts"--things we share openly with only a few trusted friends. And perform only with one other trusted individual. We trust this person not to humiliate us, or deride us, or think us strange or sick-in-the-head. We hope this person will understand and still love us after we have done the "dirty deed"...
There is only one person in my life with whom I've ever shared my deep dark secrets. We have done things together that I might never want to share with another person; because, on the one hand, I'm not sure I could be able to trust another person quite the same way, and on the other, not sure if I even want to try to trust someone to that level.
When I've talked with friends who are married more than 10 years, it seems that, around that time or soon after, there's a deep need to open up our dark secrets. Negotiating this can be difficult. There are, though, far more avenues for discussing these issues than in the past--when they were pretty much confined to "red light" districts and "combat zones."
It's sometimes, too, at this point, or a bit later, after the children are grown, that one of the other partner finally comes out of the closet. For a lot of people, their homosexuality is such a deep dark secret that it's unknown even to themselves, until they are mature enough to claim who they truly are.
There's a funny thing about dark secrets: we all have them. There's not one person who doesn't. They can say they don't. They can spend all sorts of time in church or doing the right thing in other ways, but there is always, always some dark secret that they would never want to come out into the light of the civilized, day to day world.
Dark secrets can be troubling--for so many reasons. Too much of one philosophy--religion or feminism or conservatism or even some other "ism"--can lead us to believe that we are in control of our dark secrets, that some dark secrets are just "bad" things that, if we just purge them from who we are, we can live happy, healthy, "normal" lives. We can believe that dark secrets were put into us by others, that we were always pure as clear water until someone muddied us. That's a false belief. Our dark secrets aren't the thing of someone else's making. They are part of who we are....
We can try to lobotomize ourselves with philosophies and end up troubled by our dark secrets anyway.
Dark secrets push us to do stupid things. For some men, it pushes them to contact other men for sex, when they never would have before. For some women, it pushes them to pick up strangers or hurt those who are younger than them. Dark secrets can push us into subcultures and groups that, by the power of the group, can lead us to believe our dark secrets are their dark secrets and that we are someone we aren't.
We can ameliorate the power of our dark secrets only with one we trust, and who trusts us in return.
Dark secrets contain too much energy to too much nudity, too much baring of our souls and selves for more than one person.
I am troubled that the one who knows my dark secrets (and I know his) will be gone forever from my life. He broke something open in me. I don't know how he did it, but he did. It took me too long to find him--and I don't know if I have the wherewithal to be that open again, that vulnerable, again....in my life. Some might say it's an age thing--but I know it isn't. Has nothing to do with age, but with wisdom, with knowing that some things aren't for the casual lover to know. "Casual" has nothing to do with length of time and everything to do with emotional presence.
I don't know. I'm frightened on the one hand of that beautiful profound connection being severed forever, and on the other I am happy that I had, at least for a short period in my life, shared everything that is vulnerable and dark with one other person on this earth....
It's hard to know what is the right way to think about these things. The right way will be what is right for me, though, not a norm dictated by the outside world. But since the story isn't complete yet, I cannot say. For now, it is limbo with wonderful memories and knowing that I could take him back in a heartbeat because of the places we have gone together.
Patience. And time. And living my life. That's all I can do, really. Everything in time...
Lots of reasons for that, really. It can have to do with nature, or nurture; or a dysfunctional family, or bad early experiences. It can have to do with knowing too much about it too soon, or too little about it too late. Yet if there's one thing that I seem to find a constant among everyone I know, it's this:
We all have "dark secrets"--"forbidden thoughts"--things we share openly with only a few trusted friends. And perform only with one other trusted individual. We trust this person not to humiliate us, or deride us, or think us strange or sick-in-the-head. We hope this person will understand and still love us after we have done the "dirty deed"...
There is only one person in my life with whom I've ever shared my deep dark secrets. We have done things together that I might never want to share with another person; because, on the one hand, I'm not sure I could be able to trust another person quite the same way, and on the other, not sure if I even want to try to trust someone to that level.
When I've talked with friends who are married more than 10 years, it seems that, around that time or soon after, there's a deep need to open up our dark secrets. Negotiating this can be difficult. There are, though, far more avenues for discussing these issues than in the past--when they were pretty much confined to "red light" districts and "combat zones."
It's sometimes, too, at this point, or a bit later, after the children are grown, that one of the other partner finally comes out of the closet. For a lot of people, their homosexuality is such a deep dark secret that it's unknown even to themselves, until they are mature enough to claim who they truly are.
There's a funny thing about dark secrets: we all have them. There's not one person who doesn't. They can say they don't. They can spend all sorts of time in church or doing the right thing in other ways, but there is always, always some dark secret that they would never want to come out into the light of the civilized, day to day world.
Dark secrets can be troubling--for so many reasons. Too much of one philosophy--religion or feminism or conservatism or even some other "ism"--can lead us to believe that we are in control of our dark secrets, that some dark secrets are just "bad" things that, if we just purge them from who we are, we can live happy, healthy, "normal" lives. We can believe that dark secrets were put into us by others, that we were always pure as clear water until someone muddied us. That's a false belief. Our dark secrets aren't the thing of someone else's making. They are part of who we are....
We can try to lobotomize ourselves with philosophies and end up troubled by our dark secrets anyway.
Dark secrets push us to do stupid things. For some men, it pushes them to contact other men for sex, when they never would have before. For some women, it pushes them to pick up strangers or hurt those who are younger than them. Dark secrets can push us into subcultures and groups that, by the power of the group, can lead us to believe our dark secrets are their dark secrets and that we are someone we aren't.
We can ameliorate the power of our dark secrets only with one we trust, and who trusts us in return.
Dark secrets contain too much energy to too much nudity, too much baring of our souls and selves for more than one person.
I am troubled that the one who knows my dark secrets (and I know his) will be gone forever from my life. He broke something open in me. I don't know how he did it, but he did. It took me too long to find him--and I don't know if I have the wherewithal to be that open again, that vulnerable, again....in my life. Some might say it's an age thing--but I know it isn't. Has nothing to do with age, but with wisdom, with knowing that some things aren't for the casual lover to know. "Casual" has nothing to do with length of time and everything to do with emotional presence.
I don't know. I'm frightened on the one hand of that beautiful profound connection being severed forever, and on the other I am happy that I had, at least for a short period in my life, shared everything that is vulnerable and dark with one other person on this earth....
It's hard to know what is the right way to think about these things. The right way will be what is right for me, though, not a norm dictated by the outside world. But since the story isn't complete yet, I cannot say. For now, it is limbo with wonderful memories and knowing that I could take him back in a heartbeat because of the places we have gone together.
Patience. And time. And living my life. That's all I can do, really. Everything in time...
posted by Tish Grier at 5:20 PM
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