Why boyfriends give you toys...and why they shouldn't....
With the notable exceptions of Steady Eddie, Lucky Bastard, and a few special platonic male friends (yes guys,you know who you are) most of the important men in my life have given me copious amounts of dolls and stuffed animals.....
This has not just left me with a whole bunch o'useless *stuff*, not to mention keeping me, for years, quite puzzled....
Why didn't I ever get lingerie? or jewelry? Out of those sig others, there was only one who bought me really nice jewelry (along with expensive dolls.)
I always felt the toys were some sort of attempt at infantilization--some sort of desire for people in my life to keep me a kid in some way. I had an aunt who gave me toys all the way into my late teens--stuffed animals and Raggedy Ann dolls--but that's because she worked for Knickerbocker toys, and the toys were the only thing she could think of giving me. My godmother and godfather were also ones to give me collector dolls. Mostly these were the idea of my godfather, who I think cared more for me than I'll ever really know...
So, as I look at all these pieces of plastic and rag that I have to get rid of, it's hit me:
The toys just might have been some odd attempt to get me to show some sort of nurturing instinct--to give me dolls or "babies" so that I would want babies...or to appeal to that nurturing instinct in me....or that I would set them aside for the child that was to come....
Or maybe I demonstrated some sort of nurturing thing that made them think more of children than of grown up things like jewelry or lingerie.
It's kind of too bad that I didn't really love the boyfriend who gave me both jewelry and dolls. That was, in retrospect, an emotionally balanced relationship of sorts....he saw both the mother side and the beautiful young woman....
Men are funny. Sometimes they won't tell you outright that they want children--but almost all of them do. They might drop weird little hints. One of the last gifts I got from my ex-husband was, for Easter, a baby book about Easter bunnies. I had absolutely no idea what that was about....except now I know it was some little hint that he wanted to have a baby with me....
Why didn't he just bloody well say so! Why didn't he say "listen, I want to talk about something?" No, that was too difficult for a passive-aggressive....
Ironically, none of those toys ever brought out the desire for children. As I said, they felt more like attempts to keep me a kid, stuck somewhere in childhood.
What I really needed, though, as far as gifts were concerned, were gifts for grown-ups. Over the years, my guy friends have given me things like electronics. Steady Eddie's given me lots "toys" like cameras, a dvd player, a home theater system...no lingerie, but that has more to do with a lack of size knowledge than anything. Lucky Bastard's only given me a few anemic bouquets of flowers, some chocolate covered strawberries, and a candle. Can't say he's been one to give me much of anything gift-y....
But, honestly, I can say that the gifts I've received, as well as they ways I've been treated by all the men who are part of my life now, has been very important for me to understand myself as an adult woman.
It's only by being treated like an adult, by understanding sex as fun and not connected to that parental pressure to produce grandchildren, that I've been able to grow up and actually let go of the strange desire to shirk responsibility and hang out in an arrested state of development...
So I see now: toys, given to a young woman, can be an opening to a discussion about having children....
But why give toys in place of discussion? That's something I don't understand. At least in my case....
Yet it wasn't toys that I ever needed. What I needed was the nurturing to grow up--not to just have a job that pays the bills, but to have a career, or to grow something....
Over the past year, I've been 'growing' my little social media consultancy. And in growing that business, I've begun to feel like, yes, I can handle a pet, maybe....
And in thinking about a pet, I've also thought about settling down. Settling down hasn't felt like it would be something that would take away my freedom or force me to become some person I wasn't ready to becom. Rather, it's felt like it would be something welcome. That family, now, would be welcome...
Because I've been doing things that no one in my family has done--graduated college, struck out on my own, started a teensy-weensy business....
I don't think I could have done those things if I didn't have both Steady Eddie and Lucky Bastard (and those other platonic friends who shall remain nameless), who have treated me as an adult--who have been supportive in their own unique ways, who've given advice, listened when I've needed an ear, and even called me out when I've acted like a child.
I'm not sure I could have grown up if they'd given me toys and tolerated the temper tantrums....
Note: Dolls are also "fetish" or fertility items. In some cultures, there's the custom for the bride to have a bride doll--her last doll--at her wedding. I almost didn't get a bride doll...but that's besides the point. It wouldn't have made a difference, I don't think. If one doesn't know the significance of the symbol, it's hard to know how to act.
This has not just left me with a whole bunch o'useless *stuff*, not to mention keeping me, for years, quite puzzled....
Why didn't I ever get lingerie? or jewelry? Out of those sig others, there was only one who bought me really nice jewelry (along with expensive dolls.)
I always felt the toys were some sort of attempt at infantilization--some sort of desire for people in my life to keep me a kid in some way. I had an aunt who gave me toys all the way into my late teens--stuffed animals and Raggedy Ann dolls--but that's because she worked for Knickerbocker toys, and the toys were the only thing she could think of giving me. My godmother and godfather were also ones to give me collector dolls. Mostly these were the idea of my godfather, who I think cared more for me than I'll ever really know...
So, as I look at all these pieces of plastic and rag that I have to get rid of, it's hit me:
The toys just might have been some odd attempt to get me to show some sort of nurturing instinct--to give me dolls or "babies" so that I would want babies...or to appeal to that nurturing instinct in me....or that I would set them aside for the child that was to come....
Or maybe I demonstrated some sort of nurturing thing that made them think more of children than of grown up things like jewelry or lingerie.
It's kind of too bad that I didn't really love the boyfriend who gave me both jewelry and dolls. That was, in retrospect, an emotionally balanced relationship of sorts....he saw both the mother side and the beautiful young woman....
Men are funny. Sometimes they won't tell you outright that they want children--but almost all of them do. They might drop weird little hints. One of the last gifts I got from my ex-husband was, for Easter, a baby book about Easter bunnies. I had absolutely no idea what that was about....except now I know it was some little hint that he wanted to have a baby with me....
Why didn't he just bloody well say so! Why didn't he say "listen, I want to talk about something?" No, that was too difficult for a passive-aggressive....
Ironically, none of those toys ever brought out the desire for children. As I said, they felt more like attempts to keep me a kid, stuck somewhere in childhood.
What I really needed, though, as far as gifts were concerned, were gifts for grown-ups. Over the years, my guy friends have given me things like electronics. Steady Eddie's given me lots "toys" like cameras, a dvd player, a home theater system...no lingerie, but that has more to do with a lack of size knowledge than anything. Lucky Bastard's only given me a few anemic bouquets of flowers, some chocolate covered strawberries, and a candle. Can't say he's been one to give me much of anything gift-y....
But, honestly, I can say that the gifts I've received, as well as they ways I've been treated by all the men who are part of my life now, has been very important for me to understand myself as an adult woman.
It's only by being treated like an adult, by understanding sex as fun and not connected to that parental pressure to produce grandchildren, that I've been able to grow up and actually let go of the strange desire to shirk responsibility and hang out in an arrested state of development...
So I see now: toys, given to a young woman, can be an opening to a discussion about having children....
But why give toys in place of discussion? That's something I don't understand. At least in my case....
Yet it wasn't toys that I ever needed. What I needed was the nurturing to grow up--not to just have a job that pays the bills, but to have a career, or to grow something....
Over the past year, I've been 'growing' my little social media consultancy. And in growing that business, I've begun to feel like, yes, I can handle a pet, maybe....
And in thinking about a pet, I've also thought about settling down. Settling down hasn't felt like it would be something that would take away my freedom or force me to become some person I wasn't ready to becom. Rather, it's felt like it would be something welcome. That family, now, would be welcome...
Because I've been doing things that no one in my family has done--graduated college, struck out on my own, started a teensy-weensy business....
I don't think I could have done those things if I didn't have both Steady Eddie and Lucky Bastard (and those other platonic friends who shall remain nameless), who have treated me as an adult--who have been supportive in their own unique ways, who've given advice, listened when I've needed an ear, and even called me out when I've acted like a child.
I'm not sure I could have grown up if they'd given me toys and tolerated the temper tantrums....
Note: Dolls are also "fetish" or fertility items. In some cultures, there's the custom for the bride to have a bride doll--her last doll--at her wedding. I almost didn't get a bride doll...but that's besides the point. It wouldn't have made a difference, I don't think. If one doesn't know the significance of the symbol, it's hard to know how to act.
posted by Tish Grier at 3:12 PM
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