21 things I've had to learn about life (the hard way)
Lately, I've been horribly introspective--looking over parts of my life, trying to figure out what happened and how I got here, which isn't quite an optimum place in life...
One thing that's a constant is that I wasn't prepared quite properly for some of the odd eventualities and realities of adulthood. While it might be easy to blame my parents for these things, I can't really blame two people who probably weren't taught these things and for there own reasons might not have been able to learn them.
I've learned a lot about life through trial and error, through hurting others, allowing others to hurt me, and sometimes doing things that ended up hurting myself. Sometimes that's the best, although the hardest, way to learn. And even though I know I haven't learned it all, here's a list of 21 things I've learned so far...
1. Love is a very precious thing. Do not do anything to deny it or destroy it in any way, as there is far too little of it in the world as it is.
2. Love between two young people is a special kind of love. Parents should do whatever they can to help nurture this love, no matter what. This is the love that creates good families.
3. Just because your parents might not show you love, or might not love you at all, doesn't mean there won't be other people who will love you and want to take their place. Or at least want to help you have a better life.
4. Don't be so angry with yourself or others that you won't be able to see love when it comes to you from people who are not your family. They can become your family if you let them in. This may be the hardest thing you ever do, as it may go against everything you were taught as a kid about "outsiders."
5. The only reason a parent should interfere in a adult-child's relationship is if there is genuine legal-definition abuse. Not because they believe there is abuse, or that there is some sort of jealousy or "that person's no good for my baby" thinking. Once your "baby" is old enough to get married, he/she is not your baby any more.
6. The person who says at the beginning of a marriage that they never want to have kids is usually the person who changes his/her mind when someone important in their life dies. Then, they will want kids. Doesn't mean though that they'll tell you they've changed their mind. But they'll tell someone.
7. Never pit one sibling or family member against another over money. If someone needs money that bad in their life as to take the bait, and is willing to destroy that family bond for money, then they will probably never have enough of it to be happy anyway.
8. Never get jealous when your child falls in love, just because it may not have worked out that way for you.
9. Never allow anyone to push you into a marriage nor push someone else into a marriage. Taking hostages doesn't make for good families.
10. Never tell your children that you never really loved your spouse. What, then does that tell your children about who they are in your life?
11. Learn to forgive. And not in that new-agey hokey pop-psychology feel-good way. Learn to forgive in a deeply spiritual way--which may mean admitting that you were wrong.
12. If you've had a disagreement with a friend, always try to make up with that friend. Don't "never speak" to that person again, which is what happens to us when we die.
13. Never lose track of friends, if you can help it. Nothing worse than looking at pictures of people and you have no idea what has happened to them.
14. When you meet someone in a "phase" of your life and learn to love that person, it still may not mean you should marry that person. Esp. if you've outgrown the phase and they, perhaps, haven't.
15. Don't have children because you're desperate or want to re-do your life. Their life isn't your life.
16. As an adult, you're going to need more support in life than you realize. That's why we sometimes need some kind of "church" or form of worship. And there are lots of strange kinds of "churches" (belief systems, forms of worship, philosophical thought principles, etc.) out there that have absolutely nothing to do with organized religion...
17. Real "churches" will show you the cycles of life, and make it safe for you to be who you truly are. False churches will make you be who they want you to be, and will discard you when you do not conform. Don't feel too bad when you're discarded. Just keep looking for that real church.
18. Don't be too alarmed when you find the true person you are. It may take years of searching, and you may end up being the kind of person you may have judged, superficially, as "uncool."
19. "Cool" doesn't last forever (and may depend on how thin you can stay and how much hair you can keep on your head.) If you can ride it for a long time, you're really lucky, and probably have a very good sense of popular culture.
20. Never be jealous of someone else's "cool" or your kids' "cool." There's more to life than "cool." or there should be.
21. Water seeks its own level. Even at "low tide" you can find like-minded folks. And the tide always rises again anyway. Just wait awhile.
One thing that's a constant is that I wasn't prepared quite properly for some of the odd eventualities and realities of adulthood. While it might be easy to blame my parents for these things, I can't really blame two people who probably weren't taught these things and for there own reasons might not have been able to learn them.
I've learned a lot about life through trial and error, through hurting others, allowing others to hurt me, and sometimes doing things that ended up hurting myself. Sometimes that's the best, although the hardest, way to learn. And even though I know I haven't learned it all, here's a list of 21 things I've learned so far...
1. Love is a very precious thing. Do not do anything to deny it or destroy it in any way, as there is far too little of it in the world as it is.
2. Love between two young people is a special kind of love. Parents should do whatever they can to help nurture this love, no matter what. This is the love that creates good families.
3. Just because your parents might not show you love, or might not love you at all, doesn't mean there won't be other people who will love you and want to take their place. Or at least want to help you have a better life.
4. Don't be so angry with yourself or others that you won't be able to see love when it comes to you from people who are not your family. They can become your family if you let them in. This may be the hardest thing you ever do, as it may go against everything you were taught as a kid about "outsiders."
5. The only reason a parent should interfere in a adult-child's relationship is if there is genuine legal-definition abuse. Not because they believe there is abuse, or that there is some sort of jealousy or "that person's no good for my baby" thinking. Once your "baby" is old enough to get married, he/she is not your baby any more.
6. The person who says at the beginning of a marriage that they never want to have kids is usually the person who changes his/her mind when someone important in their life dies. Then, they will want kids. Doesn't mean though that they'll tell you they've changed their mind. But they'll tell someone.
7. Never pit one sibling or family member against another over money. If someone needs money that bad in their life as to take the bait, and is willing to destroy that family bond for money, then they will probably never have enough of it to be happy anyway.
8. Never get jealous when your child falls in love, just because it may not have worked out that way for you.
9. Never allow anyone to push you into a marriage nor push someone else into a marriage. Taking hostages doesn't make for good families.
10. Never tell your children that you never really loved your spouse. What, then does that tell your children about who they are in your life?
11. Learn to forgive. And not in that new-agey hokey pop-psychology feel-good way. Learn to forgive in a deeply spiritual way--which may mean admitting that you were wrong.
12. If you've had a disagreement with a friend, always try to make up with that friend. Don't "never speak" to that person again, which is what happens to us when we die.
13. Never lose track of friends, if you can help it. Nothing worse than looking at pictures of people and you have no idea what has happened to them.
14. When you meet someone in a "phase" of your life and learn to love that person, it still may not mean you should marry that person. Esp. if you've outgrown the phase and they, perhaps, haven't.
15. Don't have children because you're desperate or want to re-do your life. Their life isn't your life.
16. As an adult, you're going to need more support in life than you realize. That's why we sometimes need some kind of "church" or form of worship. And there are lots of strange kinds of "churches" (belief systems, forms of worship, philosophical thought principles, etc.) out there that have absolutely nothing to do with organized religion...
17. Real "churches" will show you the cycles of life, and make it safe for you to be who you truly are. False churches will make you be who they want you to be, and will discard you when you do not conform. Don't feel too bad when you're discarded. Just keep looking for that real church.
18. Don't be too alarmed when you find the true person you are. It may take years of searching, and you may end up being the kind of person you may have judged, superficially, as "uncool."
19. "Cool" doesn't last forever (and may depend on how thin you can stay and how much hair you can keep on your head.) If you can ride it for a long time, you're really lucky, and probably have a very good sense of popular culture.
20. Never be jealous of someone else's "cool" or your kids' "cool." There's more to life than "cool." or there should be.
21. Water seeks its own level. Even at "low tide" you can find like-minded folks. And the tide always rises again anyway. Just wait awhile.
posted by Tish Grier at 10:22 PM
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