eDisappointment.com

I made the very big mistake of joining eHarmony.com....

Now, I'd heard from a friend that a friend of hers had met someone thru the service and they were about to get married. So, I figured "what the heck. Let me give it a shot."

The form takes forever to fill out. Many of the questions are black-and-white answers, with very little wiggle-room for the gray areas of life (or at least my gray-area thinking.)

And, sure, I've been getting matches--basically from every state east of the Mississippi. I'm always stunned when my latest crop of six matches comes from Michigan, Kentucky, Tennesee, somewhere in New York State, and Ohio. A smattering of guys from Connecticut and Massachusetts, but not many. And few even come by and take a look. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not serious enough for them, or maybe many of them are looking for a woman with children. Or they want someone who's got an executive-level job who will help them pay their alimony.

Lord knows what goes thru the minds of single middle-aged men!

Aside from the matching me with anybody east of the Mississippi, there's also the extra services and the renewal. I (unfortunately wasted my money on) signed up for a three-month membership, which will (also unfortunately) get automatically renewed unless I perform the secret internet handshake so that they don't automatically renew me again.

Opting out of the renewal process shouldn't be hidden. It should be out, clear, in the open. I shouldn't feel like I'm being tricked into renewing.

Oh, and that doesn't take into account the very cold rejection responses, such as "I feel we have no chemistry" or "other." Now, "other" is neutral enough--but it's still kind of weird. When I receive the "I feel the physical distance between us is too great" from someone in North Carolina or Indiana or anywhere out of Mass, I'm not disappointed. That makes great sense.....

And when I *do* hear from someone half a continent away, I begin to both wonder, and feel like a mail-order bride. One match seems like a very nice guy, and I honestly wouldn't mind meeting him--but he's in Kentucky. Would be kind of hard to go out on a date, don't you think?

That's another thing: I don't get from this site that anyone's interested in just casually dating. It feels more like it's deadly serious, that the people are looking for that person they'll be matched with; that they'll exchange some email and phone calls, have that long distance "courting" thing, maybe a few fly-in visits and then bam! It's load the UHaul and haul ass across the country to the love of your life!

I'm not so sure about that.

I've always been concerned about the whole static nature of internet meeting anyway. We are often more than just a few carefully chosen words and a photograph on a screen. The men I've always had fantastic chemistry and great sex with, and even get along with, have always been those tall thin athletic types. Can't tell you why, but it's been that way consistently throughout my life. And those are the kind of guys that, if given a photo and a few words, will consistently pass me by....

Oh, and then there's the way in which you communicate on eHarmony. It's a series of rather stilted, "guided" email. I'm sorry, but for someone like me, who's a constant and experienced internet communicator, it's old-fashioned and annoying....

Not to mention that most men still don't like it when the woman is the first to communicate with them. That is, unless she looks like a model. Then, of course they don't mind....that's like some sort of Fairy Queen anointing them or something....

I don't know--because I have no idea what goes through middle-aged men's minds.

There's also no way to find out what kind of music the guy likes, what his life is like, etc. You find out this "character" stuff that can be just as false as info on any other site. And, honestly, it's the kind of stuff that you'd find out about someone in a few dates anyway. However, when I look at the character questions, I make note of them--they *can* be good things to ask someone anyway, and they have honed in on the things I know I can't tolerate in another person.

But, overall, I'm disappointed in this whole thing--from the crazy out of state matches that make me feel like a mail-order bride, to the stilted communication, the cold canned rejection responses, and the complicated opt-out. As my friend Marvin's wont to say "You're unique. Uniqueness is tough to fit on a computer screen."

And I guess he's right. I am who I am. I'm not model-thin, and in a two-dimensional world, one isn't going to *get* me all that well.

Then again, maybe I've just hit a point where I'm too quirky and too weird and the things that youthful beauty covered up to one degree or another, are now "out there" and there's no hiding them. eek! When it feels like the world of men demands perfection, where does someone so imperfect as me go to meet someone?? If men can't get past my non-fashion-model middle-aged appearance, what am I to do?

But one thing I can do for myself. Dig out that opt-out and stop beating myself up. At least that's a start.