Understanding the Rhythms of Life--Clearing away the block
So, I'm looking for a recipe for a lemon vinaigrette salad dressing, and in the middle of the page I see an ad for the new Wet 'n Wild makeup site. I'd noticed that Wet 'n Wild--a brand I'd known for 20 plus years--wasn't as ubiquitous in drug stores as it had been, so I explored the site a bit...but it was really the picture of the girl in the ad that got me.....
Not because she was particularly pretty or anything like that. It had more to do with the makeup she was wearing that was so reminiscent of disco-era makeup..
When I was a young person.
I got to thinking more of that. How being a young person is so much about planning your life, making yourself beautiful to find a mate (although most of us are beautiful without any makeup) thinking and dreaming about the families we will have....
And that there was so much about life that never got explained to me.
This makes me so very sad--how I never saw how beautiful I was, never understood the love I had with my young husband, never understood the love and caring that other people were showing me.
Those kinds of things only happen when you are young. And if you have a harpy and an ogre for parents--screaming and yelling all the time--and a sibling that is happy to humiliate and degrade you, then it's hard to feel good about yourself and to appreciate the wonderful things that others are giving to you.
I'm joining a board of a local arts organization. It's the first group I've been around in awhile where I felt comfortable, where the people were down to earth, not pretentious, there to help the organization get things done and keep growing.
And I thought more about the blocks I have to clear away in my life to move forward.
I called two churches yesterday. One of the things that came up in Life Coaching last week was how much a spiritual life means to me. It was the one thing that held me together when I was dealing with academics and a divorce and an unsupportive family and psycho housemates. It's something I have to get back to. I've decided to talk with the pastors--as these are new denominations--and find out more about the belief systems, just to see if they fit with my personal beliefs. That's one of the reasons I don't want to go back to Catholicism--there are things with it that just do not resonate with me anymore.
I'm also going to try to do some online dating--just to start going out with other guys. Last night, S.E. "joked" about my looking for a spiritual home, and that didn't make me happy. It's one more thing that reminds me that we're not really suited to one another. But also it's time to get moving anyway. The longer I stay with just him, the more hopeless I'll feel about being attractive and about getting my butt out there again.
Like spring cleaning, I want to throw open the doors to my life and do new things, meet new people, be out there, involved in the community and in life. Sure, there are moments when I'm quiet and like to be safe and cozy (as I like to call it) but I don't want to be isolated and in my own little private Idaho all the time. That's just not healthy for me.
I played a little with a baby the other day. It's been a very long time since babies were in my life--mostly from changing my life so much with school and all. The baby made my heart ache, and I remembered being young and babysitting all the time. How , at 25, I wanted to take my niece away from my sister because I knew she was neglecting her and didn't want her. And that I wanted children, but was so afraid that if I did, I'd turn into my mother--who, sadly, personified the Wicked Witch. Everything about marriage and family was poison. Nothing good could come of it if I settled down. If I had children, she wouldn't help me--I'd be alone. Or worse, my child would get hurt. Marriage was enough.
But my first marrriage couldn't stand the stress and interferrance of our parents. And my second marriage couldn't stand the dysfunction and my illnesses.
Funny, I'm not ill now. Sure, there are "things" but nowhere near the amount of illness that I had more than 10 years ago.
There are days where I feel like I'm coming out of a long, bad dream. I stand around going "what happened to my life?" and remember the dysfunction that I tried to understand, how I didn't do the best job of balancing life and work. I simply didn't know how to do any of it.
When I turned 21, I felt like my life was over. I never realized that, what was really happening, was that my life was just starting (when your mother, daily, screams at you about not being married, you begin to wonder what's wrong with who you are...) And now, at 47, I hope I can still have a life with things that are important to me. I hope I'm not careening uncontrollably into old age, and should be buying that burial plot. I know I'm in "middle age" but what does that mean for my life?
I don't know....I just see the things I've missed and I wonder...what is *this* life about?
Not because she was particularly pretty or anything like that. It had more to do with the makeup she was wearing that was so reminiscent of disco-era makeup..
When I was a young person.
I got to thinking more of that. How being a young person is so much about planning your life, making yourself beautiful to find a mate (although most of us are beautiful without any makeup) thinking and dreaming about the families we will have....
And that there was so much about life that never got explained to me.
This makes me so very sad--how I never saw how beautiful I was, never understood the love I had with my young husband, never understood the love and caring that other people were showing me.
Those kinds of things only happen when you are young. And if you have a harpy and an ogre for parents--screaming and yelling all the time--and a sibling that is happy to humiliate and degrade you, then it's hard to feel good about yourself and to appreciate the wonderful things that others are giving to you.
I'm joining a board of a local arts organization. It's the first group I've been around in awhile where I felt comfortable, where the people were down to earth, not pretentious, there to help the organization get things done and keep growing.
And I thought more about the blocks I have to clear away in my life to move forward.
I called two churches yesterday. One of the things that came up in Life Coaching last week was how much a spiritual life means to me. It was the one thing that held me together when I was dealing with academics and a divorce and an unsupportive family and psycho housemates. It's something I have to get back to. I've decided to talk with the pastors--as these are new denominations--and find out more about the belief systems, just to see if they fit with my personal beliefs. That's one of the reasons I don't want to go back to Catholicism--there are things with it that just do not resonate with me anymore.
I'm also going to try to do some online dating--just to start going out with other guys. Last night, S.E. "joked" about my looking for a spiritual home, and that didn't make me happy. It's one more thing that reminds me that we're not really suited to one another. But also it's time to get moving anyway. The longer I stay with just him, the more hopeless I'll feel about being attractive and about getting my butt out there again.
Like spring cleaning, I want to throw open the doors to my life and do new things, meet new people, be out there, involved in the community and in life. Sure, there are moments when I'm quiet and like to be safe and cozy (as I like to call it) but I don't want to be isolated and in my own little private Idaho all the time. That's just not healthy for me.
I played a little with a baby the other day. It's been a very long time since babies were in my life--mostly from changing my life so much with school and all. The baby made my heart ache, and I remembered being young and babysitting all the time. How , at 25, I wanted to take my niece away from my sister because I knew she was neglecting her and didn't want her. And that I wanted children, but was so afraid that if I did, I'd turn into my mother--who, sadly, personified the Wicked Witch. Everything about marriage and family was poison. Nothing good could come of it if I settled down. If I had children, she wouldn't help me--I'd be alone. Or worse, my child would get hurt. Marriage was enough.
But my first marrriage couldn't stand the stress and interferrance of our parents. And my second marriage couldn't stand the dysfunction and my illnesses.
Funny, I'm not ill now. Sure, there are "things" but nowhere near the amount of illness that I had more than 10 years ago.
There are days where I feel like I'm coming out of a long, bad dream. I stand around going "what happened to my life?" and remember the dysfunction that I tried to understand, how I didn't do the best job of balancing life and work. I simply didn't know how to do any of it.
When I turned 21, I felt like my life was over. I never realized that, what was really happening, was that my life was just starting (when your mother, daily, screams at you about not being married, you begin to wonder what's wrong with who you are...) And now, at 47, I hope I can still have a life with things that are important to me. I hope I'm not careening uncontrollably into old age, and should be buying that burial plot. I know I'm in "middle age" but what does that mean for my life?
I don't know....I just see the things I've missed and I wonder...what is *this* life about?
posted by Tish Grier at 7:06 AM
1 Comments:
If there is one thing my mother demonstrates on a regular basis, it's that age is no barrier to doing things. She's almost 71, still jet-sets around Europe, looks like she's in her late 50s, has hobbies and more of a social life than me. Go for doing whatever you want to do.
Also, I get really pissed when people make light of my own deep craving for spirituality and the esoteric and mystical. It's too much of my makeup that anyone who makes light of it is quickly someone I avoid.
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