A Fateful Decision
As the general academic year rolls to a close, I'm reminded that, 10 years ago, I made a fateful decision to go to Smith College...
Families on both sides, my husband's mother and my parents, got very angry with me. I didn't understand why.
Three days after I made that decision, in June, my husband left me. And confessed he'd been having an affair since November.
Hindsight being 20/20, I now see that the parents got angry because, in their eyes, I wasn't going to get an education--I was leaving my husband.
In my husband's eyes, I was probably leaving him, too.
I was 37. I didn't have children. I was afraid to. Even though my husband's family had died out from under him in less than 2 years. He never told me how this bothered him and he wanted family. Or at least we never sat down and had a real talk about it.
It would have been nice if we did. Things might have been different.
And I'm now understanding further, that I made the decision because I really wanted the education. To everyone else, I made the decision to abandon family. They felt that way because women aren't supposed to go off to school.
Women aren't supposed to go off anywhere. They're supposed to follow the men. Whither thou goest, I go. That's from the Story of Ruth, in the Old Testament. Once we marry, our decision making on some matters is over. We are supposed to follow. And to be with the mother-in-law if necessary.
Education was a dream of mine. Within that dream was a husband who wanted me to be just as smart as him, who wanted to come with me. A husband who would support my dreams as much as I supported his. But, when it comes to children and family, that's not the case. Perhaps it was being 37 and not having been pregnant that was freaking everyone out. I wasn't freaked. I figured I'd finish my education in 2 years and have a kid at 40.....
But when he left--admitted to that affair (lord knows if he'd had others, when I didn't)--all my dreams for the future left me.
It's taken me 10 years to get back some kinds of dreams for the future. Now, again, there's no one to share them with. Steady Eddie is still around, but he chafes. He cares but not about the future. He watches over me, like the protector, and I make him laugh and make him happy. But he doesn't want anything for the future that involves family or other people. I dont' know what his problem is with that--maybe hurt from his last marriage. I can't change that. I can't change someone else's issues....
It's hard to look back over 10 years and see how hurt I was, how I just couldn't dream because all the dreams and plans I'd made were obliterated when my husband left.
It's hard not to feel that I've been punished by Fate or God or Whatever in the Universe because I made the decision to get an education over the decision to follow my husband and make a family.
Or have I been the one punishing me? I don't know. That's a distinct possibility.
I've been reading more on Borderline Personality Disorder because I've been very concerned about patterns of behavior in my life. These patters were things that I learned from my mother and father. They are not me. I had to adapt a lot of me to be with them. I've always had to adapt me to fit with other people--and my decisions about my life have always been punished one way or another.
I don't know if my ex-husband's reaction to my leaving--his abandonment fears--were out of BPD or if they were the fears any man might have who'd lost almost all his family members in a short period of time and then had his wife going off to school. As I begin to see that I lack the Intestinal Fortitude to balance a number of things in my life, perhaps he didn't have it within him to balance those things either.
That's something else I've come to acknowledge about myself recently: that I can't do it all at the same time. When everything in life is in upheaval--friends, family and job--it's just about impossible for me to try to take care of all of those things at the same time. I never learned how to handle these things without anger, screaming-and-yelling, recriminations of others, etc.-never learned how to handle them in a constructive manner. I see now how all those things have to be taken one step at a time, and time has to be made for them. Carve it out. Do little things to make them happen. Sitting like Cinderella waiting for the Fairy Godmother won't help. Screaming and yelling and getting pissed off and blaming everyone else won't help either.
When I'm in times like this, it hits me the damage of growing up with parents who were very damaged people. They were so hurt and neglected as children that they had no choice in how they turned out. But I'm different. I'm aware of things more than they were.
I can change these negative patters if I have some help.
I've decided to see a life coach to help me focus on the future--making plans, taking action. Therapy isn't the answer any more. Therapy ends up devolving into a blame game and looking at the past. Right now, doing that only brings regrets. I know what happened, and I know why. There's no one to blame, but I do regret things (esp. my first husband. there is no love like the love between two young people.) And I regret them because what I want for the future seems to be unattainable. Those things feel unattainable because I'm balancing too many changes and it's way too much for me to try to do all those things at the same time, all by myself, with no support (that's always been the case--no wonder I've cracked up a time or two.) So, I need a rudder, someone to help me keep focus and to move forward in a constructive manner--not burn bridges out of self-loathing.
And to stop the self-loathing. But I can only stop that when I can see what I'm doing, what I've done, how things are changing, where they could go.
These are the things that good, normal parents (or even grandparents--didn't have those) help a child learn to do. When your parents don't teach you how to plan for the future and make right decisions, then it's hard to do that stuff as an adult. When you hate yourself too much, you can't plan anything either.
When I graduated college in '01, I was so full of self-loathing that I couldn't see nor plan a good future for myself. I lost some opportunities--and, actually, I think I wanted to die. But I didn't. I've managed to make other opportunities. But I'm not getting any younger here. There might not be too many chances to make those chameleon-like changes that I've managed to do most of my life, sometimes making those changes just for the heck of it. I know I can get a grip on things, but I need help and support--something I've never really had (except for my business coach-who was wonderful and very helpful.) I don't need wallowing in examination of the past self.
So maybe choosing a life coach, like choosing a college, is another of those fateful decision. Maybe this will help stop the destructive momentum I feel has been gathering, maybe this will help me turn a number of things around for the positive.
I hope so.
Families on both sides, my husband's mother and my parents, got very angry with me. I didn't understand why.
Three days after I made that decision, in June, my husband left me. And confessed he'd been having an affair since November.
Hindsight being 20/20, I now see that the parents got angry because, in their eyes, I wasn't going to get an education--I was leaving my husband.
In my husband's eyes, I was probably leaving him, too.
I was 37. I didn't have children. I was afraid to. Even though my husband's family had died out from under him in less than 2 years. He never told me how this bothered him and he wanted family. Or at least we never sat down and had a real talk about it.
It would have been nice if we did. Things might have been different.
And I'm now understanding further, that I made the decision because I really wanted the education. To everyone else, I made the decision to abandon family. They felt that way because women aren't supposed to go off to school.
Women aren't supposed to go off anywhere. They're supposed to follow the men. Whither thou goest, I go. That's from the Story of Ruth, in the Old Testament. Once we marry, our decision making on some matters is over. We are supposed to follow. And to be with the mother-in-law if necessary.
Education was a dream of mine. Within that dream was a husband who wanted me to be just as smart as him, who wanted to come with me. A husband who would support my dreams as much as I supported his. But, when it comes to children and family, that's not the case. Perhaps it was being 37 and not having been pregnant that was freaking everyone out. I wasn't freaked. I figured I'd finish my education in 2 years and have a kid at 40.....
But when he left--admitted to that affair (lord knows if he'd had others, when I didn't)--all my dreams for the future left me.
It's taken me 10 years to get back some kinds of dreams for the future. Now, again, there's no one to share them with. Steady Eddie is still around, but he chafes. He cares but not about the future. He watches over me, like the protector, and I make him laugh and make him happy. But he doesn't want anything for the future that involves family or other people. I dont' know what his problem is with that--maybe hurt from his last marriage. I can't change that. I can't change someone else's issues....
It's hard to look back over 10 years and see how hurt I was, how I just couldn't dream because all the dreams and plans I'd made were obliterated when my husband left.
It's hard not to feel that I've been punished by Fate or God or Whatever in the Universe because I made the decision to get an education over the decision to follow my husband and make a family.
Or have I been the one punishing me? I don't know. That's a distinct possibility.
I've been reading more on Borderline Personality Disorder because I've been very concerned about patterns of behavior in my life. These patters were things that I learned from my mother and father. They are not me. I had to adapt a lot of me to be with them. I've always had to adapt me to fit with other people--and my decisions about my life have always been punished one way or another.
I don't know if my ex-husband's reaction to my leaving--his abandonment fears--were out of BPD or if they were the fears any man might have who'd lost almost all his family members in a short period of time and then had his wife going off to school. As I begin to see that I lack the Intestinal Fortitude to balance a number of things in my life, perhaps he didn't have it within him to balance those things either.
That's something else I've come to acknowledge about myself recently: that I can't do it all at the same time. When everything in life is in upheaval--friends, family and job--it's just about impossible for me to try to take care of all of those things at the same time. I never learned how to handle these things without anger, screaming-and-yelling, recriminations of others, etc.-never learned how to handle them in a constructive manner. I see now how all those things have to be taken one step at a time, and time has to be made for them. Carve it out. Do little things to make them happen. Sitting like Cinderella waiting for the Fairy Godmother won't help. Screaming and yelling and getting pissed off and blaming everyone else won't help either.
When I'm in times like this, it hits me the damage of growing up with parents who were very damaged people. They were so hurt and neglected as children that they had no choice in how they turned out. But I'm different. I'm aware of things more than they were.
I can change these negative patters if I have some help.
I've decided to see a life coach to help me focus on the future--making plans, taking action. Therapy isn't the answer any more. Therapy ends up devolving into a blame game and looking at the past. Right now, doing that only brings regrets. I know what happened, and I know why. There's no one to blame, but I do regret things (esp. my first husband. there is no love like the love between two young people.) And I regret them because what I want for the future seems to be unattainable. Those things feel unattainable because I'm balancing too many changes and it's way too much for me to try to do all those things at the same time, all by myself, with no support (that's always been the case--no wonder I've cracked up a time or two.) So, I need a rudder, someone to help me keep focus and to move forward in a constructive manner--not burn bridges out of self-loathing.
And to stop the self-loathing. But I can only stop that when I can see what I'm doing, what I've done, how things are changing, where they could go.
These are the things that good, normal parents (or even grandparents--didn't have those) help a child learn to do. When your parents don't teach you how to plan for the future and make right decisions, then it's hard to do that stuff as an adult. When you hate yourself too much, you can't plan anything either.
When I graduated college in '01, I was so full of self-loathing that I couldn't see nor plan a good future for myself. I lost some opportunities--and, actually, I think I wanted to die. But I didn't. I've managed to make other opportunities. But I'm not getting any younger here. There might not be too many chances to make those chameleon-like changes that I've managed to do most of my life, sometimes making those changes just for the heck of it. I know I can get a grip on things, but I need help and support--something I've never really had (except for my business coach-who was wonderful and very helpful.) I don't need wallowing in examination of the past self.
So maybe choosing a life coach, like choosing a college, is another of those fateful decision. Maybe this will help stop the destructive momentum I feel has been gathering, maybe this will help me turn a number of things around for the positive.
I hope so.
posted by Tish Grier at 5:31 AM
2 Comments:
Girl, there is no fucking way you have BPD. If you'd decided to leave your husband because you wanted to smoke the crack-rock, you'd be a good candidate. However, the fact that your decision to broaden your horizons was unsupported by the people with whom you were surrounded speaks volumes of their character flaws, not yours.
Thanks,S! and, believe it or not, I've been reading a book for people who are the adult children of parents with BPD. Now, things are starting to make sense! I'll be posting on that in the next couple of days...
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