Oh no! You're Over 40 and Single! Now What?!?
First: Don't Panic
Second: You're Not Alone....
Believe it or not, being over 40 and single isn't such a rare thing anymore. According to a recent survey conducted by AARP Services and Focalyist, only one in four over 40 folks is married w/children...Which leaves a goodly portion of us--about 1/3 according to the survey--as single (and probably w/out children.)
That still doesn't stop me from panicking. Oh, it's not the hot-sweat, wringing-my-hands, sturm und drang type of panic that I went through in my late 20's. It's now more of a quiet, hyper-vigilant, heebie-jeebie type of panic: one minute I'm okay, and the next minute I'm screaming "I've squandered away my childbearing years on an education and a dubious career on the Internet!"
Or something to that effect.
Yet, there are more days than not when I realize that panicking isn't going to help me. Then, I take a few, long, yogic, deep breaths, slow myself down and remember how I got here....
Seven years ago I found myself being handed the gold-sealed papers of my second divorce, with no means of employment, and trying to complete an honors thesis in order to graduate from a tony New England women's college. Honestly, that was something I never thought I'd do, and something nobody in my family ever expected.
It certainly wasn't anything that anyone in my family would ever consider supporting. My lot was meant to be married and baby-bearing--anything else would make me too smart to be of any use to an "honest" employer or "good" man.
With all that familial conditioning, is it any wonder that I panic about being single and over 40?
Even if your situation is nothing like mine, it's still ok to have that occasional panic attack about being over 40 and single. Regardless of what the survey says, it often feels like we're our own Private Idahos...
Some of that, I think, has to do with changing social patters in middle age. We don't "hang out" like we did in our 20's. There are stricter social rules to follow, mores to adhere to, niches that must be cultivated. Our workdays sometimes end with a laundry list of to-be-accomplished responsibilities--which leave less free time to just wander around and take in the social scene.
Even if we have the free time, many of our peers might not. We wander--they ponder. Never the 'twain shall meet...
When I was in my know-it-all 30's, I had this over-40 friend who often complained that she wasn't meeting anybody. "Well, Marge," I advised "you're not going to meet anyone sitting at home every night in your pink fuzzy slippers watching the Yankee game with your cats! You've got to get out of the house if you want to meet somebody!"
I find myself taking my own good advice these days...esp. since the ending of a long relationship that was secure the way that a button-down hair shirt might also be secure...
It's not that he was a Bad Guy. It's that, by his nature, he's pretty much the Wrong Guy. ..for me...(more on this to come.)
So, all you single, over 40 women out there--don't panic, remember you're not alone, and try to do something to get yourself out of those comfy pink fuzzy slippers and into a nice pair of high heels for a change....
I've got much more to share on the subject of being over 40 and single. I hope some of you will join me and speak your mind, advice, and experiences too :-)
(Cross-posted from my blog at BlogHer.org)
Second: You're Not Alone....
Believe it or not, being over 40 and single isn't such a rare thing anymore. According to a recent survey conducted by AARP Services and Focalyist, only one in four over 40 folks is married w/children...Which leaves a goodly portion of us--about 1/3 according to the survey--as single (and probably w/out children.)
That still doesn't stop me from panicking. Oh, it's not the hot-sweat, wringing-my-hands, sturm und drang type of panic that I went through in my late 20's. It's now more of a quiet, hyper-vigilant, heebie-jeebie type of panic: one minute I'm okay, and the next minute I'm screaming "I've squandered away my childbearing years on an education and a dubious career on the Internet!"
Or something to that effect.
Yet, there are more days than not when I realize that panicking isn't going to help me. Then, I take a few, long, yogic, deep breaths, slow myself down and remember how I got here....
Seven years ago I found myself being handed the gold-sealed papers of my second divorce, with no means of employment, and trying to complete an honors thesis in order to graduate from a tony New England women's college. Honestly, that was something I never thought I'd do, and something nobody in my family ever expected.
It certainly wasn't anything that anyone in my family would ever consider supporting. My lot was meant to be married and baby-bearing--anything else would make me too smart to be of any use to an "honest" employer or "good" man.
With all that familial conditioning, is it any wonder that I panic about being single and over 40?
Even if your situation is nothing like mine, it's still ok to have that occasional panic attack about being over 40 and single. Regardless of what the survey says, it often feels like we're our own Private Idahos...
Some of that, I think, has to do with changing social patters in middle age. We don't "hang out" like we did in our 20's. There are stricter social rules to follow, mores to adhere to, niches that must be cultivated. Our workdays sometimes end with a laundry list of to-be-accomplished responsibilities--which leave less free time to just wander around and take in the social scene.
Even if we have the free time, many of our peers might not. We wander--they ponder. Never the 'twain shall meet...
When I was in my know-it-all 30's, I had this over-40 friend who often complained that she wasn't meeting anybody. "Well, Marge," I advised "you're not going to meet anyone sitting at home every night in your pink fuzzy slippers watching the Yankee game with your cats! You've got to get out of the house if you want to meet somebody!"
I find myself taking my own good advice these days...esp. since the ending of a long relationship that was secure the way that a button-down hair shirt might also be secure...
It's not that he was a Bad Guy. It's that, by his nature, he's pretty much the Wrong Guy. ..for me...(more on this to come.)
So, all you single, over 40 women out there--don't panic, remember you're not alone, and try to do something to get yourself out of those comfy pink fuzzy slippers and into a nice pair of high heels for a change....
I've got much more to share on the subject of being over 40 and single. I hope some of you will join me and speak your mind, advice, and experiences too :-)
(Cross-posted from my blog at BlogHer.org)
posted by Tish Grier at 4:59 PM
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