More than this....

Today was Easter--spent with S.E. again....

I can't help feeling that there's *got* to be more than this to life. That there's got to be some passion, and people, and much more than just working all the time...

There are days, like friday, where my brain just hits a brick wall and goes *splat* like an egg and I can't think at all....

A few sputters yesterday, but I needed to not work today. Which I was able to do.

But we didn't do much else. And that's the problem. We just don't do much.

Managed, though, to play a bit of scrabble--to which I learned it really *isn't* my game, not matter which of my friends insists that it might be if I put more brain time into it.

That's the trouble though--not enough brian time.

And I do so want more than just brain stuff. Sometimes I feel like I'm all head and not much more. It's an old problem though. I never had good balance.

I just keep wanting more--from life, from love, from everything. Nothing seems enough.

I keep being reminded of things from my youth--and I think that's because there's just nothing else there with S.E. He said today "well, maybe if we were living together, we could have people over for Easter..."

But the thing is, who's to know for sure if that will happen at all, when we don't have any mutual friends now??

I reminded him that I need a plan to do things. I can't just go off and trust that it's all going to be okay when there's been no evidence that things will be any different from the staid boring soloness that we have now.

I want a plan, a stucture, a framework of somekind. At this period in my life, I can't just go off and believe that things will be different. I can't trust that much when I've been given nothing to base that trust on. All I can see is that things will be the same as they are now, with me making friends *if* I can, and he sort of sitting there doing nothing.

We go thru these bargaining things, where there are faint (very faint) promises that things will be different. But I don't want just promises. I want to see something, and I'm not seeing it and I'm not happy about any of this.

I'm not happy with any of this right now. I don't want to lose him, but I can't hitch my wagon to him either, so to say. There just doesn't appear to be any future...

The future.

There has to be a future. Where we're going to live, what our lives will be like. Not just this single lonliness that I simply cannot deal with.

There's no need to take pictures. There's no one to share them with. And that' just drives me buggy.

I just want to scream at him "why are you like this?! Why don't you care!? Why do you want to be alone like a fucking hermit!?"

I can't stand it. It's not normal.

And yet by moving on I feel guilty. I feel guilty for all the time he's taken to help me, all the money he's spent on things for me over the years....

It feels awful to pull away from him.

But my god, I don't think I can live the rest of my life with someone who doesn't seem to care nor understand that I don't want to live this loneliness that he finds normal.

I don't think I can stand to live a life with someone who just doesn't care about the things that mean something to me.

When my mother was alive, there was a lot that didn't mean much to me. She was this overarching presence that didn't want me, but kept me tethered to her nonetheless. I missed understanding how many people really loved and cared for me back then because of her.

Now, though, without her around, life is empty. She made sure we were all tethered to her, with no one else, or at least not appreciating anyone else's love.

I want so much more from life. To go after that, though, means sacrificing, moving away from a relationship that's been comfortable, but inadequate in many ways.

There are moments when I just want to scream. Today, there were several moments like that. Dressing pretty for no one but him--as there was no church to go to or family to visit or anything....

And I really don't want that. I want more. Much, much more.

or at least a choice as to whether or not we spend time alone. Not something that feels like enforced exile.

I'm off to bed now. I can't think about it any more. I want to fix it all in one day, change it all with one fell swoop. But that can't be. These things don't just change overnight.

They didn't happen overnight.

goodnight.