The Thought of Dating Fills Me With Dread...
One of the probable reasons for not wanting to totally remove Steady Eddy from my life is that I really do not want to start dating again.
It's not just that being middle-aged and dating is an oxymoronic concept--it's that the men around here are just bloody mean. And if they're not mean, they're mental patients.
I'm not joking about the mental patient part. This was something I didn't know about this part of the world, and is kept pretty much a secret--until you encounter one of these guys. There's a Foundation that exists to "mainstream" men who are mentally ill into the surrounding community. These guys live with roommates (who are often paid by the foundation and are social workers or other "grounded" types) or in apartments, have jobs of some kind, and at first meeting might seem pretty normal.
It's not till you know them awhile that you figure something's wrong. And then they begin to tell you about the list of medications that's as long as your arm or the Foundation or something else tips it off (like ticks, shouting out in movies, etc...)
And then there are the "poets." My god this area is full of "poets." And I'm not talking about actual published poets with talent. Yes, there are some poetry MFAs from UMass and some actual poets around here. I've met a couple of those, and they're for real. I'm talking the guys who print their stuff at the local print shop and hang out with the sulky teens at poetry nights and dress like crap because they think that's what being a "poet" is about.
And they're over 40! "Peter Pan Syndrome" doesn't begin to describe it....
And then there are your stock-in-trade assholes. The guys who look you up and down at a first meeting and say "oh, I was expecting a blonde" or "oh, you don't look like what I pictured," or something else as vapid and rude as you could possibly imagine.
I keep thinking of the guy who told me he looked like Paul Newman and was disappointed I didn't look like Jane Russell. Well, he was only Paul Newman if you squinted real hard, he lost about 50 pounds--and took a baseball bat to his face.
My sense of men around here is that many of them go for the rag-and-bone biker chick type. They don't like you if you're too smart, and they certainly don't like you if you're built like me or look like me.
I've never heard such rudeness from men (other than my Father) until I moved up here.
No wonder I have days where I just want to head back to New Jersey. Honestly, I think guys down there are used to rounder women who dress well and many aren't intimidated by intelligence, even if all they do is drive a truck.
Then again, lots of guys hear intelligence and think "meal ticket." That's pretty common, I think. I just have to be careful not to date truck drivers, mechanics, and retail managers.
If possible.
So, even though I'm comfortable in my body and with my intelligence, I just don't feel like getting criticized on first dates because I somehow didn't measure up to whatever criteria the guy had in his head.
Why even go out with me if you're all that fussy.
Oh, I know: the dating advice that says to date lots of different kinds of people because you might not know what you really like...
Oh, that's just bullshit. Most men have an ideal in their heads, and they're going to keep looking for that ideal until they find it. They'd rather have a withered Giselle Budchen with the intelligence of a gnat than someone like me.
So, the thought of putting up a profile online, the thought of possibly getting stalked by some loser (this recently happened on Classmates.com, with some idiot I don't even remember, who lives in South Carolina) or not hearing anything from anyone that makes me simply want to crawl into a hole and not come out....
Or stay with someone I know who takes me the way I am...
Maybe it's just time to move.
It's not just that being middle-aged and dating is an oxymoronic concept--it's that the men around here are just bloody mean. And if they're not mean, they're mental patients.
I'm not joking about the mental patient part. This was something I didn't know about this part of the world, and is kept pretty much a secret--until you encounter one of these guys. There's a Foundation that exists to "mainstream" men who are mentally ill into the surrounding community. These guys live with roommates (who are often paid by the foundation and are social workers or other "grounded" types) or in apartments, have jobs of some kind, and at first meeting might seem pretty normal.
It's not till you know them awhile that you figure something's wrong. And then they begin to tell you about the list of medications that's as long as your arm or the Foundation or something else tips it off (like ticks, shouting out in movies, etc...)
And then there are the "poets." My god this area is full of "poets." And I'm not talking about actual published poets with talent. Yes, there are some poetry MFAs from UMass and some actual poets around here. I've met a couple of those, and they're for real. I'm talking the guys who print their stuff at the local print shop and hang out with the sulky teens at poetry nights and dress like crap because they think that's what being a "poet" is about.
And they're over 40! "Peter Pan Syndrome" doesn't begin to describe it....
And then there are your stock-in-trade assholes. The guys who look you up and down at a first meeting and say "oh, I was expecting a blonde" or "oh, you don't look like what I pictured," or something else as vapid and rude as you could possibly imagine.
I keep thinking of the guy who told me he looked like Paul Newman and was disappointed I didn't look like Jane Russell. Well, he was only Paul Newman if you squinted real hard, he lost about 50 pounds--and took a baseball bat to his face.
My sense of men around here is that many of them go for the rag-and-bone biker chick type. They don't like you if you're too smart, and they certainly don't like you if you're built like me or look like me.
I've never heard such rudeness from men (other than my Father) until I moved up here.
No wonder I have days where I just want to head back to New Jersey. Honestly, I think guys down there are used to rounder women who dress well and many aren't intimidated by intelligence, even if all they do is drive a truck.
Then again, lots of guys hear intelligence and think "meal ticket." That's pretty common, I think. I just have to be careful not to date truck drivers, mechanics, and retail managers.
If possible.
So, even though I'm comfortable in my body and with my intelligence, I just don't feel like getting criticized on first dates because I somehow didn't measure up to whatever criteria the guy had in his head.
Why even go out with me if you're all that fussy.
Oh, I know: the dating advice that says to date lots of different kinds of people because you might not know what you really like...
Oh, that's just bullshit. Most men have an ideal in their heads, and they're going to keep looking for that ideal until they find it. They'd rather have a withered Giselle Budchen with the intelligence of a gnat than someone like me.
So, the thought of putting up a profile online, the thought of possibly getting stalked by some loser (this recently happened on Classmates.com, with some idiot I don't even remember, who lives in South Carolina) or not hearing anything from anyone that makes me simply want to crawl into a hole and not come out....
Or stay with someone I know who takes me the way I am...
Maybe it's just time to move.
posted by Tish Grier at 11:04 AM
2 Comments:
If you go to any dating site and look at the qualities women are seeking in their perspective mates, career and financial considerations seem to figure prominently. I hate cliches, and sexist cliches are especially repugnant. But just as you deride men for overlooking qualities like intelligence (presumably other internal qualities like kindness, though you failed to mention any specifically), most women are unlikely to even give me a chance because I don't measure up to their ideal man -- namely a guy with money, car, place.
Still, I really hate it that the men you went out with were so cruel. I can be a dick (you may have even noticed) but I can't imagine the lack of empathy it takes to make hurtful remarks to someone who is already taking such a risk.
I won't even think about asking a girl out until I have a little more financial security, so I realize how tough it can be to expose yourself to rejection, humiliation, and worse. And, it's all to find someone we can share ourselves with. A partner.
Well, no one ever said life was easy.
Good luck, and try not to let those louts get you down.
-kevin
Oops, I think I spoke to soon. It appears that you aren't actually dating yet, but merely imagining a life of dating now that you and Steady Eddie are moving closer to ending things.
I read on. You're interesting.
-k
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