I can't handle all that!
So, I'm reading David Zinczenko's piece What Makes a Man Marry? because for years I've been totally confused about just this thing. I have no idea what it is. Yeah, I've been married twice, but each time I know the reasons were different (I think the first time, there was real love...but that's another whiny blog entry...)
However, when I got to the last couple of paragraphs, I almost threw up:
oh, piss off! I wonder if David Zinczenko's willing to be the chameleon for the lady who loves him? Can he be a gentleman in public and a crazy sex machine in the bedroom? Can he wear a suit like an Armani model and a pair of grubby sweats while he's cleaning the car? Is any man willing to be just as much a chameleon for the woman in his life or is it all one way???
Remember, she's marrying him for life just as much as he's marrying her! (fer cryn' out loud!) Marriage ain't a one way bargain where the man's the king of the castle with his changeling servant-wife.
Perhaps David doesn't realize what he's saying--or what he's advocating. He's making marriage a one-way deal, where the woman has to please the man in every way possible, to present herself as the ideal and then he'll deign to marry her...
Well, I kinda did that--I presented the perfect woman for the men I was married to. When I was thinner, I could make myself into the Perfect Woman at the drop of a hat. That's real easy.
The harder thing was being myself. Could I gain weight and would a man still love me? Or want me? If I had a bad day, would he be willing to seduce me, or would I always have to be the one putting on the lingerie and playing the vamp?
Now that I'm older, and much larger, I feel no particular need to be the perfect mate for any man. I still end up with my share of admirers, though, no matter what the poundage. And I think my rather problematic relationships have something to do with a dearth of available men who have the same interests that I have (and who can keep up with me in the bedroom), and a morbid fear of ending imperfect relationships, more than it does with whether or not I'm enough of a chameleon....
Bottom line: trite pop-culture "advice" like David's is nothing more than a program for disaster. Why is it always that the woman has to change--that the guy is always ok? Some men are really less than perfect. They're the ones who need to learn to put on a shirt when going out, to not pick their noses at the dinner table, to not stare at other women or comment about them when they're out on dates, not stomp off in passive-aggressive hissy fits when they don't get their way and not whine when their wives/girlfriends are too tired for sex.
If a woman's "too tired" for sex, can't *you* do something to get her in the mood? or is it always about you, you, you....
sheesh!
The last people women should take advice from are women who believe they can nag men into submission, or guys like David Zinczenko, who are just prattling out the same, tired-old nonsense. Relationships are two way streets. He's not just marrying her for life, she's marrying him, too. And there's no level of perfection for any of us, men or women. We're all human, all imperfect. The thing is, can we learn to live with each other's imperfections long enough to find that true, enduring, life-long love...
With Zinczenko's advice, probably doubtful...we'll in mental institutions suffering from multiple-personality dysfunction trying to attain all that perfection...and enduring a life without forgiveness for our imperfections.
However, when I got to the last couple of paragraphs, I almost threw up:
Not that we want our partners to flip-flop and pretend to be people they're not, but there's something intrinsically exciting about a partner who has the ability to be a sort of chameleon - a little fun and imaginative in bed, yet charming at a family reunion.
It's the all-in-one woman who can equally pull off the roles of wife, mother, boss, friend, neighbor, vixen. That's not asking too much, is it? After all, if a guy is going to commit for a lifetime, he'll want his partner to be able to react to a lifetime's worth of challenges and opportunities, right?
oh, piss off! I wonder if David Zinczenko's willing to be the chameleon for the lady who loves him? Can he be a gentleman in public and a crazy sex machine in the bedroom? Can he wear a suit like an Armani model and a pair of grubby sweats while he's cleaning the car? Is any man willing to be just as much a chameleon for the woman in his life or is it all one way???
Remember, she's marrying him for life just as much as he's marrying her! (fer cryn' out loud!) Marriage ain't a one way bargain where the man's the king of the castle with his changeling servant-wife.
Perhaps David doesn't realize what he's saying--or what he's advocating. He's making marriage a one-way deal, where the woman has to please the man in every way possible, to present herself as the ideal and then he'll deign to marry her...
Well, I kinda did that--I presented the perfect woman for the men I was married to. When I was thinner, I could make myself into the Perfect Woman at the drop of a hat. That's real easy.
The harder thing was being myself. Could I gain weight and would a man still love me? Or want me? If I had a bad day, would he be willing to seduce me, or would I always have to be the one putting on the lingerie and playing the vamp?
Now that I'm older, and much larger, I feel no particular need to be the perfect mate for any man. I still end up with my share of admirers, though, no matter what the poundage. And I think my rather problematic relationships have something to do with a dearth of available men who have the same interests that I have (and who can keep up with me in the bedroom), and a morbid fear of ending imperfect relationships, more than it does with whether or not I'm enough of a chameleon....
Bottom line: trite pop-culture "advice" like David's is nothing more than a program for disaster. Why is it always that the woman has to change--that the guy is always ok? Some men are really less than perfect. They're the ones who need to learn to put on a shirt when going out, to not pick their noses at the dinner table, to not stare at other women or comment about them when they're out on dates, not stomp off in passive-aggressive hissy fits when they don't get their way and not whine when their wives/girlfriends are too tired for sex.
If a woman's "too tired" for sex, can't *you* do something to get her in the mood? or is it always about you, you, you....
sheesh!
The last people women should take advice from are women who believe they can nag men into submission, or guys like David Zinczenko, who are just prattling out the same, tired-old nonsense. Relationships are two way streets. He's not just marrying her for life, she's marrying him, too. And there's no level of perfection for any of us, men or women. We're all human, all imperfect. The thing is, can we learn to live with each other's imperfections long enough to find that true, enduring, life-long love...
With Zinczenko's advice, probably doubtful...we'll in mental institutions suffering from multiple-personality dysfunction trying to attain all that perfection...and enduring a life without forgiveness for our imperfections.
posted by Tish Grier at 1:32 PM
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