The Wedding Gift...

Once upon a time....there was a young man who loved me very much....perhaps in a way I don't think anyone else has since...

He took this picture of me one day when we were in his car. It was his favorite picture of me. So, he took it to a friend of his, who then made it into this portrait--which he gave me as a wedding present.

I am 20 in this picture.

We married a year later, when I was 21.

We divorced when I was 23.

There are a lot of reasons why we divorced: unsupportive families, his problem with marijuana, my own problems related to PTSD and overwhelming fear of being "settled down," bad therapy (the first of many who tried to get me to believe I'm a lesbian--yeah, right), a mother-in-law who hated me and a father-in-law who hated him.

The family sagas in the whole thing are enough to make Falkner wince.

We didn't stand a chance.

I didn't understand love.

Then again, I'd never seen love. How was I supposed to know what love could be? What constitutes a soul mate? What a marriage should be....

I'd only seen what it shouldn't be--two people living separate lives, drowning in their own regrets and choking on their dislike of one another.

What was he like?

Well, he was a very sensitive young man--very sensual as well. Something of a homebody, although he liked to dress very cool. When I met him he was wearing red shoes (hey, it was 1980...we did that kind of thing...) He was an artist, but mostly film and graphics. Blond--and green eyed. People used to say we looked kind of like brother and sister, and I think that used to freak me out quite a bit.

And people (even family) were jealous. People can be that way when they see two young people who have something they never experienced...

But we made each other better people--for a time anyway, before it all started to fall apart....

As most of my relationships seem to do. For one reason or another.....

The last time I saw him was before I was going to get married for the second time. In New Jersey, the ex-wife has to notify the ex-husband, even if there's no alimony or anything. He didn't have to notify me that he'd gotten married again. But things weren't great. I remember him putting his arms around me and saying he wanted to see me again..."Well, you're *still* my wife..." he said.

That was 16 years ago. I wonder if he'd feel that way now...

I carried this portrait around with me where ever I went for well over 20 years. It knocked around half framed for most of the time, then in a bag with a couple of other sketches of me. I thought I'd lost it during my last divorce--but I hadn't.

It was only with the last paycheck that I got from one of my consulting contracts, and a hefty 50% discount on framing, that I was able to finally get it framed.

After 26 years.

I think about that and I'm almost in shock. I could have been married to Michael for 26 years. We could have grown children, a whole different life.

If we'd just had support--and not people who didn't want to see us succeed. And if we both didn't have our issues...

Or if we had people who wanted to help us get over our issues...

I keep thinking about getting in touch with him, wonder how he would feel about seeing me, if he would even care. I wonder if he's had children, what they're like....

And then I think that maybe to do that would be massively stupid. That I should really look on this whole thing as the completion of a cycle in my life, that I have indeed learned what love is, what it feels like, tastes like, how it inhabits who you are and how, when there is true and real love between two people, you make each other better people.

*That* is what it is to have a soul mate--not just fantastic sex all the time, but that you help each other to grow and become who you are meant to be. You enrich each other's lives, not tear each other (or one of the other) down in order to build yourself up.

That's symbiosis--the vampire life.

Michael saw in me who I could be. He wanted me to do better in my life, but couldn't figure out how to reach me. I thought his concern for me was pity.

Well, how else would I see it? I'd never understood love...

But usually when men find out about my family, they feel kind of sad for me. It's not pity though--it's a sadness shared. It motivates a desire to make things better for me somehow.

My boyfriend after Michael also saw potential in me. I couldn't hear him any more than I could hear Michael. At that time in my life, I couldn't hear anybody...

It was very similar to when I graduated college, and couldn't hear anybody who was concerned for me and wanted to help me get out of the deep, dark, emotional hole I was in...

But I've learned a lot since both times. And I've leaned on some people who've helped me get out of where I was...

And now, I look at this picture of me, beautifully matted and framed, and I see who I am. And I think 'well, I may be older, but I'm still Me'

Seeing this portrait has brought Me back to Me. That seems to be happening a lot lately--many things around me are reminding me of that young woman I was in 1981--the movies Diva and Blade Runner, certain music (the Who mostly, and Amy Winehouse, The Clash, and Johnny Lydon...) trips to NYC...

If there's one thing I want for Me though, it's to see if that kind of love is still there for me, or if I've just run out of God's grace on that account. I don't believe that we necessarily have only one soul mate and that's that. I've been told I have many soul mates--and I can honestly say there have been several wonderful men who have helped me grow up, who've been supportive of me, who have done what Michael did--show me who I am, and help me to be a better person.

Sometimes it's hard for me, still, to receive love. I have battles over it. It's not easy. But as much as I might be complete, I'm also not quite complete.

Now, I need to find the right place to hang my portrait. I think I want to be able to see it every day, to remind me of who I am as much as to remember the love that came with that gift. It's so easy for Me to slip away in this place where there's so little for Me to do, where there's not a lot of fun to be had--or at least not the kind of fun that makes me feel alive.

How do I keep Me going right now??? How do I keep Me from slipping into a pit of despair? argh. I don't want to lose Me. and I want to find that soul mate who will love me--because I've grown up, and I've got something to give, something to contribute to a relationship (maybe I had it before, but I didn't know what it was. I know now...) I have love of Me that I never had before--not perfect every day, but most days--because I *know* Me....

and I'm not that bad, really. I've proven Me to Me, who was the hardest person to prove *anything* to.

God, I hope it's not too late....I don't know anyone who's ever had a life like this...I don't know what's possible and what isn't...or is it just fear that limits the possibilities now the same way it did back then.

I just don't know....