Knowing When to Walk Away

The other day, Steady Eddie and I were having a talk about ways we compromised ourselves in the past....and how taking medication to stay in a situation where we've compromised ourselves is not a good thing....

I don't quite recall how we got on the subject--perhaps we were talking about medications or diet or something. and I said "you know, shortly after I got married, I was so miserable. I'll never forget it...."

And I never will. I was standing in the "spare room" of the apartment, and I just felt total dispair. I didn't want to be married. I hadn't liked being single all that much, but I was not taking all that well at all to being married. The shrink I had at the time gave me a booklet of poems written by a friend of hers titled "Between the Beast and the Bad Girl."

I don't remember why she gave that particular booklet to me to read. I don't remember its significance. But I remember a feeling like part of me was dying.

Eating Massive Qantities of sugary foods had started around this time. Soon, so did the medication to stop the eating.

Then, after I was the birthing coach for one of my friends, and saw her son being born, I had something of a breakdown. I remember just crying for days--tears streming down my face and not even sobbing. Just tears. At that time, I had no idea what that was all about....

In retrospect, I've figured it out. I wanted children. That, however, wasn't something I could acknowledge--and it sure wasn't something my then-husband wanted.

Another thing at that time: I didn't trust my gut. My "gut" had been put on hold years ago at home, for lots of reasons I won't get in to. Looking back, though, my "gut" was telling me that things weren't right. Exactly which of the many life-things weren't right, I can't say any more. There were so many of them. But being married was one of them. Can't say if it was the person or the insitution, but it just wasn't right.

My job wasn't right either. In all of it, I wasn't happy. I needed to change, but felt seriously trapped.

The food was a way of trying to stuff my feelings. Elevate the serotonin levels enough so that I was happy all the time. But I was getting to the point where I was wanting to throw up and keep eating. So, the meds came in. They stopped that feeling of wanting to keep eating all that sweet stuff. They didn't change my situation however....

"Well, maybe rather than taking medication to stay in a situation," Steady Eddie said, "Maybe it's a matter of changing the situation..."

So, it wasn't me that needed to be fixed, but the situation I was in that needed to be fixed.

And, he's right. There were lots of things I could have done to change my situation. Left my job for a better job (not for some whifty nonsense.) Left my marriage because I wasn't ready to be married. Figured out for myself, on my own, that I wanted children. And then maybe found the partner who would have made that possible, without also making me feel like my life was over.

So, I'm sitting here now, and I'm not over-eating. Nor have I been on meds--not for a very, very long time. Which has been good--I got my sex drive out of hock, got my thyroid meds straightened out, and I haven't had a problem with eating in a real long time. I'm angry as hell, though. Angry a lot. Angry at people who get in my way for some reason that has nothing to do with me, or treat me in a way I feel is not right or rude. Angry because I didn't make the most of my youth--not going to college early enough and not having a child (or two.) Angry because I feel I'm judged by my age, not by my abilities. Angry because I don't really like writing for money (that's easy to change--don't do it.) Angry and scared and frustrated because I don't know what's next and I feel like nothing's going quite right.

Oddly, I feel Steady Eddie's a right thing--even if he doesn't want children. He's a calming influence. He's there for me, even at 12:30 in the morning. Someone stable is a good and important thing for me. I've walked away from stability before because it frightened me and I wasn't ready for it. But I'm not frightened by stability now, because I don't feel like I have to sacrifice me to get that stability.

Yes, there's probably *some* sacrifices--but I'm not really miserable. Angry, yes. But the anger's visceral. It's not stuffed somewhere inside where I can't talk about it. Facing the anger, finding ways to de-fuse it, or transmute it into something different, even something positive, could be accomplished.

So I think about knowing when to walk away from situations....and I think, too, about knowing when to walk away from being angry. When should I just let it drop, let it go, don't emote it all over the place (and is there a way to drop it without feeling like I'm surrendering or giving up something of me. or at least of telling people when they've made me angry...or disappointed me...or hurt me in some other way...)

When can I walk away from something...and when can I make changes to a situation to make it better. Not fix me as much as fix what's bugging me. Maybe even go out on a limb and tell someone who's done something that hurt me--that what was done actually hurt me. And then letting it go.

It's knowing when to walk away....

Like trusting my gut, it's a skill I'll have to learn.