Who (or What) Kind of Woman Were You Raised to Become?
On the Today show (with a re-designed site that emphasises "mommy" interests and asks for your silly pet photos) this a.m. was a segment on the Sullivan Sisters (not up just yet. here's the call for questions)...four sisters whose parents raised them right and they all became high level executives....
Lucky women. Their parents blueprint was pretty darned good for teaching their girls how to be successful without compromising their personal identities. It was so great to see all four sisters--who have different interests--dressed differently, and all feeling confident and successful.
which got me thinking about how I was raise and who, or what exactly, I was raised to be....
When I think about it, early on I was raise to be Pretty and Charming. I got expensive clothes (when Mom did without) and was priased often for doing cute, extroverted, and charming things. Dad took lots of pics of me because I was so darned cute and he liked that I was a cute daughter he could show off.
After starting school, my parents added Smart into the equation.
So, I was raised to be Pretty, Charming and Smart. No real direction to it though. No plan for what I could grow up to be with those particular talents(mom had her ideas-a nurse or a mathematician--which were both at odds with being Pretty, Charming and Smart. Dad's idea was just to marry me off--but he had no plan for how that was going to happen either.)
So, I jettisoned the Pretty and Charming part of that triumverate (esp. when I found it was making the boys very nervous and the girls very jealous.) I started to care less about Smart, too as the notion of college became more and more remote...
I've struggled with balancing those three traits--Pretty, Charming and Smart--most of my life. If I was too Smart, it scared most guys away, who saw Pretty and Charming as somewhat bimbo-y traits. Mom told me often that I'd never get a husband if I was too Smart. Once I got older, Dad emphatically insisted I'd never find another husband because I wasn't Pretty anymore. (this brought me to tears--and after that I knew "home" was not a place to be.)
Oddly, at the ripe old age of 46, with neither of my overbearing, overweaning parents in my personal space anymore (amazing how overbearing, overweaning people can monopolize one's life), I'm finally beginning to find a balance between Pretty, Charming, and Smart. Finding direction to it's been a bit tough. There aren't too many jobs that advertise for those traits, ya know ;-)
So, I've had to really own the Smart part of things, which I took for granted for awhile--or, more appropriately, felt a bit like I didn't know what to do with. Recently, as I put together a resume, I re-discovered my Princeton Pedigree, and decided that, even though it was some time ago that I worked there, that it was in part this Princeton Pedigree that helped pave the way for Smith College.
And when I worked in Princeton, I learned more about how to be Charming around the CEO set. No woner I don't have a problem around those kinds of guys....
The Pretty part's taken a little while to re-connect with. Challenges there--of age and weight and very little appropriate advice. Doesn't help that I work from home either, where it's so easy to degenerate into a card carrying member of the Pajamahoudin. (my favorite pajamas: blue strawberry print Nick and Noras in Extra Baggy. seriousy charmng, in a pre-I_Love_Lucy bachelorette kinda way. goes with my penchant for reading noir detective novels before going to bed...)
There are little things that I do--Booth's hand scrub to keep my cuticles from peeling, Te Tau body cream that has a strong jasmine/orange blossom scent (but moisturizes like crazy), "age-defying" make up, less eye shadow, layered lipstick, shaving in places I hadn't thought of shaving before (just because it makes me feel special....), inexpensive specialty skin care products to keep the wrinkles from getting deeper. And clothes. Wearing the appropriate size, even when it hurts my vanity. Sparingly employing that ugly "layered" look (because the fabrics for most of that look are of inferior quality and it's rather bag-lady-ish) and buying pieces on sale at upscale stores where stuff just fits better. Staying away from the Professional-matching-wardrober-suit department, which screams "Frumpy!"
It's not easy. There's been many times when I've tried on everything in a store and nothing's fit right. Sometimes it's because the clothes are cut funny. Sometimes it's because my body's cut funny. Sometimes it's because the colors are godawful. Sometimes it's because I went shopping with Don King hair and sensible shoes (never try on nice clothes with bad hair and sensible shoes. you just can't properly see how the stuff's going to look. start out looking good--you'll feel better about yourself and it will result in being more honest about what fits and what doesn't.)
The result of all the effort though is that I'm more self-assured. I can be more Charming because I like the way I look. I feel Smart because I'm wearing things that fit right (nothing worse than, say, buying shoes that don't fit right, and you end up sitting there calling youself "dumb" because of it. call yourself "dumb" enough during the day for one thing, and you'll feel "dumb" in general all day)
It may sound "superificial", but, hey, I was raised with superificals--no goals or strategies. Those latter traits are things I learned as a grown-up, and have been incorporated into who I am, but it's all the other stuff that has a very deep root. And I'm not going to deny those parts of myself--which, in fact, really aren't as superificial as lots of "feminists" have wanted me to believe. It's kind of cool to know I make people feel comfortable, that I can offer interesting conversation on a wide range of topics and interests, to be a woman who's pleasing to look at in a grown-up, womanly way, who isn't trying to imitate a 20-something just to get attention (botox-schmoetox!)....
So I love how the Sullivan sisters had great parents, who instilled in them a way of being in the world that bolstered their strenghts as women. I think they, more than all those vapid celebrities, represent the type of people young women should strive to become. And I know I'm a bit too old to try to set up a plan to emulate the one that helped nurtured them--but I can find my own ways, appreciate them, and go with them. Quit trying to mold myself with shoulds and don'ts and just flow.
Water usually does seek its own level, after all...
Lucky women. Their parents blueprint was pretty darned good for teaching their girls how to be successful without compromising their personal identities. It was so great to see all four sisters--who have different interests--dressed differently, and all feeling confident and successful.
which got me thinking about how I was raise and who, or what exactly, I was raised to be....
When I think about it, early on I was raise to be Pretty and Charming. I got expensive clothes (when Mom did without) and was priased often for doing cute, extroverted, and charming things. Dad took lots of pics of me because I was so darned cute and he liked that I was a cute daughter he could show off.
After starting school, my parents added Smart into the equation.
So, I was raised to be Pretty, Charming and Smart. No real direction to it though. No plan for what I could grow up to be with those particular talents(mom had her ideas-a nurse or a mathematician--which were both at odds with being Pretty, Charming and Smart. Dad's idea was just to marry me off--but he had no plan for how that was going to happen either.)
So, I jettisoned the Pretty and Charming part of that triumverate (esp. when I found it was making the boys very nervous and the girls very jealous.) I started to care less about Smart, too as the notion of college became more and more remote...
I've struggled with balancing those three traits--Pretty, Charming and Smart--most of my life. If I was too Smart, it scared most guys away, who saw Pretty and Charming as somewhat bimbo-y traits. Mom told me often that I'd never get a husband if I was too Smart. Once I got older, Dad emphatically insisted I'd never find another husband because I wasn't Pretty anymore. (this brought me to tears--and after that I knew "home" was not a place to be.)
Oddly, at the ripe old age of 46, with neither of my overbearing, overweaning parents in my personal space anymore (amazing how overbearing, overweaning people can monopolize one's life), I'm finally beginning to find a balance between Pretty, Charming, and Smart. Finding direction to it's been a bit tough. There aren't too many jobs that advertise for those traits, ya know ;-)
So, I've had to really own the Smart part of things, which I took for granted for awhile--or, more appropriately, felt a bit like I didn't know what to do with. Recently, as I put together a resume, I re-discovered my Princeton Pedigree, and decided that, even though it was some time ago that I worked there, that it was in part this Princeton Pedigree that helped pave the way for Smith College.
And when I worked in Princeton, I learned more about how to be Charming around the CEO set. No woner I don't have a problem around those kinds of guys....
The Pretty part's taken a little while to re-connect with. Challenges there--of age and weight and very little appropriate advice. Doesn't help that I work from home either, where it's so easy to degenerate into a card carrying member of the Pajamahoudin. (my favorite pajamas: blue strawberry print Nick and Noras in Extra Baggy. seriousy charmng, in a pre-I_Love_Lucy bachelorette kinda way. goes with my penchant for reading noir detective novels before going to bed...)
There are little things that I do--Booth's hand scrub to keep my cuticles from peeling, Te Tau body cream that has a strong jasmine/orange blossom scent (but moisturizes like crazy), "age-defying" make up, less eye shadow, layered lipstick, shaving in places I hadn't thought of shaving before (just because it makes me feel special....), inexpensive specialty skin care products to keep the wrinkles from getting deeper. And clothes. Wearing the appropriate size, even when it hurts my vanity. Sparingly employing that ugly "layered" look (because the fabrics for most of that look are of inferior quality and it's rather bag-lady-ish) and buying pieces on sale at upscale stores where stuff just fits better. Staying away from the Professional-matching-wardrober-suit department, which screams "Frumpy!"
It's not easy. There's been many times when I've tried on everything in a store and nothing's fit right. Sometimes it's because the clothes are cut funny. Sometimes it's because my body's cut funny. Sometimes it's because the colors are godawful. Sometimes it's because I went shopping with Don King hair and sensible shoes (never try on nice clothes with bad hair and sensible shoes. you just can't properly see how the stuff's going to look. start out looking good--you'll feel better about yourself and it will result in being more honest about what fits and what doesn't.)
The result of all the effort though is that I'm more self-assured. I can be more Charming because I like the way I look. I feel Smart because I'm wearing things that fit right (nothing worse than, say, buying shoes that don't fit right, and you end up sitting there calling youself "dumb" because of it. call yourself "dumb" enough during the day for one thing, and you'll feel "dumb" in general all day)
It may sound "superificial", but, hey, I was raised with superificals--no goals or strategies. Those latter traits are things I learned as a grown-up, and have been incorporated into who I am, but it's all the other stuff that has a very deep root. And I'm not going to deny those parts of myself--which, in fact, really aren't as superificial as lots of "feminists" have wanted me to believe. It's kind of cool to know I make people feel comfortable, that I can offer interesting conversation on a wide range of topics and interests, to be a woman who's pleasing to look at in a grown-up, womanly way, who isn't trying to imitate a 20-something just to get attention (botox-schmoetox!)....
So I love how the Sullivan sisters had great parents, who instilled in them a way of being in the world that bolstered their strenghts as women. I think they, more than all those vapid celebrities, represent the type of people young women should strive to become. And I know I'm a bit too old to try to set up a plan to emulate the one that helped nurtured them--but I can find my own ways, appreciate them, and go with them. Quit trying to mold myself with shoulds and don'ts and just flow.
Water usually does seek its own level, after all...
posted by Tish Grier at 8:23 AM
5 Comments:
Thanks for getting me thinking about this. I realize now that I was raised to be smart, to abhor prettiness as a goal (which left me frumpy and feeling ugly for years), and to strive for mediocrity. Keep your head down and it doesn't get bitten off, so to speak. Being just down from the middle in a family of 7 children certainly teaches you that.
GREAT post. :)
I've never thought about it before. I was definitely raised to with the concept of pretty, charming and smart as well. My parents, while never really telling me that there was nothing I couldn't do -- didn't really encourage me to do anything either. It was entirely up to me. They supported whatever decision I might make, but didn't necessarily go out of their way to help me any.
They focused on the "pretty" thing, and even today my father (though he doesn't mean it negatively) will always insist that people will go out of their way to help me with things. I'm thinking he's meaning it's based upon my appearance. Although I like to think it's more based upon my personality.
Charming - yes, they definitely drilled into me "getting more bees with honey".
Smart - Smart and savvy - not so much book smart was what they focused on. Using my mind creatively, and analytically - more so than hitting the books and going to college. There was never any amount of pressure for me to go to school. There was never any talks about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I'm a driven person by nature, and I think they just figured I'd find my way in life.
I guess they were right.....
Wow! thanks Mim and Rebecca! It's fascinating how much so many of us are just left to our own devices--don't make waves, just be pleasant and you'll eventually figure it out. Amazing how we manage some kind of success with so little. Guess that's testament to our resiliancy :-0
Tish -
I grew up in a family biz where my mom, dad, sister and I all worked. Maybe because of that 'smart' was good. 'Pretty' was also 'good.' So it was pretty and smart .. not sure about the charming thing.
Going back a generation. When I told my mom how much I admired her .. and she played as much a role in the business as my dad .. her response was "I'm not doing anything special. I'm only helping your dad." That's how she was raised.
I was raised in a religious home and taught to serve others, contribute to the world, and be nice. The mantra my mother taught me was "if you don't have anything nice to say, then say nothing at all." Pretty wasn't encouraged, but looking "neat" and and "respectable" was. Fashion was considered vain: "it's not the outward that matters, but the inward beauty" my mom would say.
Smart wasn't necessarily encouraged in my house, since educated, quick-witted people tended to scorn religion.
Out, now, in the "real world", I care a BIT more about fashion. Education matters more to me than a buying a home or having children. And, I'm working to "bring out my inner bitch" and avoid always trying to be the "sugar and spice and everything nice" girl that my mother would want me to be.
I say what I think these days, which gets me into all sorts of delicious, magical trouble. :-)
Nice is boring. Bitchy is much more interesting!
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