There's Something About New York City. . .
I'm in NYC on business--just for an overnite. Would love to stay longer, but still waiting for money to come in on my contracts. So, I'm here on "borrowed" money
When I'm here, though, I like to go to the Village. I spent a lot of time there when I was a kid, and in my 30's....
But things have changed. No, not the Village per se--me, actually. It may be that I spent time around NYU and Washington Square, where all the students hang out.
Had a wonderful dinner at the Minetta St. Tavern...but looking around, I realized I am older. I'm not the Village any more, the way I used to be the Village...
I wonder where the adults have gone...have they all de-camped for the suburbs? or do they just live Uptown...way Uptown? In places I don't know about...neighborhoods I don't frequent and restaurants where dinner for two can end up costing $200...
Then again, maybe it's me. Somewhere, somehow, I forgot to grow up. Or maybe it's that by working online, and from home, that I'm in some kind of state of suspended animation. People often characterize me as youthful and lively. But maybe, like Peter Pan, I haven't really grown up.
Part of that is that I really don't know how. That is, other than maybe buying frumpier clothes at Coldwater Creek or something (yes, I've bought clothes at Coldwater Creek.)
But who is a woman who hasn't grown up. We all know Peter Pan. Does this make me Tink?
Well, at my weight, this Tink is going to need a cabload of fairy dust to be able to fly.;-)
Earlier, I stopped in to see a friend who's a independent documentary filmmaker at his office on 8th ave. It was so strange. I remember when that neighborhood was pretty rough--with porn palaces not far from his offices. And, of course, he remembers too (naturally, being a bit older than me...he'd have an even clearer recollection of the seedy days...) He even referred to that neighborhood in its present state as "Disneyland."
In fact, we got coffee at Starbucks (the baristas, however, were overworked and a bit surly. definitely New York.) So, we are still in Kansas because Oz no longer exists...
So, I wonder...where is the path to Grown-Up Land? How do I get there? Or will I just get old, not understanding that I'm no longer young?
Is the key somewhere here, in NYC? In a place I haven't found yet? A place that's there, but nobody's told me where it is? And how much longer do I have to wait?
Waiting on the platform for the #1 train
When I'm here, though, I like to go to the Village. I spent a lot of time there when I was a kid, and in my 30's....
But things have changed. No, not the Village per se--me, actually. It may be that I spent time around NYU and Washington Square, where all the students hang out.
Had a wonderful dinner at the Minetta St. Tavern...but looking around, I realized I am older. I'm not the Village any more, the way I used to be the Village...
the view up 7th Ave from the corner of Waverly
I wonder where the adults have gone...have they all de-camped for the suburbs? or do they just live Uptown...way Uptown? In places I don't know about...neighborhoods I don't frequent and restaurants where dinner for two can end up costing $200...
Then again, maybe it's me. Somewhere, somehow, I forgot to grow up. Or maybe it's that by working online, and from home, that I'm in some kind of state of suspended animation. People often characterize me as youthful and lively. But maybe, like Peter Pan, I haven't really grown up.
Part of that is that I really don't know how. That is, other than maybe buying frumpier clothes at Coldwater Creek or something (yes, I've bought clothes at Coldwater Creek.)
But who is a woman who hasn't grown up. We all know Peter Pan. Does this make me Tink?
Well, at my weight, this Tink is going to need a cabload of fairy dust to be able to fly.;-)
Earlier, I stopped in to see a friend who's a independent documentary filmmaker at his office on 8th ave. It was so strange. I remember when that neighborhood was pretty rough--with porn palaces not far from his offices. And, of course, he remembers too (naturally, being a bit older than me...he'd have an even clearer recollection of the seedy days...) He even referred to that neighborhood in its present state as "Disneyland."
In fact, we got coffee at Starbucks (the baristas, however, were overworked and a bit surly. definitely New York.) So, we are still in Kansas because Oz no longer exists...
the view from a room in the Red Roof Inn on W32nd St., Koreatown. Lights like stars...
So, I wonder...where is the path to Grown-Up Land? How do I get there? Or will I just get old, not understanding that I'm no longer young?
Is the key somewhere here, in NYC? In a place I haven't found yet? A place that's there, but nobody's told me where it is? And how much longer do I have to wait?
posted by Tish Grier at 9:39 PM
10 Comments:
So good to hear from you, Tish! I feel the same way. I turned 38 this year. I still feel young even though I know I'm smarter than I was when I was 21.
I think each generation has to forge its own meaning for grown-up.
We'll never be like our dowdy mothers, but we're definitely not like the youth of today.
Tish: I think you're overanalyzing this "growing up" thing. It's okay to be older (the other choice isn't so attractive!) and it's okay to "grow up" and have different interests and--god forbid!--wear different clothes (I personally LOVE Coldwater Creek, for what that's worth!).
When I was young, I didn't want someone who's 46 (as I am now) acting 18--that was MY time to be 18, not theirs. And now that I'm 46, when I meet the rare 18 year old who acts my age (e.g., way too serious and grownup to be a teenager), I don't care for that, either. We live, we grow (and sometimes grow up), we move on to new aspects of our lives. All these stages have meaning and value. It doesn't mean you have to "act old" now (I certainly don't think my friends think that way about me), but it's DIFFERENT. I'm not 18 anymore (though I wish I had my 18-year-old thighs!), but that's okay.
And you'll be okay, too!!
Hi L and A...
sorry I haven't commented sooner--kind of up to my eyeballs with Assignment Zero stuff--but also with my head in Robert Putnam's "Bowling Alone." That's yielded some insights into why I feel the way that I do about an inability to *feel* grown up. I'll be writing a post on it in the next couple of days. I don't tihnk I'm the only one who feels this way. I always think of the cases of arrested development riding around Easthampton on their motorcycles. . .
Tish--First of all, glad to hear your new gig is keeping you so busy!
Anyway. I definitely think a lot of this has to do with the definition of "grown up." When I look at middle class people my mom's age and think back on when they were in their mid 40s, they did seem more grown up. They were better at writing thank you notes and baking casseroles and making sure they dressed well on airplanes (sneakers--or better, sandals--and jeans for me, thanks). Maybe it was sort of a Jackie O thing. Maybe the divisions between young and older (not necessarily old, just older) were wider.
Today, I have "grown up responsibilities" (job, kid, and yes, volunteer for the PTA), but I love to play the Wii, care WAY too about what's on my TiVo, and my son's iPod list is nearly identical to mine--and I'm the one turning him onto the Killers, not the other way around. Do I picture my mom doing those things when she was my age? Maybe not--but then again, I've turned her onto the joys of bowling on the Wii at age 73, so who knows? If 73 is the new 46, then what does that make 46? :-)
A....when I look at it, adults of the pre-Boomer generation had a better notion of being adults becaue there were things for adults to do. The society depended on them to get involved in certain things to keep those institutions vibrant and alve.
Now, we don't have adult things to do. People go to Rolling Stones concerts with their teen-agers. But what else do *adults* do that doesn't involve kid-type things? Why are so many adults so interested in doing what kids do--into the attention-getting things that kids do? Why are so many adults interested in keeping alive stuff from their youth?
To me, staying up to date with gadgets and such isn't being a kid inasmuch as it is staying in the loop of what is a big part of our world today--technology. In the past, cool older people weren't out of touch with the important things of their world. They were making things happen in their world. That doesn't seem to be the case now. Nowadays, being kind of "born to be wild" conspicuously non-conformist (which, in its own way, is conformist) is the way to be an adult. But, to me, that's not being an adult. That's just some very dumb way of saying "look! I'm still young!"
IMO, folks do that because there's nothing to aspire to become. Sure, get a great job, make gobs of money..so that you can do the stuff that you wanted to do when you were young but didn't have the money to do....
That's not necessarily being an adult. That's just fulfilling one's dreams. And when those dreams are fulfilled---what's next?
When you hear about a job where I can make "gobs of money," let me know! LOL!
I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree here--if we're even on the same page. When my mom was in her 30s (in the 1960s), she was desperately unhappy being a "homemaker and mom" (despite being the best mom I've ever met), and I think a lot of women were in her boat. If she hadn't read The Feminine Mystique and gone back to school to get her master's in English and start teaching college, she'd probably have gone off to the nice place with the people in white coats 30 years ago. She was following her generation's definition of being grown up, and it made her miserable. (And I'm not even sure that being "grown up" then made men so happy either, but that's a whole textbook's worth of discussion right there.)
I guess I don't see the disconnect between enjoying life (even if it means gadgets or whatever) and being grown up. Even PTA officers (I've been one--is that one of the institutions you were talking about?) have iPods. Or maybe I'm just not following you, as I said above. It's like Laura said, "each generation has to forge its own meaning for grown-up." (I will say that having money to buy stuff does NOT make you a grown up, it just means that typically adults have more money than kids.)
Not trying to cause a feud here, btw. I thought I was trying to help, but now I think I just annoyed you, so I'm stopping now.
oh, I'm not annoyed...not at all! I think that we're kinda talking apples and oranges. I think we see the issue differently mostly because, as Putnam notes, in our generation, kids bring you into adulthood--that there are no other clubs or mechanisms of civic engagement to do that nowadays. Hence, it's either have kids or cling to youth culture--going to bars, looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, or the alternative of sitting at home watching the Red Sox with your 10 cats.
Our Moms were from different generations, but my mom wasn't all that happy either--frankly, she would have been happiest now, in this time, when a woman could have a child and not have to be married. She would have made the best single mother to my sister (and I'd have probably been better off left in the ether...), pursuing a career as an artist or something. She didn't have that option--and I heard her regrets often...
But I'm talking a different issue--
What I don't see are the places to go if one does not have children or if one does not want to hang out with a crowd that's considerably younger. It gets a bit werisome to see people doing *exactly* what you and your friends were doing at the same age, only in different clothes.
And then wondering what happened to everybody your own age...
And it makes me wonder what there is for people like myself, who don't have kids, for whom relationships have been less than perfect. Where do we fit? Isn't there *anything* we can devote ourselves to or make time to do other than activities that support someone else's kids?? Isn't there some way to be in the world where we can be connected to the rest of the society--something to join where we're not surrounded by people old enough to be our parents?
Maybe all the anxiety has to do with simply being non-existent, both in community and pop culture.
And it makes me wonder what there is for people like myself, who don't have kids, for whom relationships have been less than perfect. Where do we fit? Isn't there *anything* we can devote ourselves to or make time to do other than activities that support someone else's kids?? Isn't there some way to be in the world where we can be connected to the rest of the society--something to join where we're not surrounded by people old enough to be our parents?
Given the political season upon us (and at risk of providing "a privileged glimpse of the obvious" as we say in my family), how about volunteering for a campaign? Pre-child, Jim and I worked (in Virginia) on both Clinton's first campaign and our congressman's reelection campaign. Lots of cool people of all ages, all of them working toward a worthwhile goal. Unless you're really apolitical, I recommend it. (Our current volunteer efforts go toward MassEquality, btw, which is always looking for help and also has many cool people.) You are NEVER nonexistent in a volunteer situation, in my experience.
I would say "my two cents" but I've gotten up to about a quarter by now. :-)
Shalom Tish,
I think I made a number of terrible mistakes when I decided it was time to grow up and become a productive member of society. When I realized that and changed my path it was like emerging from a life in a bowl of lime Jell-O.
It's not an age thing, it's a World view, a paradigm of reality.
I truly think that we can all die at 120 before we ever get old.
B'shalom,
Jeff
Hi Jeff....
Strangely, today (5/9) I've had a number of memories and remember when my forward moving into positive adulthood life got stunted and truncated--when I started falling into myself in an effort to be a good girl and do the right thing.
Because I had to conform to the expectations of others.
Actually, now's as AR said--some sort of existentialist crisis. Some of what I feel has to do with being caught between generations, of changing my mind on my life's course too many times, and of not knowing if my choices were my own or because I was fighting against someone or something else. It's hard to explain and no easy answers.
Peace,
T.
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