Another Birthday
So...another birthday has come and gone....
I turned 47 yesterday--and I'm not sure what to make of it.
For men, it's different. They can be 47 and still have the option of children and family.
It's not that easy for women. Bodies change. Things change.
I got a call this afternoon from my dr's office. I had a mammogram done about 2 weeks ago, and they want me to come back in for an ultrasound and some more films.
It's not like I'm worried about it or anything. And, frankly, if I have breast cancer, I really don't care. I'm looking at my life, and I don't see any real reason to keep going. Actually, an early death would be kind of a relief.
Seriously, what do I have to look forward to in my old age? There's nobody there...
For the first time in over 20 years, I have begun to mourn the loss of my first marriage. I was so wrong about that--so very wrong. I see where I gave up what could have been an enduring, loving relationship and family because I was so scared, and because I did not know what love was...
Last night, as Steady Eddy and I were watching something about the brain, the neuroscientists were explaining how the more we are exposed to something, the more connections we form, and the easier it is to recognize that thing. For instance, if a child sees a robin, and someone keeps telling that child that what he sees is a robin, a strong number of brain connections will be made around the concept of "robin."
Well, I tend to think that I never was able to form all those connections around the concept of "love." As my Father loves to often remind me: "I never loved your Mother."
No shit, Dad.
It was pretty bleeding obvious, and, hence, I never knew what "love" was supposed to look like, never kinda got what the concept could be when manifest between two married people. I used to see a lot of hatred and cheating and recriminations and humiliation.
To me, marriage was to live in a state of constant humiliation.
I didn't want that. and I couldn't see it being any different.
I always used to say to various therapists that I didn't understand "love." That the concept of love was like a dead spot, a bad sector, on a disk--just not there. They would always shake their heads in disbelief. How could someone not understand "love?"
Really, and truly, I didn't. I never believed anyone could love me. Ever. Because I never saw "love." Ever.
So I threw away the most profound gift one could ever receive, never really knowing nor understanding what exactly it was that I was forfeiting.
But I understand that Steady Eddy really *does* love me. For the first time I understand that *someone* in this world really loves me....
Unfortunately, there are some fundamental incompatabilities that we may not be able to get past....
With him, I feel like I'm at the end of my life--cruising into retirement without ever having had that middle phase of family life and a real career....
yes, I'm building a career. I'm involved in a number of really fascinating projects that will shape the world of journalism.
But it's like I totally bypassed that middle part--that part where you're supposed to be building that long-term relationship with that life-partner....
It's like we're at the end of life, never having started life....
Part of that is him, his loner ways that don't want any other people around, and don't want to plan for a future.
And I'm not sure I can continue to live with that. I need some planning. I need more than just this day to day and being his companion.
No matter how much he loves me, there must be more to life than the way he wants things to be.
Or at least I want more.
No matter how painful it is, mourning the loss of my first marriage as I get one year older, one year closer to 50 and one year further towards menopause, I think that it's maybe for the best. Maybe I can see what real love is, that I don't have to throw it away--even if it is incompatible for many reasons, maybe I can keep it in some ways, and maybe find more of it somewhere else.
I always thought that one could re-capture what one gives up. After all, isn't 50 supposed to be the new 30??
But I'm not sure that's really the case. Yes, one can go back to school and get the education that one couldn't get as a young person...
But one can't necessarily have the same career prospects nor can one get back the lost years of forming that important life relationship...
And I think about Lucky Bastard and realize that, if he isn't already gone, he has to go. I haven't heard from him in two weeks, which means something's going on in his home, or that he's busy.
But the thing is, he's always a painful reminder of the things I don't have, and probably can't have at this stage of the game.
And I'm just tired of getting reminded. I don't think I need those kinds of reminders any more. No matter how pretty and sparkly he is, I don't want to be the one who's got "less" than he does. Because I sometimes think he likes to compare his life to mine, and likes to believe he has it all and that it's all good...
If that were the case, than he wouldn't be here...
But so what. He'll go back to his illusion and feign happiness. On some level it will be true. And on the level it isn't, I'm sure he can live with...
I go for that ultrasound and additional films in another couple of weeks. I'm going to call the dr's and see if I can move it up to next week, after a business appointment that I have. Someone wants me to do some blog work for him. Whoopee. I'd rather get an idea if there's a problem or not--because I really will have to make some plans one way or the other. I hate the limbo of Steady Eddy, waiting around for him to make up his mind.
He's 57. If he wants to take early retirement and die up on The Mountain, that's up to him. That's fine for him, but it's not what I want.
I don't think he wants what I want. And I don't believe I want what he wants. No matter how much he loves me, living in sterility doesn't feel right.
So, I think about the work I have to get done tomorrow before people I'm working for think I'm not up to it. And I have to change the dr appt. I'll be on the radio on friday talking about new media and networking (what NOT to do) and about life on the Internet.
Like all that will really matter in another 10, 15, 20 years, when we're all steamrolled under a load of hype...
I'm off to bed.
I don't know how I'm going to manage, but, quite frankly, I'm really hoping things are going to be over soon. Life just doesn't seem to be all that interesting any more...
I turned 47 yesterday--and I'm not sure what to make of it.
For men, it's different. They can be 47 and still have the option of children and family.
It's not that easy for women. Bodies change. Things change.
I got a call this afternoon from my dr's office. I had a mammogram done about 2 weeks ago, and they want me to come back in for an ultrasound and some more films.
It's not like I'm worried about it or anything. And, frankly, if I have breast cancer, I really don't care. I'm looking at my life, and I don't see any real reason to keep going. Actually, an early death would be kind of a relief.
Seriously, what do I have to look forward to in my old age? There's nobody there...
For the first time in over 20 years, I have begun to mourn the loss of my first marriage. I was so wrong about that--so very wrong. I see where I gave up what could have been an enduring, loving relationship and family because I was so scared, and because I did not know what love was...
Last night, as Steady Eddy and I were watching something about the brain, the neuroscientists were explaining how the more we are exposed to something, the more connections we form, and the easier it is to recognize that thing. For instance, if a child sees a robin, and someone keeps telling that child that what he sees is a robin, a strong number of brain connections will be made around the concept of "robin."
Well, I tend to think that I never was able to form all those connections around the concept of "love." As my Father loves to often remind me: "I never loved your Mother."
No shit, Dad.
It was pretty bleeding obvious, and, hence, I never knew what "love" was supposed to look like, never kinda got what the concept could be when manifest between two married people. I used to see a lot of hatred and cheating and recriminations and humiliation.
To me, marriage was to live in a state of constant humiliation.
I didn't want that. and I couldn't see it being any different.
I always used to say to various therapists that I didn't understand "love." That the concept of love was like a dead spot, a bad sector, on a disk--just not there. They would always shake their heads in disbelief. How could someone not understand "love?"
Really, and truly, I didn't. I never believed anyone could love me. Ever. Because I never saw "love." Ever.
So I threw away the most profound gift one could ever receive, never really knowing nor understanding what exactly it was that I was forfeiting.
But I understand that Steady Eddy really *does* love me. For the first time I understand that *someone* in this world really loves me....
Unfortunately, there are some fundamental incompatabilities that we may not be able to get past....
With him, I feel like I'm at the end of my life--cruising into retirement without ever having had that middle phase of family life and a real career....
yes, I'm building a career. I'm involved in a number of really fascinating projects that will shape the world of journalism.
But it's like I totally bypassed that middle part--that part where you're supposed to be building that long-term relationship with that life-partner....
It's like we're at the end of life, never having started life....
Part of that is him, his loner ways that don't want any other people around, and don't want to plan for a future.
And I'm not sure I can continue to live with that. I need some planning. I need more than just this day to day and being his companion.
No matter how much he loves me, there must be more to life than the way he wants things to be.
Or at least I want more.
No matter how painful it is, mourning the loss of my first marriage as I get one year older, one year closer to 50 and one year further towards menopause, I think that it's maybe for the best. Maybe I can see what real love is, that I don't have to throw it away--even if it is incompatible for many reasons, maybe I can keep it in some ways, and maybe find more of it somewhere else.
I always thought that one could re-capture what one gives up. After all, isn't 50 supposed to be the new 30??
But I'm not sure that's really the case. Yes, one can go back to school and get the education that one couldn't get as a young person...
But one can't necessarily have the same career prospects nor can one get back the lost years of forming that important life relationship...
And I think about Lucky Bastard and realize that, if he isn't already gone, he has to go. I haven't heard from him in two weeks, which means something's going on in his home, or that he's busy.
But the thing is, he's always a painful reminder of the things I don't have, and probably can't have at this stage of the game.
And I'm just tired of getting reminded. I don't think I need those kinds of reminders any more. No matter how pretty and sparkly he is, I don't want to be the one who's got "less" than he does. Because I sometimes think he likes to compare his life to mine, and likes to believe he has it all and that it's all good...
If that were the case, than he wouldn't be here...
But so what. He'll go back to his illusion and feign happiness. On some level it will be true. And on the level it isn't, I'm sure he can live with...
I go for that ultrasound and additional films in another couple of weeks. I'm going to call the dr's and see if I can move it up to next week, after a business appointment that I have. Someone wants me to do some blog work for him. Whoopee. I'd rather get an idea if there's a problem or not--because I really will have to make some plans one way or the other. I hate the limbo of Steady Eddy, waiting around for him to make up his mind.
He's 57. If he wants to take early retirement and die up on The Mountain, that's up to him. That's fine for him, but it's not what I want.
I don't think he wants what I want. And I don't believe I want what he wants. No matter how much he loves me, living in sterility doesn't feel right.
So, I think about the work I have to get done tomorrow before people I'm working for think I'm not up to it. And I have to change the dr appt. I'll be on the radio on friday talking about new media and networking (what NOT to do) and about life on the Internet.
Like all that will really matter in another 10, 15, 20 years, when we're all steamrolled under a load of hype...
I'm off to bed.
I don't know how I'm going to manage, but, quite frankly, I'm really hoping things are going to be over soon. Life just doesn't seem to be all that interesting any more...
posted by Tish Grier at 11:57 PM
4 Comments:
PLEASE get back in to your doctor and talk to her about your depression. This is serious business, Trish. You don't have to feel this way. Please do something quickly.
Ack, I misspelled your name. Sorry, Tish.
Hi Terry,
and thanks--don't worry about the spelling....
I'm going to get the mammo taken care of--that's enough. I really don't want to be bothered with doctors for anything else right now.
I'll get thru this--I usually do.
Happy bleated birthday, fellow Aquarius. I just turned thirty on the twenty fifth.
But, Tish, you ought to do more to reassure your concerned friend that you're making an effort toward your own well being since she's clearly very concerned. I know, I have no business butting in, but, you know, this IS a blog.
-kevin
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