Beautification Project
I looked in the mirror the other day and realized that, since my mother's illness and death, I've let little things go. I was never a high-maintenance girl, but even general maintenance has dropped off.
I've needed a haircut for a couple of weeks now. And my eyebrows waxed. I haven't had a manicure or pedicure since the fall, and, because of stress, my nails are down to nubs.
And, I gained weight. I'm at my heaviest since college. Part of it's from the 5HTP I was taking to help me deal with my mother's death and my family. Part of it is from the sugar I eat at work to keep my serotonin up and I don't kill a customer. And the other is from sitting in front of the computer for more hours than I'd care to think about, trying to get caught up on the realities of the blogosphere--which I've managed to do, to a certain level of satisfaction.
I will, subsequently, be undertaking a beautification project. I plan to get some sort of treatment every week. This week it's the hair and brows. Next week is the manicure and pedicure. The following will be a "body polish" while I begin to work on getting some of this weight off.
I want to be very, very pretty again. Somewhere I lost it, a long time ago, probably before my last divorce, and all the stuff that's been going on crushed some of the pretty I'd gained back after graduation. So I'm fishing around to get something back. I'm realistic about it--I know it won't be the same. I don't think I'll be able to be super-thin again, and don't know if I care to. I can, though, be fit and well-taken care of without being super-high maintenance like a Porche or high-strung thin like a greyhound.
Botox is completely out. As is any goof-ball diet plan advocated by people who live in hermetically sealed environments like Miami's South Beach.
So, I am realistic about my need to be beautiful. I also understand it without judgment. Basically, I want to be attractive to men. I know that, perhaps, I shouldn't care so much about it, but I do. It's not the measure of my worth or my smarts, but, hey, I like the attention.
And I might as well get as much attention as I can while I can still appreciate it, too. Who knows...there might come a time when I'm too old and too tired to even want the attention. That's when I'll let myself go.
Maybe.
I've needed a haircut for a couple of weeks now. And my eyebrows waxed. I haven't had a manicure or pedicure since the fall, and, because of stress, my nails are down to nubs.
And, I gained weight. I'm at my heaviest since college. Part of it's from the 5HTP I was taking to help me deal with my mother's death and my family. Part of it is from the sugar I eat at work to keep my serotonin up and I don't kill a customer. And the other is from sitting in front of the computer for more hours than I'd care to think about, trying to get caught up on the realities of the blogosphere--which I've managed to do, to a certain level of satisfaction.
I will, subsequently, be undertaking a beautification project. I plan to get some sort of treatment every week. This week it's the hair and brows. Next week is the manicure and pedicure. The following will be a "body polish" while I begin to work on getting some of this weight off.
I want to be very, very pretty again. Somewhere I lost it, a long time ago, probably before my last divorce, and all the stuff that's been going on crushed some of the pretty I'd gained back after graduation. So I'm fishing around to get something back. I'm realistic about it--I know it won't be the same. I don't think I'll be able to be super-thin again, and don't know if I care to. I can, though, be fit and well-taken care of without being super-high maintenance like a Porche or high-strung thin like a greyhound.
Botox is completely out. As is any goof-ball diet plan advocated by people who live in hermetically sealed environments like Miami's South Beach.
So, I am realistic about my need to be beautiful. I also understand it without judgment. Basically, I want to be attractive to men. I know that, perhaps, I shouldn't care so much about it, but I do. It's not the measure of my worth or my smarts, but, hey, I like the attention.
And I might as well get as much attention as I can while I can still appreciate it, too. Who knows...there might come a time when I'm too old and too tired to even want the attention. That's when I'll let myself go.
Maybe.
posted by Tish Grier at 11:42 PM
3 Comments:
Good for you, Tish! You deserve to spend some time on yourself and on the things that make you feel good. You've been through a lot.
I got a big chunk of my drug weight off by avoiding refined flour and sugar, ala the SugarBusters diet. It's easy to follow and not expensive. Best of all, tequila is on the ok list. :)
Good luck! I've got my own body project going on.
I always found treating myself well to be a very difficult task. I'm happy that I've finally conquered my fingernail picking habit. I think I've had onychotillomania since I was about 4. I obsessively picked at my nails until half my nail bed disappeared. I always had bloody, raw fingertips and after an intense session I couldn't touch things for days without being in immense pain. I never got any sympathy since I was doing it to myself. It's funny how hurting yourself can be so incredibly addicting and pleasurable at the time.
There are a couple of other self destructive behaviors I'm working on that are a little more serious. I'm feeling hopeful.
Avoiding refined flour and sugar would be HUGE for me! I use those to balance my flagging serotonin levels during stressful situations (in other words, if I'm upset, just give me a donut) But I think with lower stress levels and time to exercise, I should be able to get some shape in a moderate amount of time.
I used to be a bodybuilder who did heavy cardio, so while my muscles rebound quickly, I have to *really* push myself with cardio to get my metabloism up. It's annoying.
And Ainsely....oh, I've got a tale about self-destructive behaviors in the next blog! It's funny how, as we get older, we can end up trading one self-destructive behavoir for another. Mine come from thrill-seeking. I'm starting therapy again to manage it...not kill it or purge it from me...just manage it. Thrill-seeking isn't all *that* negative when it's controlled.
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