My heart aches for Lucky Bastard. Not that I miss him or that I'm hurt by him, but because I realize something about his life of duplicity that breaks my heart.
I realize that many men who are submissive (although not all) are also running from the reality of their homosexuality. The idea of being gay is abhorrant to them--perhaps it is an admission of defeat, or an admission of being less than A Man.
Perhaps is has to do with wanting a home, family, children, social standing, and the only way in our society for them to get the White Picket Fence is feigning straightness with one particular woman, buiding that perfect life, and continuing to hide their true sexual identities.
They live in neat little prisons of their own making because the thought of being outside that particular prison is far worse than the discomfort of living within its walls.
If a man has the means, he can then pay a woman to bugger him with a strap-on or arrange "forced bi" encounters--safe sex in a sense. She can also punish him in an elaborate form of theater so that he can then safely return to his closeted life. His needs are satiated and his guilt is assuaged.
"He's a well-respected, man about town, doing the best thing so conservatively."
If he doesn't pay, then he seeks out what he needs wherever he can get it, perhaps never forming any kind of attachments, living with self-hatred and in fear. Perhaps he forms some attachemens within a social circle where others have similiar secrets. This, though, is a half-measure and can backfire at any time when someone gets jealous or angry.
It breaks my heart that Lucky Bastard may have known he was gay and may have had to make hard choices about his life that continued to force him to deny his reality. The physical ailments that plagued him for many years kept some of the nagging self-knowledge at bay, but once the ailments ameliorated, and he hit midlife, he could no longer hide.
"You made me what I am, ma'am..."
No, I never made him what he is. I opened the door, pulled back the veil, revealed to him who he has always been but was afraid to see. I made it safe for him to see.
He was happy when I agreed to let him call me whenever he wants.
"no, I won't delete your number from my cellphone. I'll still know it's you."
I hold the secret to his identity--and the power and responsibility that goes with it.
This is why I am sad.
I realize that many men who are submissive (although not all) are also running from the reality of their homosexuality. The idea of being gay is abhorrant to them--perhaps it is an admission of defeat, or an admission of being less than A Man.
Perhaps is has to do with wanting a home, family, children, social standing, and the only way in our society for them to get the White Picket Fence is feigning straightness with one particular woman, buiding that perfect life, and continuing to hide their true sexual identities.
They live in neat little prisons of their own making because the thought of being outside that particular prison is far worse than the discomfort of living within its walls.
If a man has the means, he can then pay a woman to bugger him with a strap-on or arrange "forced bi" encounters--safe sex in a sense. She can also punish him in an elaborate form of theater so that he can then safely return to his closeted life. His needs are satiated and his guilt is assuaged.
"He's a well-respected, man about town, doing the best thing so conservatively."
If he doesn't pay, then he seeks out what he needs wherever he can get it, perhaps never forming any kind of attachments, living with self-hatred and in fear. Perhaps he forms some attachemens within a social circle where others have similiar secrets. This, though, is a half-measure and can backfire at any time when someone gets jealous or angry.
It breaks my heart that Lucky Bastard may have known he was gay and may have had to make hard choices about his life that continued to force him to deny his reality. The physical ailments that plagued him for many years kept some of the nagging self-knowledge at bay, but once the ailments ameliorated, and he hit midlife, he could no longer hide.
"You made me what I am, ma'am..."
No, I never made him what he is. I opened the door, pulled back the veil, revealed to him who he has always been but was afraid to see. I made it safe for him to see.
He was happy when I agreed to let him call me whenever he wants.
"no, I won't delete your number from my cellphone. I'll still know it's you."
I hold the secret to his identity--and the power and responsibility that goes with it.
This is why I am sad.
posted by Tish Grier at 11:15 AM
3 Comments:
I have to wonder though, for these men on the down low, how many of them are actually gay or bisexual in the Kinsey sense, and how many just want to have the ability to explore and find out?
Not that it excuses the lying, but it's a thought.
-Soli
I was talking with a friend of my about the experimenting thing. I think it's one thing to experiment when you're in your 20's...but by the time you get to midlife, the whole idea of "experimenting" is not as much about trying things in as much as it is about confirming for yourself what you already knew. It's not quite the same as whe you're in your 20's because life and your psyche aren't quite the same. Most people have the maturity to understand that, even if it was a fantasy, there's really no need to push that envelope...unless it's truly nagging.
There is a scale, like Kinsey mentioned. But, in Lucky Bastard's case, he seems to be preferring men to women. He seems to be able to justify it by saying that men do not get as attached to one another, that if he's not touching another woman, he's not cheating...it's a strange level of justification. But, then again, he's a guy who the phrase "eatin' ain't cheatin'" doesn't apply, as he does not do that.
There are a few other things about him that, in retrospect, are giveaways that he's not sexually attracted to women, evne if he is visually. But those are private things I won't blog about.
you are so very right...wise and wonderful words.
I've been thinking of encouraging Lucky Bastard to accept himself. He is so in denial of the risks/dangers of what he's doing, and thinks condoms will take care of it. Wrong, very wrong...
I am not sure, though, if he will be receptive to the encouragement. He's very out of control as far as sex is concerned. I've seen it before, but not to this particular degree. Even this he tries to hide both from himself and others around him.
What to do, what to do....
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