Unsafe Sex
I spoke with Katie yesterday. She's been a submissive for about 15 years. But not in the way that submissives are portrayed in the popular modern fictions about the world of sadomasochism. She is not a 24/7 live-in submissive, basking in the glow of a Master who controls her every move on a daily basis. She has a home and family...and the Master is an older man who lives some miles away, whom she serves when she is able. His demands are reasonable, and he is more of a touchstone, a peculiar father figure in her life than that all-controlling Dark Man that so many believe they need to live with.
This is, in many ways, the way many people live out their sadomasochistic needs. Most people are not absorbed in these all day-all the time relationships.
Mentor once explained, "you don't find love in BDSM."
He was right. Often, the relationships (esp. in the straight realm) are not about standard, romantic love. They are about something completely different--about darker needs and darker desires encased in the archetypal, implanted by the taboo aspects of our relationships with our parents. Sometimes the relationship with a Master or a Mistress becomes a way to resolve these taboos and ways to meet these dark forces that plague some of us more than others.
When I discussed Lucky Bastard with Katie, she agreed with Mentor. He is a freight train out of control. And there is no obligation to him.
I fretted about his belief that condoms will protect him from every ill that might be present. We agreed that he's pretty much delusional about that.
"think about it," she said, "bodily fluids often go flying in the types and kinds of sex we engage in. there's semen and vaginal fluids all over the place...." not to mention other fluids and secretions that seem to just happen when things get carried away. "Condoms can protect a nice little couple engaging in standard missionary sex. Not what we engage in. Not all the time anyway. When a condom breaks or falls off and gets pushed up behind the cervix, it's not protecting much of anything."
Wearing latex gloves and keeping an ample suppy of condoms helps, but it is not a guarantee of non-exposure. Most serious Scene people know this. Most serious Scene people have a high respect for their bodies--something the outsiders looking in don't understand. Outsiders see it in videos and internet porn and think it's all fun and games with multiple partners all the time. All just kinky experiences. They do not know the connections between people, the depth of knowledge of another's psyche as much as of another's body.
It's not a perfect subculture, that's for sure. There are poseurs and fakes and alot more psychos than in the "normal" world--lots of women and men with serious psychological issues that need sadomasochistic sex to release chemicals in their brains that they cannot access thru regular means. People who have such shame about sex and their true sexual orientations that humiliation and forced encounters are the only things that relieve the anxiety. People with Asperger's Syndrome who like mummification because it helps them block out all other sensations and be able to concentrate on sexual stimuli. Folks with ADD who are huge painsluts because the pain focuses their attention long enough so that their brains can release serotonin/norepinepherine/or whatever they might need. Masochists who need high levels of pain to release serotonin they cannot access thru heavy exercise. Sadists who cannot control every aspect of their own worlds seek to relieve that anxiety thru control and mastery of another--or seek to teach another, an equal, mastery over her/his body and emotions.
For all of this to work, one has to get to know the players--know them thru their psyches as well as thru their bodies.
Katie and I discusses what I might have meant to Lucky Bastard. He talked alot about sharing me with another--yet balked when the possibility was close to becoming a reality. Maybe it had to do with me being very precious to him, being a private life and experience he truly did not want to share with anyone else.
Then again, maybe it was shame that stopped him. Maybe it was about my not having a prestigious job and living in a ramshackle garret in a poor part of Town. Maybe it was all about appearances, that I am not the ideal young thin Mistress strutting around all day in black vinyl and platform bitch-boots. Maybe it is that I am not the blonde ice princess who flips back her hair and pouts alot and makes men feel ashamed for her inability to orgasm.
Back in February he tried to get me to go to a "busness exchange" at a local businessmen's bar. Gut feeling said not to go, so I didn't. I don't like showing up at bars all by myself.
Katie confirmed for me that this was, more than not, a good decision on my part. He may have been trying to test me--wanting to set me up to fail by sending over a friend to try to pick me up.
He may have been just wanting to see me out socially...but he never said so. He never said anything other than "you might make some good connections there."
The potential "good connection" really isn't much of a reason for me to venture into a businessman's bar all by myself. I'm a thrill-seeker, but massive social discomfort is not a thrill I consciously court.
Katie's weighing of the situation in these terms got me to think that I truly do not know what Lucky Bastard has ever thought or felt about me. That he is, at this time, so willing to risk his health for a thrill, scares me more than anything.
"you know you cannot take him back..." she said, "there is too much that you do not know about where he's been and who he's been with. that's risky."
And if he has lied once about his behavior, he will more than likely lie about it again.
My heart hurts. I may not have been "in love" with him, but I loved him. I may have known that, even under ideal circumstances, I would never want live with a man so immured in the world of appearances....but part of me sort of wishes I could be that way. Wishes I had the genetic makeup that high maintenance could perfect. Wishes I could be that pretty princess rather than the troll queen. Wishes I could live in that Longmeadow world and be comfortably part of it.
But that's a never. The best I can be is the artsy bohemian. And in that I risk trivialization by the Lucky Bastards of the world.
I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could cry. But I can't do that any more than I can let him back into my world. He's just a tourist and I'm not a poor yet enticingly exotic little country.
I am more than just an experience.
This is, in many ways, the way many people live out their sadomasochistic needs. Most people are not absorbed in these all day-all the time relationships.
Mentor once explained, "you don't find love in BDSM."
He was right. Often, the relationships (esp. in the straight realm) are not about standard, romantic love. They are about something completely different--about darker needs and darker desires encased in the archetypal, implanted by the taboo aspects of our relationships with our parents. Sometimes the relationship with a Master or a Mistress becomes a way to resolve these taboos and ways to meet these dark forces that plague some of us more than others.
When I discussed Lucky Bastard with Katie, she agreed with Mentor. He is a freight train out of control. And there is no obligation to him.
I fretted about his belief that condoms will protect him from every ill that might be present. We agreed that he's pretty much delusional about that.
"think about it," she said, "bodily fluids often go flying in the types and kinds of sex we engage in. there's semen and vaginal fluids all over the place...." not to mention other fluids and secretions that seem to just happen when things get carried away. "Condoms can protect a nice little couple engaging in standard missionary sex. Not what we engage in. Not all the time anyway. When a condom breaks or falls off and gets pushed up behind the cervix, it's not protecting much of anything."
Wearing latex gloves and keeping an ample suppy of condoms helps, but it is not a guarantee of non-exposure. Most serious Scene people know this. Most serious Scene people have a high respect for their bodies--something the outsiders looking in don't understand. Outsiders see it in videos and internet porn and think it's all fun and games with multiple partners all the time. All just kinky experiences. They do not know the connections between people, the depth of knowledge of another's psyche as much as of another's body.
It's not a perfect subculture, that's for sure. There are poseurs and fakes and alot more psychos than in the "normal" world--lots of women and men with serious psychological issues that need sadomasochistic sex to release chemicals in their brains that they cannot access thru regular means. People who have such shame about sex and their true sexual orientations that humiliation and forced encounters are the only things that relieve the anxiety. People with Asperger's Syndrome who like mummification because it helps them block out all other sensations and be able to concentrate on sexual stimuli. Folks with ADD who are huge painsluts because the pain focuses their attention long enough so that their brains can release serotonin/norepinepherine/or whatever they might need. Masochists who need high levels of pain to release serotonin they cannot access thru heavy exercise. Sadists who cannot control every aspect of their own worlds seek to relieve that anxiety thru control and mastery of another--or seek to teach another, an equal, mastery over her/his body and emotions.
For all of this to work, one has to get to know the players--know them thru their psyches as well as thru their bodies.
Katie and I discusses what I might have meant to Lucky Bastard. He talked alot about sharing me with another--yet balked when the possibility was close to becoming a reality. Maybe it had to do with me being very precious to him, being a private life and experience he truly did not want to share with anyone else.
Then again, maybe it was shame that stopped him. Maybe it was about my not having a prestigious job and living in a ramshackle garret in a poor part of Town. Maybe it was all about appearances, that I am not the ideal young thin Mistress strutting around all day in black vinyl and platform bitch-boots. Maybe it is that I am not the blonde ice princess who flips back her hair and pouts alot and makes men feel ashamed for her inability to orgasm.
Back in February he tried to get me to go to a "busness exchange" at a local businessmen's bar. Gut feeling said not to go, so I didn't. I don't like showing up at bars all by myself.
Katie confirmed for me that this was, more than not, a good decision on my part. He may have been trying to test me--wanting to set me up to fail by sending over a friend to try to pick me up.
He may have been just wanting to see me out socially...but he never said so. He never said anything other than "you might make some good connections there."
The potential "good connection" really isn't much of a reason for me to venture into a businessman's bar all by myself. I'm a thrill-seeker, but massive social discomfort is not a thrill I consciously court.
Katie's weighing of the situation in these terms got me to think that I truly do not know what Lucky Bastard has ever thought or felt about me. That he is, at this time, so willing to risk his health for a thrill, scares me more than anything.
"you know you cannot take him back..." she said, "there is too much that you do not know about where he's been and who he's been with. that's risky."
And if he has lied once about his behavior, he will more than likely lie about it again.
My heart hurts. I may not have been "in love" with him, but I loved him. I may have known that, even under ideal circumstances, I would never want live with a man so immured in the world of appearances....but part of me sort of wishes I could be that way. Wishes I had the genetic makeup that high maintenance could perfect. Wishes I could be that pretty princess rather than the troll queen. Wishes I could live in that Longmeadow world and be comfortably part of it.
But that's a never. The best I can be is the artsy bohemian. And in that I risk trivialization by the Lucky Bastards of the world.
I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could cry. But I can't do that any more than I can let him back into my world. He's just a tourist and I'm not a poor yet enticingly exotic little country.
I am more than just an experience.
posted by Tish Grier at 9:15 AM
5 Comments:
I know that you are struggling with your feelings and I'm so sorry this is so hard for you.
At the risk of sounding insensitive, I wanted to let you know I appreciate your detailed view of "The Scene". I also appreciate the fact that you have delved into the psyche that drives those specific desires. For someone who's been all vannilla all the way, it's reassuring to hear it described in the "whole" experience, not just getting off.
Cherry....I'm glad I'm able to convey a bit about what that world is about. Far too many people believe it's simply about the getting off when it is really about a very deep kind of intimacy. The getting off factor is *why* there are pro-dommes! Most "tourists" should pay for their adventures and don't deserve to be let any further into that world than thru the performance aspect of it. It is indeed a rich, strange, and wonderful place to be at times, but it is not for everyone.
Ed I think it would be fascinating to delve deeply into the psyches and worlds of people with fetishes--as I believe that most who have fetishes have some sort of strange wiring, such as Asperger's or ADD or autism, or something else, that prevents them from understanding or being able to negotiate standard sexual practices. What's already out there on the subject is still very wink-wink-nudge-nudge and, while it illuminates more than in the past, it still paints a picture that invites derision and curiosity more than acceptance. Most people with fetishes and such will sometimes admit to the fetish but not to other brain-wiring differences. Most aren't even aware that they are different not *just* in the realm of sexuality.
I find it curious that there is good work for professional dominants outside of Microsoftland, as there is in San Francisco, another realm of techgeek types. But with SF, there's also a chicken and egg argument, so, Microsoftland would be a far more interesting place for investigation.
Sadly, the majority of the general populace, and the psychological community don't really want to know much about fetishes or sadomasochism. part of that is because the funding just isn't there to do the research.
I don't think Europe is any better with it though--as some like to believe it is. To understand how fetishes and sadomasochism are understood in Europe is to admit to some seriously reactionary thinking that most Americans would be horrified at. There is great weight put on the "hard wiring" argument in Europe than in the "social conditioning" argument that Americans love to believe in.
Mentor was trained in Germany and, as a Dominant male, is far more sexual and has a greater knowledge of how sadomasochism and sexuality work than most American Dominant males (who, if hetero, are often impotent....go figure). He used to yell at me about understanding the psychological aspects of s/m. He'd be fascinated by all I've learned!
"you don't find love in BDSM."
Not sure about this. I have (online) friends who would certainly dispute it. Perhaps it would be better to say, they find BDSM in love.
Malcolm
Part of the "tourist" problem in BDSM is reflected in so many on-line people who believe they have a clue about the psychological intricacies of the Scene when they are only fashioning what they want from it--and that is NOT what BDSM is about. The BDSM world is a subculture with its rules, mores, and ways that have been there for a very long time, and are there for a reason. New Guard "tinkering" and relativisit thinking often leads to disappointment for the participants..
But I will say that, in most relationships, even vanilla ones, games of dominance and submission are often played. A couple can indeed increase their intimacy by incorporating various aspects of BDSM that encourage intense vulnerability. Yet I would also say that most of the power games people play are not like hardcore bdsm interactions.
What Mentor was talking about has to do with people who set out to use the BDSM scene to find the love of their lives...and that is oftentimes not what a hard-core dominant/submissive relationship is about. The Dominant is often a mommy or daddy figure, not a life-partner. And if the relationship between the dominant and submissive goes to the realm of marriage, it is usually because the two parties are comfortable with this inequality.
I, personally, couldn't live that way. I'm a woman, not a stunted little girl in a woman's body.
I would also like to express the caveat that BDSM relationships in the straight world are far different than bdsm relationships in the straight world. Most straights don't quite get it the way that gays do.
danie
I am finding that, if I do good things for myself, make myself pretty, go out, see the world and that there are other beautiful men out there, I feel a bit better. Beauty reflects beauty, and a smile or stolen glance from a handsome man in a suit does wonders for me!n (and is pretty easy to get)
Ed
Fetishist by your definintion, i.e., someone for whom any other people involved are completely objectified, not just someone who looks at fur coats the same way lots of men look at sexy lingerie
This is pretty much the way the psychological community defines fetishism (I did a cheeky little article on this at Neurotically Talented.)
Needing a "aid," like a fur coat or lingerie, to have interest isn't nec. a fetish because, often, there is a desire to see the person in these types of articles of clothing. Objects can provide a degree of comfort and relieve the anxiety that "loving" sex can have for some.
In long-term relationships, after awhile, I would need to watch a porn film to get going. It wasn't that I was into porn at the expense of my partner, but, rather, that I wanted to see what other people did so that we could try stuff while they were doing it too. My last ex-husband so excoriated me about watching porno that I haven't watched any of it, outside of alone and short clips on the net, in roughly 15 years.
It makes me very sad that what I now understand as an "evolutionary process" in my marriage was totally cremated by his particular sexual dysfunction.
The needing an aid idea is also what separates a foot fetishist from what I would call a foot enthusiast. There's something primal about sucking on a woman's toes and enjoying it (esp. if they're a bit sweaty) as a precursor to wild monkey sex...and another to just jerk off on a woman's feet after "playing" with them. IMHO, the former can be a great deal of fun! (and the latter kind of boring)
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