"Johnny, are you queer?"

There's something I don't understand about men: there seems to be a heck of alot of them who have had sex with other men, yet claim to not be attracted to men.

Maybe it's that I run, and have always ran, in rather curious and wild circles, and that I would be more than likely to come across the bi and bi-curious types.

But most of the ones who admit to the former statement are usually quite conservative. Is it denial of their true sexualities? or something else?

Lucky Bastard stopped by yesterday (okay, give me crap about this, but, frankly, right now with the changes in career, the amorphous identity that comes with all that, the fear of starting out on self-employment, and with my mom dying, I really can't deal with making another change like cutting off a lover right at this point) and a few new revelations came out of his mouth--one being about having had sex with men at various points in his life. And that he didn't consider himself gay because he just isn't attracted to men...

And that "a friend" admitted to him that he probably is gay because he finds himself attracted to men....

Knowing what an opportunist he is, I wonder if Lucky Bastard took a bit of advantage of that particular situation. I'll probably find out eventually.

I asked him, "well, if you're not attracted to men, why have you gone with them?"

"Just to relieve the pressure, I guess," was his answer.

I have a hard time understanding that a man like him couldn't have relieved the pressure with women. I don't know of too many women who would think of hooking up with another woman to "relieve pressure."

Then again, knowing a bit about how he feels about women, he could very well be one of those men that views being with other men as "not cheating."

He made another unique comment about a unique XX-XY combination that also works to relieve that "pressure."

I know what he means. "That's why alot of men go to pro-dommes," I said, after the XX-XY comment and the story about his friend. "alot of men can't face their gayness but want certain kinds of activities that they can, eventually, get from a relationship with a pro-domme."

Being the personal slave to a pro-domme can give a man safe access to activities that he would otherwise pursue in a more dangerous fashion. Being a personal can give a bi or bicurious or extremely closeted gay man the opportunity to act out on his desires. It's a psychologically complex interaction that most people wouldn't be able to understand with knowledge gleaned from textbooks.

You've got to be in or around The Scene to know it.

Makes me wonder, too, what Lucky Bastard is trying to say or to tell me. He tends to be like a little boy attempting to admit he broke mom's special vase. I never really know if he's talking in hypotheticals, or fictionals, or in reality. He could, for all I know, be Mr. Perfect Family Man...with no secrets other than those in his head. There could indeed be no "friend," and that story, like the story of a kid with an invisible playmate, could be a way for him to admit to somebody that he is actually attracted to men.

I know my friends want to scream at me how I'm playing with fire, playing on the railroad tracks, could end up hurt or ill or something. Maybe I keep going towards his little flame because I'm bored out here in what feels to me like the middle of nowhere...

or maybe I'm just curious about men's psychology, and he, of all people, gives me something to think about.

And I wonder more about the "personal slave"...I wonder about whether or not I'm right in my assumption that it is closeted gayness in men that makes them seek out women who will perform strap-on play and arrange scenarios where they can be with other men. Or if it is indeed something else...

Are Lucky Bastard's dalliances with other men expressions of control and power over other men...or do these interactions provide a certain kind of psychological "juice" that he doesn't get from interactions with women?

Power, control, sexual activity, sexual preference, all seem to be bound up in this great big ball of confusion. Added to that is the basic wiring differences between men and women...and that the answer we might find for one gender isn't necessarily applicable to another. Even recent research shows that men have more of a biological response to sexual stimuli--and for a long time, there has been research that has said that women have a stronger emotional/mental component to sexual attraction.

And I wonder, too, about my need to sometimes be a boy...with boys....why that need to be a boy doesn't ever get acted on with girls, even though I've tried, in my younger days and in my later days, to be with girls. In some sense, maybe, I get what Lucky Bastard is talking about--being with girls was a kick, at the time, nothing more. There wasn't any attraction--certainly not the same kind of attraction. But at least I've known that there is no attraction, and because there is no attraction, decided to keep girls on the "just friends" side of the fence.

But I also wonder about Lucky Bastard's claim to not be attracted to men. And why men keep popping up in his revelatons.

I cautioned again, obliquely, about the disease dangers of being on the down-low.

He understood, and would pass the information on to his (imaginary) friend.

And then said he couldn't "do this" with me for awhile. Nothing personal...just that he had alot to do....until the pressure rises again, and he comes searching for my safe place...

tags: Sex, Daily Life,Musings