Dust and Moving

We started packing up my stuff this evening--I've been avoiding it as much as possible. It's not that I don't want to move. It's just that I hate the idea of packing.

Looking over all my stuff, I see where I've had so many different lives. I have things I don't even want anymore. They seem so irrelevant to my life now, but there's some kind of sentiment that makes me keep them around.

I got rid of my Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany's hat. No big deal. But I don't know what to do with the wigs. I love them, but we don't live in a world where they're acceptable except for playing dress-up.

And I haven't played dress-up in quite a while.

The other problem is dust. I have to learn to take care of the encroachment of dust. It's not something I ever did as a kid. Mom took a lot of pride in housework, and took care of all that stuff.

But there's got to be a method of doing it--or I just make a schedule for myself and do it every once a week or something.

I never planned on ever really doing any dusting. Then again, I never planned for adulthood.

and then I realize there's lots of things in my life that I never planned for--success is one thing. Working on my own is another. I thought it out, just not all that far, really. Ideally, I'd prefer to be working *for* someone, but that's not really panning out quite yet.

It might never pan out. I may end up on my own for awhile. I'm not clairvoyant, so I don't know what the future holds.

When I came home from speaking yesterday, I felt very good. Today, I realized what I didn't say, and feel kind of bad about that. It's not the worst thing--rookie mistake, surely. I don't think I was my own best advocate.

The thing now is to just not beat myself up over it--which is my usual M.O. Beat myself up for days and days and crawl under my desk and never come out...(I think everybody feels this way at some time or another. yeah, I know you can relate.)

I hated to come home after the engagement yesterday though. The apartment that once felt like a safe little hidey-hole is now like an oppressive cave. The eves hanging over me make me feel like I'm being crushed--all my energy being squashed.

After speaking, I felt like I'd turned a corner with what I want to do and where I want to be. I never felt so good as I did yesterday--speaking about blogging and how blogs are the starting points of conversations, not content management systems--I know this world so well. I felt like I was doing something good. There were 100 people there, and I just sucked up all that energy and was high as anything.

But coming back to this old apartment, I feel squashed, like my energy is being held back.

I don't feel that way in the new apartment, where my office is a deep rose pink. I mean really deep. It just feels good though. The feng shui books say pink is a spiritual color--demonstrates integration.

So much dust though. I feel like I need a shower and I know I need a benadryl or two.

Tomorrow we start packing the desk. That's going to be tough.

I don't want to go, but I can't wait to go. There's a push-pull, a feeling of going on to a new life, but dragging bits of the old with me. That happened because there's no yard for a yard sale, and so much of it really belongs on eBay.

There's nothing harder than getting rid of bits of an old life. In childhood, I threw stuff out with no remorse. Now, in adulthood, it's not that easy. There's all that sentiment, and that "maybe I'll make something with that" or "maybe I'll use that some day" or "oh, I remember who gave that to me."

I ave to draw the line somewhere though. Can't take all the crap and old shoes and old candleholders(yeah, I threw out some shoes. Will throw out some more too, when I go through them. and how I got so many candleholders, I'll never know.)

It's getting late, and I have one more day to pack up pretty much everything else. then a few hours on saturday. I'm bugging about the movers--afraid they won't show up. And I hear it's going to rain on Saturday. Great.

But time's really up. Can't hang around any longer. Time to move on to a new life, even if I have to take the detritis of the old with me, for awhile longer...