Freed of the Burden of Reproduction and Becoming Myself
Something's going on with my body: I've had mid-cycle spotting the past two months, and was supposed to get my period either today or tomorrow. But just got some spotting....
So, I'm figuring that I'm either in menopause, or at least starting it.
And the idea really does not disturb me. not in the least. it may even have to do something with my very good mood these days.
For some of us, the whole reproduction thing just gets in the way of other things we want to do with our lives. I don't know for sure if it was nurture--the awful things I saw in my home, how my mother was degraded by my father--that turned me off of the idea of having children, or if it was something else in me, in my personality, that wanted to pursue fun and creativity and a life of art and adventure.
Hormones always caused me a great deal of trouble. They caused me to make really bad decisions when it came to boyfriends and husbands. I never really learned how to control them. When they got real intense, there was always this horrid pain that couldn't be satisfied without a seriously vigorous session in the bedroom. But doing that sort of thing always will get a woman a "reputation" regardless of what women want to believe. And it's not always because of the guys--often it's other women who feel a need to denigrate other women.
After all, those Reproductive Years are about getting with the Alpha Male. And if there's one thing the Alpha Male doesn't have to do is fight for women. Women do the fighting for him. The fighting may not be physical--it's all emotional and with words, innuendos. If women can cast aspersions on another who has the eye of the Alpha Male, they can position their friend--the girl who's the Alpha of their group--in the position to get the Alpha Male. And then they will get better Beta males.
It's so weird. And one cannot see what's going on when one's in the thick of it. Parents can't explain it, because most don't get it, or don't remember their own Reproductive Years enough to give advice on how to handle this kind of situation. The advice to young women is always just to keep it zipped, channel those sexual energies somewhere else, and try to fit into the "pecking order."
Fuck the pecking order.
That's something else that's so much better later in life--friendships with other women. That fierce competition for Alpha Males goes away pretty much after everyone is either paired up or slowed down. I know I'm more patient about it. Don't feel this fierce need for a man, but don't mind having really hard, good sex as much as I can (which, is, of course, in real life, never at the frequency that any of us really wants. Life just doesn't work that way.)
So, if I' have indeed entered menopause, I actually feel pretty good about it. I've always just wanted to freedom to live my own life, to not have to hear other people whine at me how they wanted grandchildren. I never wanted to have to worry about jobs or day care or whether or not I was raising my kid properly.
I look around my apartment and I see a small library. I am surrounded by art and music and wonderful stories and knowledge. Knowledge, and the abilities to create and to reason, were always most important to me. Moreso than family. I don't knwo why this is--could be the dysfunction, could be me. Doesn't really matter when you're A Certain Age, because getting the reproduction thing right is no longer an issue. It's taken care of by Mother Nature.
And, surprisingly, I feel more feminine than I did before. I was always somewhat ambiguous sexually--often got taken for a lesbian even though I'm not--and spent some time cross-dressing because it was always great fun. But now, there's a strong feeling of being Woman. Not a drudge or used up at all. But full of life, full of strength, full of a strong sense of femininity and an embracing of hearth and home on my own terms.
I guess in some way I really understand Martha Stewart now. How odd. She was the last person I ever figured I'd be able to understand.
I see no incongruities between being able to crochet a beautiful doily, host an Easter Dinner party, and then be able to make decisions about business. It's all very congruent.
And if anybody feels otherwise, they are simply released from my life. Don't need their projections or negativity.
Perhaps women who have it worse in menopause are those whose identities are closely tied to their ability to reproduce. I feel kind of sorry for them. They've been blinded by their hormones and by pop culture's reverence of reproduction. It's sad because we as women don't need to be stuck in reproductive mode anymore. This isn't the 20th century, when, for the most part, women didn't have the chances or opportunities to be themselves they way we do today. All I see are a bunch of women who are going to be bitching and moaning about being "empty nesters" when their kids *and* hormones leave (they seem to do so simultaneously.)
Can't worry about that, really, even though I'll have to tolerate reading about it the same way I have to bear with hearing about "mommyblogs."
We are so much more than our abilities to reproduce. but I think we can only be happy with that fact, and accepting of who we really are, when our hormones begin to slow down. Maybe that's easier for me because I don't have layers of conforming to others expectations on me. I didn't make mistakes because I was doing what others felt was best and right for me. I've always done my own thing--much to the consternation of others. But maybe that's what's making what's going on now, both biologically and emotionally, far easier to deal with.
I've always been just me. and I'm still me--only better.
So, I'm figuring that I'm either in menopause, or at least starting it.
And the idea really does not disturb me. not in the least. it may even have to do something with my very good mood these days.
For some of us, the whole reproduction thing just gets in the way of other things we want to do with our lives. I don't know for sure if it was nurture--the awful things I saw in my home, how my mother was degraded by my father--that turned me off of the idea of having children, or if it was something else in me, in my personality, that wanted to pursue fun and creativity and a life of art and adventure.
Hormones always caused me a great deal of trouble. They caused me to make really bad decisions when it came to boyfriends and husbands. I never really learned how to control them. When they got real intense, there was always this horrid pain that couldn't be satisfied without a seriously vigorous session in the bedroom. But doing that sort of thing always will get a woman a "reputation" regardless of what women want to believe. And it's not always because of the guys--often it's other women who feel a need to denigrate other women.
After all, those Reproductive Years are about getting with the Alpha Male. And if there's one thing the Alpha Male doesn't have to do is fight for women. Women do the fighting for him. The fighting may not be physical--it's all emotional and with words, innuendos. If women can cast aspersions on another who has the eye of the Alpha Male, they can position their friend--the girl who's the Alpha of their group--in the position to get the Alpha Male. And then they will get better Beta males.
It's so weird. And one cannot see what's going on when one's in the thick of it. Parents can't explain it, because most don't get it, or don't remember their own Reproductive Years enough to give advice on how to handle this kind of situation. The advice to young women is always just to keep it zipped, channel those sexual energies somewhere else, and try to fit into the "pecking order."
Fuck the pecking order.
That's something else that's so much better later in life--friendships with other women. That fierce competition for Alpha Males goes away pretty much after everyone is either paired up or slowed down. I know I'm more patient about it. Don't feel this fierce need for a man, but don't mind having really hard, good sex as much as I can (which, is, of course, in real life, never at the frequency that any of us really wants. Life just doesn't work that way.)
So, if I' have indeed entered menopause, I actually feel pretty good about it. I've always just wanted to freedom to live my own life, to not have to hear other people whine at me how they wanted grandchildren. I never wanted to have to worry about jobs or day care or whether or not I was raising my kid properly.
I look around my apartment and I see a small library. I am surrounded by art and music and wonderful stories and knowledge. Knowledge, and the abilities to create and to reason, were always most important to me. Moreso than family. I don't knwo why this is--could be the dysfunction, could be me. Doesn't really matter when you're A Certain Age, because getting the reproduction thing right is no longer an issue. It's taken care of by Mother Nature.
And, surprisingly, I feel more feminine than I did before. I was always somewhat ambiguous sexually--often got taken for a lesbian even though I'm not--and spent some time cross-dressing because it was always great fun. But now, there's a strong feeling of being Woman. Not a drudge or used up at all. But full of life, full of strength, full of a strong sense of femininity and an embracing of hearth and home on my own terms.
I guess in some way I really understand Martha Stewart now. How odd. She was the last person I ever figured I'd be able to understand.
I see no incongruities between being able to crochet a beautiful doily, host an Easter Dinner party, and then be able to make decisions about business. It's all very congruent.
And if anybody feels otherwise, they are simply released from my life. Don't need their projections or negativity.
Perhaps women who have it worse in menopause are those whose identities are closely tied to their ability to reproduce. I feel kind of sorry for them. They've been blinded by their hormones and by pop culture's reverence of reproduction. It's sad because we as women don't need to be stuck in reproductive mode anymore. This isn't the 20th century, when, for the most part, women didn't have the chances or opportunities to be themselves they way we do today. All I see are a bunch of women who are going to be bitching and moaning about being "empty nesters" when their kids *and* hormones leave (they seem to do so simultaneously.)
Can't worry about that, really, even though I'll have to tolerate reading about it the same way I have to bear with hearing about "mommyblogs."
We are so much more than our abilities to reproduce. but I think we can only be happy with that fact, and accepting of who we really are, when our hormones begin to slow down. Maybe that's easier for me because I don't have layers of conforming to others expectations on me. I didn't make mistakes because I was doing what others felt was best and right for me. I've always done my own thing--much to the consternation of others. But maybe that's what's making what's going on now, both biologically and emotionally, far easier to deal with.
I've always been just me. and I'm still me--only better.
posted by Tish Grier at 9:54 AM
2 Comments:
You know, you're generalizing, here.
Not everyone entered reproduction from an inability to figure out our choices. Believe me, I had to piss off a LOT of relatively nice people in order to reproduce, and I did it, and I happen to be really great at it. Reproduction, however undervalued it is in patriarchal settings, isn't necessarily a 'left-over' activity to engage in.
Just as part of my educational agenda, donchaknow. :D
IMO, right now, and among a whole lot of women, reproducing is the #1 activity that makes their life worthwhile. They appear to me to have given up the idea that they can choose NOT to have children. It's *hardly* undervalued these days--esp. when you look at the numbers of programs on TLC that glamorize prodigious reproduction....
My perspective is from someone who found the whole decision-making process to be very burdensome. I don't need a lecture. If you don't like my perspective, you're free to move on. But I hope I can bring voice to the numbers of women like me who've chosen, and for good reason, NOT to have children. We have, currently, no voice in media or in the world on the Internet. Think about it.
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