Third Time's the Charm

I've been thinking a lot lately about that saying, and beginning to understand it in the context of getting over one's old bad patters of picking a mate....

They say (and we all know who "they" are) that we marry either our mothers or our fathers, depending on who has most influence our upbringing. Girls usually marry their fathers, while guys usually marry their mothers....

Then again, sometimes, when one or the other parent was pretty awful, we marry the awful parent who's love was unattainable. That, always, leads to divorce (unless we're willing to be doormats and take a load of abuse.)

What I remember of my first husband was that he was nothing like my father. I was a bit like his mother, mostly in looks (maybe that's why she didn't like me.) It was so long ago that I don't remember if he was like my mother or not....

But I clearly remember my second husband, and boy! was he like my father! I see that more now that my father is no longer protected by my mother, and the real father is showing. It's not a pretty sight. My father was always Mr. Charm. And behind that charm was something really scary. My second husband was a lot like that.....maybe not with the same problems as my father, but close.

I've since learned that when I meet a man, and I hear bells, or am immediately attracted, it's something about him that's reminding me of my father. Which is NOT a good thing. NOT at all.

Steady Eddie's an awful lot like my mother--the good side of my mother, the side I didn't really understand. I think understanding him and his ways has made me appreciate things about my mother that I didn't before.

That, and understanding how much she covered up for my father's scariness. It was actually better that he went out on Fridays to the porn movies than stay around the house. I couldn't understand that until I could finally see who he really is...

Scary...

but I've been taking stock lately, again....and understanding something: that if your parental paradigms for choosing a mate have to be done away with, and you have to replace those paradigms with something, maybe the paradigm to replace them with is yourself.

Is that narcissistic? I don't think so. I'm looking at the good things about myself--that deep down I'm kind and caring of others, that I'm physical and extroverted, that I have a love for a certain kind of music and certain kinds of movies, and I am quite silly....

Although I'd prefer to be with someone who isn't as neurotic as I am, who maybe has his act together a bit more....

Another thing I remembered about my first husband: I wasn't super attracted to him right away, and we had things in common. I thought he was cute, but I wasn't like "omg! I have to have him!" That wasn't there at all. I just liked him, and thought he was cute, and he seemed rather nice, not sleazy (I'd met a lot of sleazy from hanging out in discos. yuck!) It was all the things we shared that made me fall in love with him.

So, I keep thinking of that paradigm of first love that I didn't fully understand. Now, I understand it. There are things I can't compromise on any more--like the whole movie and music thing. And I know what to look--or is it hear?--for. If there's bells, it's a warning to get out.

Because I know the signs, and have been changing the paradigm, maybe the third time will be the charm after all.