His Soft, White Underbelly....

Lucky Bastard confessed to me today that he picked up a guy, a Physical Therapist, at the Porn-o-Mart, the same place where we met, and has had a couple of dalliances with him.

I knew Lucky Bastard had a bisexual streak. He's had dalliances with the Professor, a social circle friend, but not too regularly.

And he's told the Professor all about me. The Professor thinks he's a lucky guy to have a great looking wife and another woman who dominates him. But then Lucky Bastard retracts what he says, tells the Professor I really don't exist.

Or so he says.

I was a bit incredulous about this admission regarding a new little playmate. Didn't show any anger or disappointment. Or anything. I did, though, tell him outright that he's bisexual (heck, he may be gay, for all I know right now). And to be careful with other men who are on the down-low like him.

"What's the down-low?"

"That's when a man's fooling around with another man but denying that he likes men...."

That's the simple way of putting it.

So, here's the scenario: there are now three men, who are all married, who are doing one another....and I seem to be stuck somewhere in the middle.

I'm really not quite sure what my role is anymore here, as Lucky Bastard seems to like the fact that the other men are also attached and also hiding their homosexuality from their wives...

Then again, maybe I'm taking the role of Mother Confessor--the one he comes to in order to "come clean" about his dalliance with men. Some men need that. It's like having a mommy again.

Lucky Bastard's mommy was pretty controlling. I don't think he's been the same since she died.

Lucky Bastard arranged a date for he, the Professor, and the Physical Therapist. The PT is apparently infatuated with Lucky Bastard, and pretty much ignored the Professor. Which made the Professor upset and hurt.

Lucky Bastard would like to arrange a play date with me, himself, and the Professor...so the Professor can experience some new things and have his self-esteem boosted.

And what is this supposed to do for *my* self-esteem--to do something with a guy I've never met, who I might not even like?

This all, strangely, takes me back to the first Dominant I got myself involved with when I was 25, and all the comings and goings and the different people...and his fantasies acted out...threesomes and foursomes...and me the Alpha Female with the Alpha Male.

That was before he tried to strangle me. And, more importantly, before AIDS.

I warned Lucky Bastard about AIDS when I was talking to him about being on the down-low. Denial of one's homosexuality leads to denial that one could get very, very sick.

I'm not sure that Lucky Bastard's considered that I know enough about him to ruin him....with just one phone call....

Well before AIDS would kill him.

Now, I could conceivably just break the whole thing with Lucky Bastard completely off....never see him again. Take the straight-girl advice and get as far away from him as I could.

There is, however, another way to deal with this situation. A way that might be a great learning experience for both myself and he.

So, I wrote an email to Master H., a long-time leatherman, who's been a mentor to me at times. He's the only one I know who would be able to help me unravel what's truly going on in this situation. He knows men--specifically gay men--and how to deal with ones who are so deeply into their denial of it that their choking on it.

Lucky Bastard's not just choking on it....he's being driven by it. And while I know I probably cannot completely control him, I can direct him.

But do I want to? Is it worth it?

I do know that his admission has changed my feelings for him. He has proven himself to be quite the whore. And, slowly, he is becoming of no use to me.

It's sad to look inside one's heart and to know one's feelings have changed. To know that he cannot be trusted to keep my health, as much as his own, safe. He thinks that the PT is safe because he's health conscious. That doesn't mean anything to a guy on the down-low. Lucky Bastard thinks the Professor's safe. But he realized the Professor's proclivities when the Professor followed him into a peep-show and sucked his cock. Supposedly with a condom...but when it comes to guys giving hummers in peep-shows, who are also on the down-low, trying to play the game of Mr. Conservative and Mr. Respectable, respectively, can I believe any admission of safe, sane and consensual?

I hope I hear from Master H. I really don't want to wing it on this one.