(Identity) Crisis
I woke up slowly yesterday morning and watched how this thought popped into my head:
So I thought for awhile about where I'd been and what I've done all this time. It's not easy to quantify, really. Hard, too, to think of where to put certain aspects of my life.
How does one say, in a positive way:
The odd thing, though, is that to some people it's don't-give-that-person-a-job flakey, while to others it's creatively flakey.
I have a tough time evaluating what is serioulsy flakey vs. what is creatively flakey. I'm not even sure if "flakey" is the right term, or if I'm being too hard on myself. Like alot of people, I've had to live a double life-- keep a Real Job while indulging my Creative Pursuits. I always thought that, eventually, I'd Settle Down and give up all the Creative Pursuits.
Thing is, the Creative Pursuits never stopped. They did, as you can see from the flow of the paragraph above, get even more creative. I never outgrew any of them because they were never Just A Phase. All the Phases, if I lay them out, end to end, build on one another. With each and every phase I learned something--about the people who were part of the subcultures connected with the phase, as much as how that phase was part of me.
But I haven't made any money from all those Phases...because I figured each one was a hobby in the moment and eventually would be abandoned.
That didn't turn out to be the case.
Unfortunately, too, I never figured out what sort of Practical Career I could do. I was never comfortable in my skin as a financial person in a non-profit--part of what lead to the chronic fatigue. It was an interesting job only because of the theologians I met. The work itself was dull as dust.
Later, when I graduated from community college, with all my honors and such, and wanted to segue into an administrative assistant position, the career counsellors told me it was impossible. I had no relavent computer experience, so I wasn't qualified for that sort of Practical Career--even though I'd gone to Secretarial School several years before and earned my certificate in Secretarial Practicality.
Seems like I could never do Practical correctly. Creative, however, I did with great success!
So, at this point, I'm stuck with something of a split personality. Inside, the Creative Person and the Practical Person constantly duke it out. It's tiring. Not only that, it's left me in a Neither Fish nor Fowl situation. I'm not quite sure how to describe myself to people, how to define myself, nor what sort of job I should, or could, try to shoehorn myself into. The Practical Person keeps thinking of taking some sort of Master's Degree program that's more vocational-oriented, while the Creative Person wants to keep creating, exploring, learning strange things for the sheer joy of attaining knowledge.
I have the soul of a rich person and pocketbook of welfare client, which doesn't help the internal struggle. I worry about being in the proverbial cardboard box when I'm 70 if I don't get my act together yesterday.
I figure that what I should do is put it all out there, all the experience, in two columns, labled Practical and Creative, and try to figure out from there what I should be doing and where I can go to from here. I want to take those colulmns, rip the various lines apart, and paste them on to one single page so I can see the entirety of Me integrated in one place. I want to see it concretly so I can figure out what sort of vocation might suit me. I realize, unfortunately, that I may need more letters after my name, M.A. or Ph.D., for any of that life-experience stuff to make sense to an employer.
After all, the 11 year lag in full-time work is just flakey--even if the time was spent, quite practically, gaining something called Knowledge.
"I haven't worked a full-time job in 11 years. Wow. That's a long time."It's a bit troubling, to say the least.
So I thought for awhile about where I'd been and what I've done all this time. It's not easy to quantify, really. Hard, too, to think of where to put certain aspects of my life.
How does one say, in a positive way:
Well, I left a particularly good job in non-profit finance, where I was also learning ad hock a great deal about Christian theological thought, to pursue a career as a massage therapist/transpersonal healer/tarot card reader. That career was truncated when came down with chronic fatigue syndrome...but I ended up going back to community college, where I tutored, edited a literary magazine and graduated not only at the top of my class but with several awards...oh, and then I went on to a super-important college, formally studied theology, and graduated with highest honors and an honors thesis...but I also was a goth dj and performer...while working in retail management...Makes me look kind of flakey, doesn't it?
The odd thing, though, is that to some people it's don't-give-that-person-a-job flakey, while to others it's creatively flakey.
I have a tough time evaluating what is serioulsy flakey vs. what is creatively flakey. I'm not even sure if "flakey" is the right term, or if I'm being too hard on myself. Like alot of people, I've had to live a double life-- keep a Real Job while indulging my Creative Pursuits. I always thought that, eventually, I'd Settle Down and give up all the Creative Pursuits.
Thing is, the Creative Pursuits never stopped. They did, as you can see from the flow of the paragraph above, get even more creative. I never outgrew any of them because they were never Just A Phase. All the Phases, if I lay them out, end to end, build on one another. With each and every phase I learned something--about the people who were part of the subcultures connected with the phase, as much as how that phase was part of me.
But I haven't made any money from all those Phases...because I figured each one was a hobby in the moment and eventually would be abandoned.
That didn't turn out to be the case.
Unfortunately, too, I never figured out what sort of Practical Career I could do. I was never comfortable in my skin as a financial person in a non-profit--part of what lead to the chronic fatigue. It was an interesting job only because of the theologians I met. The work itself was dull as dust.
Later, when I graduated from community college, with all my honors and such, and wanted to segue into an administrative assistant position, the career counsellors told me it was impossible. I had no relavent computer experience, so I wasn't qualified for that sort of Practical Career--even though I'd gone to Secretarial School several years before and earned my certificate in Secretarial Practicality.
Seems like I could never do Practical correctly. Creative, however, I did with great success!
So, at this point, I'm stuck with something of a split personality. Inside, the Creative Person and the Practical Person constantly duke it out. It's tiring. Not only that, it's left me in a Neither Fish nor Fowl situation. I'm not quite sure how to describe myself to people, how to define myself, nor what sort of job I should, or could, try to shoehorn myself into. The Practical Person keeps thinking of taking some sort of Master's Degree program that's more vocational-oriented, while the Creative Person wants to keep creating, exploring, learning strange things for the sheer joy of attaining knowledge.
I have the soul of a rich person and pocketbook of welfare client, which doesn't help the internal struggle. I worry about being in the proverbial cardboard box when I'm 70 if I don't get my act together yesterday.
I figure that what I should do is put it all out there, all the experience, in two columns, labled Practical and Creative, and try to figure out from there what I should be doing and where I can go to from here. I want to take those colulmns, rip the various lines apart, and paste them on to one single page so I can see the entirety of Me integrated in one place. I want to see it concretly so I can figure out what sort of vocation might suit me. I realize, unfortunately, that I may need more letters after my name, M.A. or Ph.D., for any of that life-experience stuff to make sense to an employer.
After all, the 11 year lag in full-time work is just flakey--even if the time was spent, quite practically, gaining something called Knowledge.
posted by Tish Grier at 5:21 PM
8 Comments:
You ARE being too hard on yourself. When do we ever really "grow up"? I'm a very creative person and although I am also exceptional practical and pragmatic - I've adapted to the world of business rather well. More out of necessity rather than want. I don't think you lose, nor should you lose the creative "flakiness" as you call it. Some people just don't have it, and as you probably know, creativity is not something you can fake. Either you have it, or you don't. I think (not that you asked, but I'll tell you anyway) that you should treasure and nurture that side of you - who cares what letters you do or don't have after your name! The mere fact that you can say that you have done this for the past 11 years and I'm (assuming you're not starving!) shows that this is a good path for you. And in today's world, it sometimes works against you to have those letters after your name because then you are potientally viewed as "entry level". If you're looking to down the path of traditional employment - don't worry. You will find an employer that appreciates your life skills and Knowledge gained without the aide of college - and you will succeed. It's that damn type a/type b thing that you've got going on... I feel your pain! :)
The world of remunerative employment just doesn't offer perfect matches for a lot of us. It can be a complicated process, building a way of life. Messy.
But not flaky. I think society is not just flaky, but sick. So if you're someone who can't put money and personal security/safety at the center of your passion for being alive, maybe that does look flaky to a lot of people. Not to me.
You don't sound flakey at all! Sounds like you have a fun life:) and I'm jealous you worked for a literary magazine. I have only worked for college newspapers and that got boring...do you know of any publications that are looking for a new writer? :)
R, P, & D...
yes, I tend to beat the bejezers out of myself...part of it is that I don't know how to value what I've done in life. So, I worry about not having adequate income, living in a less-than-safe neighborhood, and all that. And there seems to be major-league inadequate "career counselling" for creative types. I remember the people at Smith saying, "well, you're not going to find a job in the want-ads...you're going to just sort of stumble upon something..." the advice was really unrealistic, and it's added to my frustration over the years since I graduated.
Be that as it may, since I wrote this blog, I've been looking at what makes me tick creatively. I was always told that the creative stuff should just be a hobby. I've been mulling that tidbit over and realize that, for me, the stuff that's "hobby" is all that practical work stuff. That the other stuff really IS me! I'm not a poseur, I really am one of "those people" I was always told I wasn't!
Imagine that...accouting as a hobby...
So I've put the emotional truncheon down and looking at things a bit differently today. I know there will be more attempts at verbal self-immolation, but I'm hoping they will lessen with the more I accept who I am here and now. perhaps the key is self-acceptance rather than trying to mold myself according to someone else's perception of who I should be.
Yes, keep looking at things differently! I was bitching to one of my professors about not being able to find an established niche for what I want to do in the psychology field. He said very matter-of-factly, "You just need to create one then."
It floored me. His total faith in me is so empowering. You're a pioneer. All creative people are. Tolerate those small-minded people but for hell's sake don't take their advice! LOL Find mentors like this instead wherever you can, who'll remind you how valuable your creativity is when you forget.
Security is such a big illusion anyway. Sometimes I wonder why we want it so badly because even people who think they're secure forever can be wiped out by something like Katrina in a New York minute.
you're very right Heather....and, quite honestly, this is the first time I'm taking my creative side seriously. Up to this point, I've had a very difficult time valuing it (and, as you can see, continue to beat myself up about it--although not as bad IRL as on blog)...
Self-acceptance has been hard because there hasn't been alot of outside acceptance...even from profs. Recently, when I went to talk to one of my profs about going for an MFA, we had a big discussion on it, and the downside of it. I kind of see his point, and wouldn't really want the MFA anyway. But, the other thing is that he was kind of negative about re-locating again for school. My last re-location was under extremely traumatic circumstances, and I'm not sure that a re-location under better circumstances would be as awful. Even if most of my classmates are considerably younger, if I'm in a good headspace, I really don't think I'll have too hard a time fitting in. And, when it comes to that age thing, when it's grad school, there really are no age limits or guarantees.
the way you write, the flow of energy and assertively -and the wideness of your views about life, can't fool me, you are very gifted, the proof, is is here for all of us to see.
i respect you a lot for the achievements you made and the carrier you did, who said a full time "job" is the one and only indication of success?
you were courageous enough -not to became a victim of a dull job for the rest of your life, and may i say- that i guess you do manage your life in a way that gives you economical as well as spiritual freedom
thanks so much, moon! you are a very talented woman yourself, you know :-)
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