What do you do when your high school sweetheart contacts you after 25 years?
Well, I emailed him.
We'll see what happens. Our lives are very, very different.
He used to think he'd die at the age of 27. His grandfather and father, who he is named after, both died young. He believed it was his destiny. He's now 45, married, with two kids. Guess he was wrong.
and I am who I am. I don't think about marriages and kids and houses or any of that. It didn't work for me. I have major fear of commitment, and always did. I was taught to fear commitment of any kind. Family, marriage, home, commitment are all prisons meant to crush and destroy me.
I would like to explain to him why I broke off our engagement...what happened...how my mother used to badeger me and tell me how he was cheating on me because he was in the Army and I wasn't there with him. She would follow me around the house, into my room, repeating these lies like they were some sort of weird mantra...trying to brainwash me, I guess. I don't know. This is something he never understood. I never told anyone because I was ashamed.
I just cheated on him. Cheat on, or be cheated on--that's what my mother taught me.
I fear commitment because of my mother--who tried to hold on to me any way she could rather than doing the things a loving mother should. Her love was for herself, not for me. Her concerns were for who would be by her side when she died; not for how my future would play out.
She is gone. I am here to go on. I re-make my life, re-fashion my self. And move forward.
I wonder how he is....
Well, I emailed him.
We'll see what happens. Our lives are very, very different.
He used to think he'd die at the age of 27. His grandfather and father, who he is named after, both died young. He believed it was his destiny. He's now 45, married, with two kids. Guess he was wrong.
and I am who I am. I don't think about marriages and kids and houses or any of that. It didn't work for me. I have major fear of commitment, and always did. I was taught to fear commitment of any kind. Family, marriage, home, commitment are all prisons meant to crush and destroy me.
I would like to explain to him why I broke off our engagement...what happened...how my mother used to badeger me and tell me how he was cheating on me because he was in the Army and I wasn't there with him. She would follow me around the house, into my room, repeating these lies like they were some sort of weird mantra...trying to brainwash me, I guess. I don't know. This is something he never understood. I never told anyone because I was ashamed.
I just cheated on him. Cheat on, or be cheated on--that's what my mother taught me.
I fear commitment because of my mother--who tried to hold on to me any way she could rather than doing the things a loving mother should. Her love was for herself, not for me. Her concerns were for who would be by her side when she died; not for how my future would play out.
She is gone. I am here to go on. I re-make my life, re-fashion my self. And move forward.
I wonder how he is....
posted by Tish Grier at 9:49 AM
4 Comments:
Shalom Tish,
I kind of have nightmares about this. There are so many ways it could go bad and so few that it could go good.
I carried a torch for a girl in high school for five years. In 1974 she hitchhiked from Ohio University to Colorado State University to see me and it was the week that changed my life.
I don't know what I would do now, more than 30 years later, if she gave a repeat performance.
B'shalom,
Jeff
Tish,
Your Mom was wrong. I remember the manipulation, the angst, I understand.
We both knew deep down that we'd never mesh. I think we came away with what we needed for the time.
Many of my clumsy mistakes were made with you right there in the audience. You clapped, cried and even smiled. What more could I have wished?
Me, on a Blog! I can check that off my list of things to do.
For what it's worth to you... My memories of you and then are sweet and fragrant and haven't become lost or tarnished.
Fear not nightmares from me!
Tish -
I think it's wonderful you did that! Time heals all wounds, and often leaves warm memories in place of what used to be hurt feelings. I adore my high school sweetheart to this day; I wish him all the best in life. What used to be childhood angst has become understanding as we became older. I haven't spoken to him in years - but the last time we spoke we both acknowledged that you don't quite remember the wrongs as strongly as you remember the good times.
Those special ones are so important because they were so involved in our innocence - and our learning experiences of love; and I bet that he looks at you in his mind's eye with nothing but affection and warmth.
I'm thinking that the post right before mine might be him! :) Which might lead me to think I'm right! :) Great post....
My high school sweetheart showed up at the company I work for and I found out about it completely serendipitously. We ended up seeing a lot of each other until the company got hit by the dot bomb and he was laid off. We tried to keep seeing each other but I learned a lot about him post-layoff. I ended up breaking it off after 3 years of seeing him on and off. It just wasn't what I hoped it would be and he never was who I thought he was. It was just a fairy tale.
Post a Comment
<< Home