Anger as a Motivator
Years ago, I learned how to use anger as a motivator.
The problem with that strategy is that it can keep you stuck in anger.
And when I'm angry, I tend to make comments that I should otherwise not make.
Frustration tends to feed that anger. Right now, I'm very, very frustrated--with so many things in my life. There was a time when I needed to be in a place that moved slow. Now, I'd like things to move faster--and they move as slow as they always did.
It's not the fault of the place--it's that I've come back to life.
Lacking knowledge feeds the anger. There are so many things I want to do--so many things I can contribute, but I don't know how to get the word out. There are so many things I don't know and can't find the information on.
Boredom feeds the frustration, too. I'm bored a lot of the time. There are no challenges here. I have to make challenges for myself, and that isn't always a good thing.
I don't want to be here any more, but I can't figure out how to move things forward to get out of here. Maybe I'm impatient. Maybe I don't quite understand how The World works, and I need to slow down because The World doesn't move as fast as I'd like it to.
It's hard though, and hurtful. I panicked the other day because I thought I lost some personal documents--and when I woke up from that panic, I realized that I had forgotten where I'd put them. When I put them where they are, I was in the depths of a broken heart, and I didn't want to really look at some of my posessions. For me, a very broken heart means that even the smallest, most insignificant posession can bring back a flood of memories and upset me. The broken heart hurt more than being excoriated for a bad argument--and, not knowing a good strategy for dealing with it, I just stayed in one spot, in one place, that would not give me the stimulus I needed, but would at least be a crucible I could curl up in and try to get better.
A broken heart feels an awful lot like a long-term illness. Same lethargy. Same mind-confusion. Same loss of vitality. Life with a broken heart is an exercise of going thru the motions and not much more.
So, maybe that's why I'm so angry a lot of the time, too--and where all the frustration comes from. I spent the better part of my 30's being chronically ill. Then, as that illness was subsiding, I suffered a broken heart that felt like the illness all over again. Now, in my mid 40's, I see where life is so darned short (mostly because of the perceptions of others, not because of one's personal vitality) and where I've missed some key moments in life because of illness and heartbreak. And I want It all now. Everything I missed, I'm ready for. And things are happening, but slowly...ever so slowly...or, perhaps just not on my hyperactive, making-up-for-lost-time time table I've got going on in my head.
How do I get perspective? How do I slow down, amd not panic so much about all that illness-and-heartbreak induced lost time? How do I stop being frustrated and angry and sometimes lashing out when I should just chill?
The problem with that strategy is that it can keep you stuck in anger.
And when I'm angry, I tend to make comments that I should otherwise not make.
Frustration tends to feed that anger. Right now, I'm very, very frustrated--with so many things in my life. There was a time when I needed to be in a place that moved slow. Now, I'd like things to move faster--and they move as slow as they always did.
It's not the fault of the place--it's that I've come back to life.
Lacking knowledge feeds the anger. There are so many things I want to do--so many things I can contribute, but I don't know how to get the word out. There are so many things I don't know and can't find the information on.
Boredom feeds the frustration, too. I'm bored a lot of the time. There are no challenges here. I have to make challenges for myself, and that isn't always a good thing.
I don't want to be here any more, but I can't figure out how to move things forward to get out of here. Maybe I'm impatient. Maybe I don't quite understand how The World works, and I need to slow down because The World doesn't move as fast as I'd like it to.
It's hard though, and hurtful. I panicked the other day because I thought I lost some personal documents--and when I woke up from that panic, I realized that I had forgotten where I'd put them. When I put them where they are, I was in the depths of a broken heart, and I didn't want to really look at some of my posessions. For me, a very broken heart means that even the smallest, most insignificant posession can bring back a flood of memories and upset me. The broken heart hurt more than being excoriated for a bad argument--and, not knowing a good strategy for dealing with it, I just stayed in one spot, in one place, that would not give me the stimulus I needed, but would at least be a crucible I could curl up in and try to get better.
A broken heart feels an awful lot like a long-term illness. Same lethargy. Same mind-confusion. Same loss of vitality. Life with a broken heart is an exercise of going thru the motions and not much more.
So, maybe that's why I'm so angry a lot of the time, too--and where all the frustration comes from. I spent the better part of my 30's being chronically ill. Then, as that illness was subsiding, I suffered a broken heart that felt like the illness all over again. Now, in my mid 40's, I see where life is so darned short (mostly because of the perceptions of others, not because of one's personal vitality) and where I've missed some key moments in life because of illness and heartbreak. And I want It all now. Everything I missed, I'm ready for. And things are happening, but slowly...ever so slowly...or, perhaps just not on my hyperactive, making-up-for-lost-time time table I've got going on in my head.
How do I get perspective? How do I slow down, amd not panic so much about all that illness-and-heartbreak induced lost time? How do I stop being frustrated and angry and sometimes lashing out when I should just chill?
posted by Tish Grier at 6:54 AM
3 Comments:
If anger is helping you move on with your life, then maybe a little anger is called for. But I think perhaps you're discovering that a lot of anger is debilitating, both emotionally and physically. I know it's a cliche', but we can't change the past. We can learn from it and move on. You have to reach a point where you decide the people who make you angry are just taking up space in your head (rent-free!), draining you of energy.
It sounds like you're starting to head in the direction you want--the teaching is especially promising--and now you want to get moving. I'm a big optimist--I think it will happen, because you're too talented for it not to!
For what it's worth, I'm a big believer in a variation of the Serenity Creed (though I've never needed to be in a 12-step program, but I have had to live through a chronic illness, like you): Learn to change what you can, accept what you can't, and learn to tell the difference. It's made my life a lot easier (especially when it comes to dealing with illness and with raising a child!).
For what it's worth, I hope this helps. I'm rooting for you!
thanks so much AR. you hit the nail on the head in the first paragraph--recognizing when the anger is debilitiating (and possibly reputation-damaging) rather than being a motivator. I really don't need it to get angry to get off the couch anymore. It's a crutch I can throw away.
Just my 2 cents, but when I feel everythign is going too slowly, I try to keep myself busy with the backburner projects so that when things with the main burner project (that's going too damn slow right now) slow down, I won't be playing catch up with the back burner projects. If that makes any sense. It helps me be creative all the time, and learn to be patient and let things happen in their own time. Good luck making everything work out, or being happy with it if it doesn't all work out :) Also, sorry for late commenting... just now catching up on bloglines.
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