"So, how are you making ends meet?"
Last year, around January, I had an interview for the position of administrative assistant at a top law firm in Springfield. Over the course of the interview, the lawyer who administers human resources boldface asked me how I was making ends meet.
The question was meant to intimidate me, and furthermore, it was none of his business.
Oddly enough, over the past two days, two different men, in the course of what I perceived as casual and non-flirtatious conversation, out of the blue, asked me how I was making ends meet.
What is it with men and their curiosities about how I'm supporting myself? I don't know...maybe it's got something to do with this time of year being the beginning of Tax Season, and they're evaluating their own portfolios, looking at their cash flow, maybe deciding on some sort of nefarious proposal....
In any event, in casual conversation, a question about where or how one earns a living is, IMHO, bloddy well rude. Heck, they might as well have just come right out and asked me both my age and how much I weigh--two questions I know a man is *never* supposed to ask a woman.
Stupid me, though, offered the answers to these guys in all three instances! Why? you might ask--well, because I was completely and utterly thrown off guard in all three instances.
I mean, really, what's the point of asking something like that if not to intimidate? Are they trying to discover a Sugar Daddy in my life? Are they trying to determine if I'm some eccentric Daddy's Girl living off her trust funds? Or if I'm, perish the thought, on WELFARE???
If I were wearing a ring of some kind on the third finger of my left hand, that kind of question would never be asked. It would be immediately assumed that I was somebody's chattel and was working only as a hobby. But whether or not I'm wearing a ring shouldn't make any difference to whether or not that question is asked.
I wonder, too, would they ask a bohemian kind of guy the same kind of question? Or would they simply ask what he did for a living rather than how he was making ends meet and take him at face value when he answers that he's a writer (even if it's for a 'zine) or artist (even if it's graffitti) or performer (even if he's dancing nude at a gay bar.)
In any event, I did manage to be cagey enough and give different answers each time--so I don't think any of them really got the entire tale...still, what the entire tale entails is none of their business!
Alhough, if I chose to not answer the question I would have been considered uncooperative, bitchy, testy, or any other negative female-based adjective you can think of. They were all no-win situations.
I know, however, my answers have colored the way these men perceive me. Unfortunately.
Now, I know there are some great guys who read this blog regularly--so, from a guy's perspective, I'd love to know why a man would, out of the clear blue, and knowing that in a job situation that kind of question is patently illegal, and in personal conversation really none of his business, ask that sort of rude question.
Guess I'm just going to have to be on my toes and acutely aware of that kind of stuff from now on. Really is a pity though...
Important Afterthought: Two other friends of mine, who I talked with this afternoon, gave me a clue that what each of these guys might have been asking was if I was available to do any freelancing or consulting. I hadn't thought of that! There are subtle dances of language that come with changes in one's world and worldview. So, what may have, in one instance, been rude, in another instance just might have been invitations to search out my availability. Oh, the things I'm learning! It'a like travelling thru time and finding oneself in a Restoration era comdey of manners with a copy of a script for The Terminator. It's like learning to be mulit-lingual without a Berlitz guide. Makes my head hurt just a bit.
The question was meant to intimidate me, and furthermore, it was none of his business.
Oddly enough, over the past two days, two different men, in the course of what I perceived as casual and non-flirtatious conversation, out of the blue, asked me how I was making ends meet.
What is it with men and their curiosities about how I'm supporting myself? I don't know...maybe it's got something to do with this time of year being the beginning of Tax Season, and they're evaluating their own portfolios, looking at their cash flow, maybe deciding on some sort of nefarious proposal....
In any event, in casual conversation, a question about where or how one earns a living is, IMHO, bloddy well rude. Heck, they might as well have just come right out and asked me both my age and how much I weigh--two questions I know a man is *never* supposed to ask a woman.
Stupid me, though, offered the answers to these guys in all three instances! Why? you might ask--well, because I was completely and utterly thrown off guard in all three instances.
I mean, really, what's the point of asking something like that if not to intimidate? Are they trying to discover a Sugar Daddy in my life? Are they trying to determine if I'm some eccentric Daddy's Girl living off her trust funds? Or if I'm, perish the thought, on WELFARE???
If I were wearing a ring of some kind on the third finger of my left hand, that kind of question would never be asked. It would be immediately assumed that I was somebody's chattel and was working only as a hobby. But whether or not I'm wearing a ring shouldn't make any difference to whether or not that question is asked.
I wonder, too, would they ask a bohemian kind of guy the same kind of question? Or would they simply ask what he did for a living rather than how he was making ends meet and take him at face value when he answers that he's a writer (even if it's for a 'zine) or artist (even if it's graffitti) or performer (even if he's dancing nude at a gay bar.)
In any event, I did manage to be cagey enough and give different answers each time--so I don't think any of them really got the entire tale...still, what the entire tale entails is none of their business!
Alhough, if I chose to not answer the question I would have been considered uncooperative, bitchy, testy, or any other negative female-based adjective you can think of. They were all no-win situations.
I know, however, my answers have colored the way these men perceive me. Unfortunately.
Now, I know there are some great guys who read this blog regularly--so, from a guy's perspective, I'd love to know why a man would, out of the clear blue, and knowing that in a job situation that kind of question is patently illegal, and in personal conversation really none of his business, ask that sort of rude question.
Guess I'm just going to have to be on my toes and acutely aware of that kind of stuff from now on. Really is a pity though...
Important Afterthought: Two other friends of mine, who I talked with this afternoon, gave me a clue that what each of these guys might have been asking was if I was available to do any freelancing or consulting. I hadn't thought of that! There are subtle dances of language that come with changes in one's world and worldview. So, what may have, in one instance, been rude, in another instance just might have been invitations to search out my availability. Oh, the things I'm learning! It'a like travelling thru time and finding oneself in a Restoration era comdey of manners with a copy of a script for The Terminator. It's like learning to be mulit-lingual without a Berlitz guide. Makes my head hurt just a bit.
posted by Tish Grier at 5:49 PM
3 Comments:
thanks Ed....and I agree that if you asked the question, it would be out of concern (man! we've known each other *that* long!)
But you're right about it only recently being considered rude in this country. I remember when I was gainfully employed as a bookkeeper that's often how I was introduced--as Tish the Bookkeeper. I found it horrifyingly limiting, as if that's all I would be allowed to talk about.
I think the questions have alot to do with curiosity. People are, and have always been, curious about me. Sometimes it's fun, at other times it leads them into being rude because they can't stand a mystery.
Next time tell them you are making much more then ends, meet. Decorate and highlight your life. Your brain and intellect working at such high speeds it's hard for you to keep up.
I believe that during an interview a possible reason to ask a person "How they make ends meet" would be to see if the lack of money is motivating them to get this job. If that is the case, then perhaps they think that you would leave as soon as a better offer comes by. Just a thought....I was once asked that question (Is everything ok at your job) in an Interview with Raymond James and you know he was right when he asked it. I thought I was going to be let go in my other job so my motivation was more about getting me through a tough time than the position he was offering me.
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