Adrift on a Sea of Regret
There was an expisode of the X-Files some time ago with a chinese sea witch or something--a very pretty girl adrift on a boat that some sailors came across. They picked her up and then, of course, they were killed...
The other day Steady Eddy mentioned that some of my feelings about ending things between the two of us might have something to do with regrets over the past. And last night I found myself talking too much about the past...
In trying to make sense of things, to put life in perspective, I remember how my mom always talked about the past around me. It was always conversations about old boyfriends and proposals she refused, when she worked in the hat shop, when she bought the house, all the people who died (including an 8 year old who died of pneumonia, possibly out of neglect.) There was little conversation about the future, or even about me and what I would do with my life.
I remembered my mom talking to me about fixing up my bedroom the way I wanted it. I thought "what's the point?"
Even as a kid, I felt no point to doing anything like that because I never felt there was a future.
We were always in a little dingy, adrift on a sea of regret, stuck in the doldrums somewhere out in the middle of everything. Mom looking at the Past. Dad not looking past his nose.
Mom may have suffered with post-partum depression after losing the last baby she had at 48. There may have been other troubles, too. I don't know. I was never told anything....
And when I read Legs McNeil's book on the porn industry, it put a lot of things in perspective for me about my Dad. That book very clearly demonstrated the heavy-duty impact porn had on pop culture in the 1970's. And Dad was all about the porn....
The Future's always been a hard concept for me to grasp--and probably because I spent so many years on that Sea of Regret....
And I'm tired of it. I really want out of the boat--want to be doing things now, having conversations about stuff and the future....
Steady Eddy and I did a lot of talking last night about things. He sees himself as my protector, and in many ways, he is my protector. But, we also don't have too many conversations about stuff because he doesn't read books, isn't interested in film--well, he's just not interested in the same things I'm interested in. So, he's a very wonderful person, and wonderful to talk to about the day to day things and how we're going to fix this or hang that, but he really isn't someone to have general conversation with.
He likes to sit quietly.
I like to talk. A lot. Maybe because I work alone and don't have people to talk with about stuff during the day, other than the odd business call.
But I think I was always like this anyway. I probably just like the fine art of conversation.
Lucky Bastard's always telling me how I've *got* to get out and go to these Hartford hotspots. "You would go there and hold court in minutes," he tells me "I know you would."
But I'm not 25 and thin and have polished fingernails and long hair....
So I wonder about the "holding court" thing with folks who aren't fellow geeks.
I know he means well--wants me to get out more and be around people. Because he and I are so very much alike in some ways. We thrive on the energy of others, and create a lot of good energy when we can.
But I am getting sick and tired of not having any kind of conversation with Steady Eddy. Nothing about music or art or architecture or anything....nothing about cooking or books or what was in the paper today....
just mostly about what I did today--rarely anything about he does....or wants to do.
I think if we had children, we'd be helicopter parents, hovering over them all the time. Wouldn't be good for the kids, that's for sure.
I don't know why I think about family sometimes. I'm probably not all that fit to be a parent.
I don't know. really. or for sure. that was always a future thing that I couldn't see.
It's like having a blind spot. No peripherial vision or something like that.
And nobody wanted to talk with me about it. or, if they did, I'd freak out. I remember one boyfriend wanting to talk about it--and I *did* freak out. Serious anxiety attacks where I couldn't breathe.
But I was young. I couldn't see how I could balance having children and having a life where I was doing something other than taking care of kids...which made me feel like I would be sacrificing my life for the future of others....
I never got that futures could be intertwined in a positive way. Because neither of my parents' lives was positively intertwined with mine.
Dad gets fixated on the woo-woo world of porn and Mom sits there wringing her hands and talking about dead people....
I've got to get out of this boat.
The other day Steady Eddy mentioned that some of my feelings about ending things between the two of us might have something to do with regrets over the past. And last night I found myself talking too much about the past...
In trying to make sense of things, to put life in perspective, I remember how my mom always talked about the past around me. It was always conversations about old boyfriends and proposals she refused, when she worked in the hat shop, when she bought the house, all the people who died (including an 8 year old who died of pneumonia, possibly out of neglect.) There was little conversation about the future, or even about me and what I would do with my life.
I remembered my mom talking to me about fixing up my bedroom the way I wanted it. I thought "what's the point?"
Even as a kid, I felt no point to doing anything like that because I never felt there was a future.
We were always in a little dingy, adrift on a sea of regret, stuck in the doldrums somewhere out in the middle of everything. Mom looking at the Past. Dad not looking past his nose.
Mom may have suffered with post-partum depression after losing the last baby she had at 48. There may have been other troubles, too. I don't know. I was never told anything....
And when I read Legs McNeil's book on the porn industry, it put a lot of things in perspective for me about my Dad. That book very clearly demonstrated the heavy-duty impact porn had on pop culture in the 1970's. And Dad was all about the porn....
The Future's always been a hard concept for me to grasp--and probably because I spent so many years on that Sea of Regret....
And I'm tired of it. I really want out of the boat--want to be doing things now, having conversations about stuff and the future....
Steady Eddy and I did a lot of talking last night about things. He sees himself as my protector, and in many ways, he is my protector. But, we also don't have too many conversations about stuff because he doesn't read books, isn't interested in film--well, he's just not interested in the same things I'm interested in. So, he's a very wonderful person, and wonderful to talk to about the day to day things and how we're going to fix this or hang that, but he really isn't someone to have general conversation with.
He likes to sit quietly.
I like to talk. A lot. Maybe because I work alone and don't have people to talk with about stuff during the day, other than the odd business call.
But I think I was always like this anyway. I probably just like the fine art of conversation.
Lucky Bastard's always telling me how I've *got* to get out and go to these Hartford hotspots. "You would go there and hold court in minutes," he tells me "I know you would."
But I'm not 25 and thin and have polished fingernails and long hair....
So I wonder about the "holding court" thing with folks who aren't fellow geeks.
I know he means well--wants me to get out more and be around people. Because he and I are so very much alike in some ways. We thrive on the energy of others, and create a lot of good energy when we can.
But I am getting sick and tired of not having any kind of conversation with Steady Eddy. Nothing about music or art or architecture or anything....nothing about cooking or books or what was in the paper today....
just mostly about what I did today--rarely anything about he does....or wants to do.
I think if we had children, we'd be helicopter parents, hovering over them all the time. Wouldn't be good for the kids, that's for sure.
I don't know why I think about family sometimes. I'm probably not all that fit to be a parent.
I don't know. really. or for sure. that was always a future thing that I couldn't see.
It's like having a blind spot. No peripherial vision or something like that.
And nobody wanted to talk with me about it. or, if they did, I'd freak out. I remember one boyfriend wanting to talk about it--and I *did* freak out. Serious anxiety attacks where I couldn't breathe.
But I was young. I couldn't see how I could balance having children and having a life where I was doing something other than taking care of kids...which made me feel like I would be sacrificing my life for the future of others....
I never got that futures could be intertwined in a positive way. Because neither of my parents' lives was positively intertwined with mine.
Dad gets fixated on the woo-woo world of porn and Mom sits there wringing her hands and talking about dead people....
I've got to get out of this boat.
posted by Tish Grier at 9:42 AM
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