Moving on from other people's anger
I woke up this morning---after a very weird dream where I was part of a church choir, and the bathrooms in the church were all broken and backing up--thinking about the kids I used to babysit...
And realizing that that was 20 years ago. They are grown now.
I never stayed in touch and I missed their lives.
And it hit me that I spent the first 20 years of my adult life trying to get out from under other people's negativity and anger.
Running--and being sick--made me miss a lot of life.
There was so much of it at home, and home was (supposed to be) everything. People don't understand that homes are sometimes poison places where there's anger and ridicule and humilation and a lot of really, really bad stuff. (nobody ever seems to hear me when I say this...so I keep saying it...or have kept saying it....)
Bad stuff that makes you shrink away from other people, avoiding the embrace of their love and acceptance.
Because when the people at home do not love and embrace you, how can you know what that's suppose to be when someone tries to love and embrace you???
Anyway, as I sat there thinking how I spent the first 20 years of my adulthood hurt and angry and physically sick most the time, and knowing that I now have excellent health and don't feel as hurt as I used to, and don't have all that anger around me, I got to thinking that I want the next 20 years of my life to be different.
I don't know how I'm going to do that--but I've noticed that lately I'm in a spot that's similar to where I was when I was in my late 20's and babysitting those very nice children. I work a lot, don't have much of a life outside of work, am stressed out, and don't have a lot of friends...
And I'm reminded of the words of an old shrink: "sometimes the field has to lie fallow for a bit, has to gain nutrients and get strong again..."
So, I see things as a bit of a fallow time in some ways--in other ways they're popping like mad. Then maybe life isn't just one field but many. For years, the job field lay fallow. Now it's blooming like it's spring in the middle of winter! So much bounty it scares the bejesus out of me and I have a very difficult time managing all the various crops....
But the social field is lying fallow. Lots of weeds were pulled and many of the pretty birds flew away to warmer climes.
I'm not really worrying though. Because I know, too, that I'm not doing much to meet new people or make new friends. So I can't really do a "poor me" thing....
However, working all the time doesn't help with making friends. It's rather counter-productive to the whole friend thing.
Now, I know I need to make something of a plan for making new friends.
Adult life happens a bit better with a plan in place. Nothing rigid, just a skeleton of a plan....a framework, so to say. A life "To Do" list.
1. Got to bank
2. Check email.
3. Make friends
4. get married
5 have a life.
See, pretty easy! ;-)
But seriously, bumping around and waiting for serendipity to kick in....well, serendipity doesn't necessarily kick in if all I'm doing is sitting in front of my computer working all day (and sometimes night.)
If I never leave my apartment, how will Life even know I'm alive???
Right now I'm not worrying about too much--not worrying about the friend thing I'm a little fallow right now.
I do, though, have to watch the workaholic thing. Don't want another case of burnout.
And I don't do anyone any favors when I'm working all the time--even though there are folks who thrive on working all the time, I'm certainly not one of them (I think that's always some misdirected protestant ethic channelled into the Type A personality. eek.)
So, I think I'll not beat myself up over missing those nice children's lives, nor will I beat myself up over the past lost 20 years....
As I said to Steady Eddy this a.m. "I've got at least another 20 years before I maybe get to where I'm a bit more limited in what I can do. I don't want to waste those years."
If I don't want to waste them, I probably won't.
But I also can't rush the fallow field stage of things. Just be patient and give it some time. Things will bloom there, too...
And realizing that that was 20 years ago. They are grown now.
I never stayed in touch and I missed their lives.
And it hit me that I spent the first 20 years of my adult life trying to get out from under other people's negativity and anger.
Running--and being sick--made me miss a lot of life.
There was so much of it at home, and home was (supposed to be) everything. People don't understand that homes are sometimes poison places where there's anger and ridicule and humilation and a lot of really, really bad stuff. (nobody ever seems to hear me when I say this...so I keep saying it...or have kept saying it....)
Bad stuff that makes you shrink away from other people, avoiding the embrace of their love and acceptance.
Because when the people at home do not love and embrace you, how can you know what that's suppose to be when someone tries to love and embrace you???
Anyway, as I sat there thinking how I spent the first 20 years of my adulthood hurt and angry and physically sick most the time, and knowing that I now have excellent health and don't feel as hurt as I used to, and don't have all that anger around me, I got to thinking that I want the next 20 years of my life to be different.
I don't know how I'm going to do that--but I've noticed that lately I'm in a spot that's similar to where I was when I was in my late 20's and babysitting those very nice children. I work a lot, don't have much of a life outside of work, am stressed out, and don't have a lot of friends...
And I'm reminded of the words of an old shrink: "sometimes the field has to lie fallow for a bit, has to gain nutrients and get strong again..."
So, I see things as a bit of a fallow time in some ways--in other ways they're popping like mad. Then maybe life isn't just one field but many. For years, the job field lay fallow. Now it's blooming like it's spring in the middle of winter! So much bounty it scares the bejesus out of me and I have a very difficult time managing all the various crops....
But the social field is lying fallow. Lots of weeds were pulled and many of the pretty birds flew away to warmer climes.
I'm not really worrying though. Because I know, too, that I'm not doing much to meet new people or make new friends. So I can't really do a "poor me" thing....
However, working all the time doesn't help with making friends. It's rather counter-productive to the whole friend thing.
Now, I know I need to make something of a plan for making new friends.
Adult life happens a bit better with a plan in place. Nothing rigid, just a skeleton of a plan....a framework, so to say. A life "To Do" list.
1. Got to bank
2. Check email.
3. Make friends
4. get married
5 have a life.
See, pretty easy! ;-)
But seriously, bumping around and waiting for serendipity to kick in....well, serendipity doesn't necessarily kick in if all I'm doing is sitting in front of my computer working all day (and sometimes night.)
If I never leave my apartment, how will Life even know I'm alive???
Right now I'm not worrying about too much--not worrying about the friend thing I'm a little fallow right now.
I do, though, have to watch the workaholic thing. Don't want another case of burnout.
And I don't do anyone any favors when I'm working all the time--even though there are folks who thrive on working all the time, I'm certainly not one of them (I think that's always some misdirected protestant ethic channelled into the Type A personality. eek.)
So, I think I'll not beat myself up over missing those nice children's lives, nor will I beat myself up over the past lost 20 years....
As I said to Steady Eddy this a.m. "I've got at least another 20 years before I maybe get to where I'm a bit more limited in what I can do. I don't want to waste those years."
If I don't want to waste them, I probably won't.
But I also can't rush the fallow field stage of things. Just be patient and give it some time. Things will bloom there, too...
posted by Tish Grier at 2:48 PM
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