The Level Playing Field
I see Lucky Bastard from time to time. I won't deny it. But things have changed.
Greatly changed.
I think back to when I first met him, and he was just the epitome of that WASP life that I felt was totally unattainable for me. Even with the best education I could get, it didn't seem enough because I couldn't look that image of slim, trim, blond and beautiful.
And there he was. All of that. Every dream I ever had, all rolled up into one person with shiny blue eyes and a bright smile....
and...well, I won't elaborate on that....
There were cracks in the veneer though. Things weren't good at home. But I never really knew.
He kept me striving for more, to be better, to be equal in some way, even if I could never be the kind of tall blond beautiful woman that he would want to build a life with....
Now, he seems so thin, almost fragile. He is worried and his future is uncertain.
In some way, it feels like we have changed places. While my income isn't fantabulously six figures (as his was when we met), I am building something. I am networked (I learned a lot from him in that regard) and I no longer hide in the shadows, hating myself, confused about sex and love, afraid to live my life, trying to find ways to look "normal."
And I can see through his veneer, where that upper middle class life failed him. Where he wasn't happy at all with it, but was what he needed to do to get The Girl, and to Make Good.
When all he really wanted to be doing was teaching skiing and painting.
And me....I'm not perfect every day, but I'm more centered. I have some direction, and some very good people in my life. Great projects to work on that make me happy.
I haven't gotten any thinner, or more WASP-y looking, that's for sure. But I've got far better at the whole maintenance thing, have better clothes, am healthier than I was a few years back (which was far better than I was 15 years ago, when things started to fall apart bigtime.)
I feel strong. I feel like I am his equal. That I have made my life and some standing in the community. I've created a Self that wasn't there, and it is a Self I am quite proud of. I've found out who I am sexually--know I'm far more special than most men can handle, and have far better control than before.
One cannot cast pearls of great price before swine. They'll never understand....
I see him and I hope he finds that Self who is within him. I hope he can incorporate all that WASP-y bearing into someone new, someone who is more comfortable in his own skin, with his sexual being, and isn't trying to play The Game.
And I see how he is uncomfortable around me--how he wants the upper hand badly, and feels it slipping away. How he will have to step up and be a real man in the situation and cannot allow himself to be. Or at least not with me anyway.
How dare I make demands on him and his behavior.
But I don't have to suffer a punk-ass anymore. and if that's who he wants to be--a priviledged not-priviledged punk-ass--I really don't care.
It's about more than fun-and-games now. It's about reality. Because I'm real, and I'm here, in this world, in his world. A self-made woman negotiating the WASP-y world I never thought I'd be capable of invading.
and the playing field is level now.....or even in my favor.....
Greatly changed.
I think back to when I first met him, and he was just the epitome of that WASP life that I felt was totally unattainable for me. Even with the best education I could get, it didn't seem enough because I couldn't look that image of slim, trim, blond and beautiful.
And there he was. All of that. Every dream I ever had, all rolled up into one person with shiny blue eyes and a bright smile....
and...well, I won't elaborate on that....
There were cracks in the veneer though. Things weren't good at home. But I never really knew.
He kept me striving for more, to be better, to be equal in some way, even if I could never be the kind of tall blond beautiful woman that he would want to build a life with....
Now, he seems so thin, almost fragile. He is worried and his future is uncertain.
In some way, it feels like we have changed places. While my income isn't fantabulously six figures (as his was when we met), I am building something. I am networked (I learned a lot from him in that regard) and I no longer hide in the shadows, hating myself, confused about sex and love, afraid to live my life, trying to find ways to look "normal."
And I can see through his veneer, where that upper middle class life failed him. Where he wasn't happy at all with it, but was what he needed to do to get The Girl, and to Make Good.
When all he really wanted to be doing was teaching skiing and painting.
And me....I'm not perfect every day, but I'm more centered. I have some direction, and some very good people in my life. Great projects to work on that make me happy.
I haven't gotten any thinner, or more WASP-y looking, that's for sure. But I've got far better at the whole maintenance thing, have better clothes, am healthier than I was a few years back (which was far better than I was 15 years ago, when things started to fall apart bigtime.)
I feel strong. I feel like I am his equal. That I have made my life and some standing in the community. I've created a Self that wasn't there, and it is a Self I am quite proud of. I've found out who I am sexually--know I'm far more special than most men can handle, and have far better control than before.
One cannot cast pearls of great price before swine. They'll never understand....
I see him and I hope he finds that Self who is within him. I hope he can incorporate all that WASP-y bearing into someone new, someone who is more comfortable in his own skin, with his sexual being, and isn't trying to play The Game.
And I see how he is uncomfortable around me--how he wants the upper hand badly, and feels it slipping away. How he will have to step up and be a real man in the situation and cannot allow himself to be. Or at least not with me anyway.
How dare I make demands on him and his behavior.
But I don't have to suffer a punk-ass anymore. and if that's who he wants to be--a priviledged not-priviledged punk-ass--I really don't care.
It's about more than fun-and-games now. It's about reality. Because I'm real, and I'm here, in this world, in his world. A self-made woman negotiating the WASP-y world I never thought I'd be capable of invading.
and the playing field is level now.....or even in my favor.....
posted by Tish Grier at 2:43 PM
2 Comments:
I read some of your quotes on google which lead me to do a search for "Tish Grier, love and hope and sex and dreams". I just want to let you know I really enjoyed your blog. I was impressed by your honesty - you put yourself out there. I was compelled to read the whole thing. You write well. Don't doubt yourself. I'll forward your blog on my Twitter page.
Hi Rose,
and thanks for reading. :) I'm glad that you've enjoyed reading this blog, although I don't write here all that often anymore. And thanks for letting me know I write well. I struggle with this often, and always wonder whether or not to pursue more writing. maybe I should....
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