Sex Without Love
....I've had a bit of an emotional hangover today....in part from that Jeff Gannon rant(even though that was kind of fun)..the other part from admitting to Lucky Bastard that I have some feelings for him.
Not that those feelings are anything to really get upset over, but I believe he did.
When I first started to mention that I cared, he got all antsy, thinking I was going to say the "L" word. But there wasn't any need for that word, because that isn't what I feel. I don't know what I feel. It's affection, but it isn't love. Love requires more involvement and investment than either of us has made. I reassured him that I was quite rational about our situation, and asked him if he understood what I was saying. He said he did, and that he felt the same way I did.
But I never really know what he's thinking.
The last message I left him stated that I probably should have kept what I said confidential. It wasn't worth mentioning, I guess...but I was getting tired of playing a game. Interactions between men and women shouldn't be games nor should they need games to survive.
When I spoke to a friend of mine today, she made a very cogent observation: "I don't know how or why people think they can have sex and not have any feelings."
I wonder that same point myself. Did he ever consider that either of us could go on with this thing for close to a year now and not have any feelings? Or am I to be the stone-wall Domme, letting him have paroxisms over his emotions, but not have any emotions of my own?
More often than not, men seem to believe that they can have sex with a woman for an extended period of time and not have any feelings or emotions toward her, nor she toward him. Sure, when they are young and merely walking hormone containers, it might be quite a bit easier to have sex and walk away without a care.
And, sure, even when you're older you can have sex with someone once or twice and walk away without not really worrying too much about their feelings or your own.
But close to a year? With all sorts of dramatic gestures at various points--protestations, declarations of familial loyalty, concern over career, and others--how can either party not have feelings?
I know that, for myself, I just got very tired of holding back, of maintaining some kind of emotional distance just to make him happy, make him think I wasn't all *that* involved. Well, since I can't really put a name to anything I feel, I don't think it's worth getting one's knickers in a bunch over. It is what it is. My conscience and my soul got tired of maintaining.
Later yesterday evening, I got talking with a guy-friend of mine, who mentioned a French film he recently saw where the actors engaged in hardcore sex. And we got to talking more about the sex industry, and how strange it is to ask people to merely perform sex acts without any feeling or emotion. And that it did not seem quite right to ask legitimate actors to engage in hardcore sex scenes.
But it all seems to tie back to the male fantasy of sex without emotion. And that, probably, the only people who can truthfully have sex without any emotion, or with only minor affection for another, probably have some sort of mental difficulty or general lack of conscience.
Now, there are times when I can shut my emotions off for a short period, or be quite rational about them, but I can't continue to engage with someone sexually and have absolutely no feelings or emotions for that person.
I am, after all, a fully integrated human being, with a soul and mind as well as a body.
So, while I regret opening my mouth and letting Lucky Bastard know that he is, in his own way, important to me, I simply could not continue without saying anything at all.
And if he chooses to turn away, that's his decision. And I'm tired of playing a game for his benefit.
It is what it is.
Not that those feelings are anything to really get upset over, but I believe he did.
When I first started to mention that I cared, he got all antsy, thinking I was going to say the "L" word. But there wasn't any need for that word, because that isn't what I feel. I don't know what I feel. It's affection, but it isn't love. Love requires more involvement and investment than either of us has made. I reassured him that I was quite rational about our situation, and asked him if he understood what I was saying. He said he did, and that he felt the same way I did.
But I never really know what he's thinking.
The last message I left him stated that I probably should have kept what I said confidential. It wasn't worth mentioning, I guess...but I was getting tired of playing a game. Interactions between men and women shouldn't be games nor should they need games to survive.
When I spoke to a friend of mine today, she made a very cogent observation: "I don't know how or why people think they can have sex and not have any feelings."
I wonder that same point myself. Did he ever consider that either of us could go on with this thing for close to a year now and not have any feelings? Or am I to be the stone-wall Domme, letting him have paroxisms over his emotions, but not have any emotions of my own?
More often than not, men seem to believe that they can have sex with a woman for an extended period of time and not have any feelings or emotions toward her, nor she toward him. Sure, when they are young and merely walking hormone containers, it might be quite a bit easier to have sex and walk away without a care.
And, sure, even when you're older you can have sex with someone once or twice and walk away without not really worrying too much about their feelings or your own.
But close to a year? With all sorts of dramatic gestures at various points--protestations, declarations of familial loyalty, concern over career, and others--how can either party not have feelings?
I know that, for myself, I just got very tired of holding back, of maintaining some kind of emotional distance just to make him happy, make him think I wasn't all *that* involved. Well, since I can't really put a name to anything I feel, I don't think it's worth getting one's knickers in a bunch over. It is what it is. My conscience and my soul got tired of maintaining.
Later yesterday evening, I got talking with a guy-friend of mine, who mentioned a French film he recently saw where the actors engaged in hardcore sex. And we got to talking more about the sex industry, and how strange it is to ask people to merely perform sex acts without any feeling or emotion. And that it did not seem quite right to ask legitimate actors to engage in hardcore sex scenes.
But it all seems to tie back to the male fantasy of sex without emotion. And that, probably, the only people who can truthfully have sex without any emotion, or with only minor affection for another, probably have some sort of mental difficulty or general lack of conscience.
Now, there are times when I can shut my emotions off for a short period, or be quite rational about them, but I can't continue to engage with someone sexually and have absolutely no feelings or emotions for that person.
I am, after all, a fully integrated human being, with a soul and mind as well as a body.
So, while I regret opening my mouth and letting Lucky Bastard know that he is, in his own way, important to me, I simply could not continue without saying anything at all.
And if he chooses to turn away, that's his decision. And I'm tired of playing a game for his benefit.
It is what it is.
posted by Tish Grier at 12:00 AM
3 Comments:
Are you referring to the film, Romance? Love that movie...great little treatise on female sexuality...or rather, a dark bored, French version of female desire.
I agree about the whole sex without love thing. Not that it always becomes love, but affection develops no matter how hard you try to keep it away.
That could be the movie. My friend could more easily remember the name of Jenna Jameson's latest, or some very old Jacques Tati film than he could something more recent....
I think it's the affection that I feel for Lucky Bastard that gets me to take him back. There are things I like about him that make him an ideal "boy toy" and it is those same things that would make him an awful full-time lover.
I just wanted to say I enjoyed your blog. I was in a similar relationship...with a guy for 8 months. I told him I loved him, he said thanks. I held it in for the longest time, waiting for him to say it first. He never did. He says he likes me, cares about me, wants to have sex with me, etc., but doesn't love me. We broke up 5 months ago...he still wants to have sex with me but I can't do it. For me, I'd equate the sex with love because I still love him. For him, it's just sex, and I can't lower myself to his standards. So...I keep searching for what is so hard to find, but ultimately what I believe we all want...love with sex, sex with love.
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