Take a moment to read this over at Man in Space.
I thought I would cry...but I'm kind of cried-out at the moment.
It's alot of things, not just Lucky Bastard.
Like the fact that there wouldn't have been a Lucky Bastard if things were okay between myself and Steady Eddie.
They are, in some ways, and in others they are very, very wrong.
I feel like the proverbial raw nerve. That part of me that Lucky Bastard broke open, the part that had been blocked off since the age of 15, is exposed, like an organ during vivisection, and I'm not quite sure how to protect myself.
yeah, and I'm supposed to go out to Harvard tonight and hear Dave Winer talk about podcasting...
I thought I would cry...but I'm kind of cried-out at the moment.
It's alot of things, not just Lucky Bastard.
Like the fact that there wouldn't have been a Lucky Bastard if things were okay between myself and Steady Eddie.
They are, in some ways, and in others they are very, very wrong.
I feel like the proverbial raw nerve. That part of me that Lucky Bastard broke open, the part that had been blocked off since the age of 15, is exposed, like an organ during vivisection, and I'm not quite sure how to protect myself.
yeah, and I'm supposed to go out to Harvard tonight and hear Dave Winer talk about podcasting...
posted by Tish Grier at 10:19 AM
4 Comments:
I'm so sorry.
You can do it, you know you have it in you.
Thanks,
Cherry
"... Lucky Bastard if things were okay between myself and Steady Eddie."
I don't think this has anything to do with that. There's something else there that's missing in *you* that LB fills. It's not something missing in SE.
I'm so sorry you're hurting, Tish. Please try to hang onto the knowledge that you're not defined by LB's--or anyone else's--vision of you. You have the right to define yourself. His expectations are not what you are.
Thing is, LB was the first man, in a very long time, to unlock that part of me that I keep very, very much under lock and key.
I have always been the dominant partner in relationships. I learned that from my parents. My father was my mother's submissive--something I am fully aware of now that I see he literally cannot function without her.
After my last marriage ended, I went off to be a Dominant. Because I figured that since that was the role I'd always taken in relationships, it must be exactly who I am.
I was wrong. It was never about being a Dominant--not as that role is constituted in the BDSM world. It was about wanting to share the sexual power with another person--To be as intimate as I could--by alternating between dominant and submissive roles. It wasn't about the type and kind of "power exchange" that goes on with serious BDSM people. It was something else.
L.B. was able to be both submissive and dominant. He helped me to drop a false face that I was clinging to because I didn't know I could let go of it. He was able to make sex not a job or a duty but play. We could play like children for hours.
I can't remember the last time I encountered a man so fearless in the bedroom. Most are full of fears and issues and denial. Most can't *let go* of the control because they fear their manliness would be in question. And that means I cannot let go with them. I am not an inferior, nor will I be the only one completely open and vulnerable in the bedroom.
I'm not saying L.B. was or is perfect in any way. But he opened up part of me that I can't close down again. He was the kind of partner (in the bedroom anyway) that I'd always wanted and hoped for. And the kind of partner that, because of his own issues, S.E. cannot be.
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