Completion and Acceptance

Over the past few months, there's been a number of things in my life that have reached completion. It's a good feeling to put these things aside, to know why, or know the solution, or to know enough to just let them go. Here's what's gone on....

Digestion problems are over! and with it, many of my problems with general discomfort that makes me angry. Multiple problems with this: artificial sweeteners are bad for my gall bladder (probably for everyone's) and I can't eat wheat products. No formal diagnosis of Celiac Disease, but having a couple of friends who have Celiac made me aware that my problems could have to do with grain sensitivity.

And sure enough! I stopped eating wheat, rye, and barley. Watching for malt as well. Sure enough, I've had very little problem with gas, bloating, and other rather nasty digestive after-effects that make life complete misery.

Subsequently, I've been enjoying eating things I haven't been able to eat for years! Eggs, beans, a whole host of other stuff too. Food tastes better, and it's so nice to not have to worry about whether or not my stomach's going to swell up.

Downside to all of this: weight gain. slight, but still gain. Part of that is getting used to being full without being bloated. The sign of being full was always bloat due to the allergic reaction to part of what I had eaten. Now, without the bloat, I must become conscious of having eaten enough. I'm trying not to worry too much about it, but it's hard not to when the little pointer on the scale keeps going up and clothes are a bit more snug than two weeks ago....

Family problems are over! That's been solved by simply not calling them any more. The straw that broke this camel's back was when my father told me he'd taken out a "second mortgage" (or home equity loan) to pay the mortgage on my sister's house. He was saying that it was because she was out of work (not for long though--only about a month or so) and she was saying it was because he insisted on doing so. All I know is that she is now bleeding the equity out of my parents' home to pay for her own. Nice sister I have there. Fuck them all.

And, honestly, I don't feel much guilt. How can you feel guilt about someone who really isn't concerned about your welfare as much as he is about how you can serve his needs??

It's also lead me to make peace with my Mother's memory and legacy. For the longest time I didn't understand my Mother--why she did the things she did, why she was so mean and sometimes so crazy. But by seeing my father in full unfettered bloom, without my Mother, I see what a monster he can be. I don't care if he was raised (or not) by wolves or whatever his familial dysfunction was--he was abusive to my Mother, who was the only person in his life who really cared about him and who tried to make his life better.

She did so at the sacrifice of her youngest kid.

Mom spent most of her life trying to corral my father and to placate my sister. I have no idea what happened before I was born, but I do understand now what a creep he was to her. Because I see the way he treats me, the way he behaves without her there, his poor impulse control, his "addictions," his cruelty.

I now fully understand why she was pushing me to marry and get out of the house: she was afraid for me, afraid he'd hurt me, afraid of so many things. She was afraid I'd get hurt in the world, as much as she was afraid I'd get hurt at home. So, she pushed, and pushed and screamed and yelled and acted like she hated me.

When she really didn't. She had to deal with keeping my father out of trouble, and with my sister and her particular level of instability and misery. I was left to fend for myself in so many ways, and really didn't do such a hot job of raising myself. But I get it now. I really get it.

And I see where I am so much like my Mother--not just in body build, but in heart. I'm always looking for love, looking for reasons "why," looking for ways to fix people or to help them. It used to be at the sacrifice of myself--like her. Not any more though.

All of this has helped me to understand why things have gone on so long with Steady Eddie. I don't call the guy that for nothing. He's been the one person in my life who's provided kindness and stability--one might call it "unconditional love"--and a safe place for me in the world. He's also filled the missing mother role (as much as he's filled the missing father role) giving me undivided attention as well as "unconditional love."

This kind of relationship, though, makes sex rather strange, if not totally non-existent. Not to mention that "children" often want to break free of the cocoon of family, stretch their wings and fly away....

Not to mention that Lucky Bastard is finally gone. A number of things happened: one of them being that he's getting divorced. Now, in other instances, this might be a good thing. But in ours, it just meant that the fantasy began to peel away around the edges, like failing wallpaper. This was something he couldn't deal with. Between the two of us, he always had to be the one who had his shit together. He needed to feel superior to someone like me. That wasn't the case any more. His world, the fantasy world of the perfect middle class family, was falling apart, and he couldn't accept that deep-down he was some kind of strange and kinky bohemian.

Too bad though.

While I was on a business trip I sent him a text message: Don't call me any more.

It's been two months since then. I haven't heard from him--and don't expect to hear from him any more.

He's got to deal with himself, and accept who he is, not try to chase down another perfect American Dream, which will simply unravel again because it isn't what, deep down, he's really all about.

Too bad for him. But okay for me. I don't need the whining and the strange politics that are cover-ups for a mess inside.

Overall, I feel settled--ready to move on. I don't know what exactly I'm moving on *to.* I still have to contend with making money, and a money-making situation that's still pretty sub-standard. I have to deal with the boredom I feel in the town which I live--albeit a very nice place, it doesn't hold much for me in particular and personally. There's still a feeling of inferiority around some people and in some places that isn't totally resolved, and may be one of those things that might never be. I don't consider myself a good writer-I consider myself a pretty crappy writer. That might change, and it might not....

But we probably never fully resolve all our conflicts and all our insecurities. That's just human nature, I believe. We do, however, get to a place where some things are complete and some things are accepted.

Then, we move forward.....