Understanding what it means to be "in love"

I've always maintained that I really didn't understand what was meant by "in love." And not just that I didn't understand it--but also that I didn't *feel* it.

I now know that what I was feeling, sometimes, that literally, viscerally, felt so weird was the fear of love. Love can be painful when you don't really know what it is...

And I never knew what being "in love" was all about. There was never anyone who could explain it. So many gave me their experience, with the "your mileage may vary" caveat--something to the effect of "well, it may not be that way for you..."

What the hell was that supposed to mean? That statement never helped. It only left me more confused.

Now, though, after many relationships, and lots of trial and error and bad decisions, I think I've figured out what it is (for me, of course--your mileage may vary...)

The other day, I brought Steady Eddie back to my apartment after he went thru a procedure called a "cardioversion" (where the heart is stopped and re-started...) I had to help him from the car, and we walked across the parking lot with him leaning on me....

It was then that I realized I was supporting him, in more ways than one...and that I'd been there to support and take care of him in other ways as well. and that it wasn't a bad thing that took away from my life...

In fact, it made me feel good to be there for him.

As he was sleeping off the anesthesia, I got to thinking more about him, and my feelings kind of got the best of me. There was this overwhelming caring for him, like a need to nurture.

I've since learned that this nurture thing isn't bad either. It's a motherly instinct, and even men have a need to nurture-- a fatherly instinct, if you may--but it expresses itself differently. Where as women care *for* (as in caring for needs) men seem to care *about* (as in how those needs are met.) It's a fascinating complementarity and one that is needed for the raising of children...

and then I was thinking "this is a good man. he's done much for me, without asking for anything in return. he's generous. he cares what happens to me....."

More importantly, I care about what happens to him.

When I feel things this deeply, I get little images in my mind's eye. I don't know what these images are about, and I'm sure there are lots of interpretations of the symbols in them. But I had one of those images occur in my mind's eye, and it was of me and him, with a yard full of children running around...

This wasn't the first time I saw Steady Eddie with children. A few years ago, when we were sitting on the couch, I just had an image of him holding a child, and the child with a hand on Steady Eddie's face.

And I thought "this man would make a good father..."

I don't know if I ever felt this way about any man before. I think, though, that this might be what some men feel about the women they are dating, and that's what takes a guy to go from being just some guy to being the guy who proposes.

It's something more than sex. Sex doesn't have to be there to have these feelings.

I didn't want to tell Steady Eddie how I felt. These feelings were, to me, something I should just keep to myself, lest he laugh at me or something.

There was no expressing of feelings like this in my family. In my family you just fought and got mad at each other. Fighting, forcing people to do things for you and manipulating people was how you got them to be "loyal" to you--but doing that never engendered love, and, IMO, kind of goes counter to what love is supposed to feel like.

When you're always fighting, when getting love and support is a duel unto the death or a game of manipulation, all you can feel is anger and resentment towards the others. When what should be given freely carries a huge price tag, it makes you wonder if it's worth it at all...

It makes you even wonder what "love" really is about...because it's got to be more than the rancorous misery you're experiencing on a daily basis.

So, later that evening, after he'd eaten some chicken soup I'd made from scratch, and was up and alert, I said, "I have something to tell you..."

I didn't want to, really, because I was afraid. But I took his big hand in my two small hands and said "you know I love you...."

"Yes, I know," he said, "we both love each other..."

"No, wait, this is different...let me explain...I really love you. You're a good man, with much to offer. You have a generous heart. You're very caring and nurturing. and I think you'd make a good father....and I think I'd like us to be more than just drifting the way we are. We need to have something more significant. Something more enduring...like family...I need more from you..."

He sighed heavily, "I didn't think that was an option for me anymore..."

"I know," I said and patted his hand, "and I don't expect you to give me an answer right away. I know you need to think about it, and that's ok. But there's one thing: I don't want to keep going the way we are. We need to move on this. And if you find that you don't want to, that you don't feel about me the way I feel about you, that's o.k. You'll have to cut me loose though--you can't keep me hanging on because it's not fair and I want to be able to love and have a life that I deserve, with someone who wants the same with me..."

He nodded...and we left it at that...

We haven't mentioned it, but it's only been a day or so. And there's been a huge, emotional, history making election since then. But I've been thinking about that image, and wondering what it means...

Years ago, when learning dream interpretation, I learned that dreaming children doesn't mean that you're literally going to have them. Children often mean hope for the future. They represent the future and possibilities. That so many of them were running around makes me think that maybe I have a lot of hope for a future between us, because he is a good man and I want to be there to support him in many ways, not just when he's ill.

The nurturing part means I want children. That's a visceral feeling. That's different than the images in my mind's eye.

But I understand, too, that if he doesn't want what I want, that I need to walk away. There is no sense in being with someone who can't see what you see, or feel the way that you feel. When a relationship is skewed that way, it's a power struggle, not a relationship.

And one should never start a marriage with a power-struggle. There will be plenty of time for those after the marriage...

So, I understand that I am really in love with this man, but that when you really love someone, you also love yourself enough not to throw yourself on the sword of the relationship, and not to sacrifice yourself for a love that isn't returned. If the love isn't there, it is best to walk away--because love is not to be squandered by giving it to someone who doesn't feel the same way. When he doesn't feel the same way, it's a power thing. To have someone love you, who you don't love back, is power over another. It can give you a big head, make you do mean things, disrespect the other person. So, it is best to walk away when love isn't returned...

Because love comes back. Infatuation, and sex, die--that's why those two things create such a heady tonic that you can think you'll never find another person who makes you feel so intensely ever again. Love, though, really doesn't have that effect. Love, when you feel it for real, teaches you that you are not a doormat, that sex is sex, not love, and that there are many good people in the world, not just this one single person. When you know this, you can walk away when it is not returned...

Because you know you can love again.

So, no matter the outcome of this thing between Steady Eddie and myself, at least I know that I'm not a lost cause who will never find another man as good as him. Actually, if it's not him, I may even be able to find someone who's a whole lot better suited for me, who understands Scooby Doo jokes and likes old movies, and who's also a good person with a generous and loving heart.

Love, even when lost, leaves hope in its wake. It's hope, grounded and real, that leads to love.