There are few things that piss me off more than twenty-something women writing sex advice books.
What got me started on this one was finding out about a new book titled "Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity" by Lauren F. Winner, former book editor at BeliefNet and the author of "Girl Meets God," a memoir of her spiritual journey to Evangleical Christianity. Ms. Winner is only 28, but, apparently, she knows what 'real sex' is, and has laid out (pardon the pun) her own sordid sexual history as proof that she knows from whence she speaks.
Oh, really???
She's not the only young person who seems to believe, for one reason or another, that she knows everything about sex because she lost her virginity young and catted around for awhile. There are several others, writing cheeky little advice columns and saucy little memoirs here and there, but aside from pretty faces and young bodies, I truly wonder what they really know about sex other than the stuff they've read in textbooks and experienced with other young fumblers or dirty old men.
Sex is a fascinating experience, and, to my belief, it takes a lifetime to experience and discover. Each decade of my life since the time I lost my virginity at 15 (strangely, the same age as Ms. Winner, but in a far different decade) to the present has revealed a myriad of secrets and understanding about sex and sexuality--not just of my own sexuality, but the sexualities of the many unique individuals I have encountered on my journey. As my body has aged and I've grown in wisdom and life experience, the experience of sex has become more rich and wonderful.
But I understand that my sexual (and relationship) journey is its own little Special Place and that some people couldn't walk the same bramble-strewn road. And I like that they know not to try it. One can't walk this particular Way without long pants...or without a certain mental constitution that allows for it.
So, Ms. Winner may be right in her assertion there is a special sex that comes with being happily married--I've heard stories of it from friends of mine who are not specifically Christian, but still have a great sex life, and from a friend who is amazingly Catholic yet has quite the sex life. Although I tend to think that those relationships are exceptional and are ideals that not everyone can reach. I wonder if Ms. Winner realizes that small fact of life. I wonder, too, if she knows that not every righteous Christian marriage is sexually gratifying for both partners. Her narrow-mindedness and Christian certitude might limit her capacity to appreciate that not everybody is capable of being happily married, Christian or Otherwise.
In general, I wonder if someone, at 28, can appreciate that the human psyche can be torn and damaged in ways that faith and belief and even large doses of wonderful love cannot cure. I wonder if someone at 28 can imagine that even the most special and sexual of youthful marriages sometimes falter and people sometimes stray--and that this does not make those who stray "evil" and in need of redemption.
There is so much about life, sex, and love that a person of 28 has yet to learn. Even my friends with great marriages and healthy sex lives acknoledge this one. Ms. Winner seems to have found a way of life that works for her, and might work for other young people, but I do believe that no matter how many men she has slept with and no matter how many times she can call herself a "whore" (a very negative self-judgment if I do say), it is highly presumptuous of her to say that she knows the difference between "real" sex and "fake" sex. At the least, what's 'real' and 'fake' are subjective judgements and are ones that will, if one continues to grow and mature, change with the wisdom of age.
Call me in a couple of years Lauren, and let the old Mistress know if she's right ;-)
What got me started on this one was finding out about a new book titled "Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity" by Lauren F. Winner, former book editor at BeliefNet and the author of "Girl Meets God," a memoir of her spiritual journey to Evangleical Christianity. Ms. Winner is only 28, but, apparently, she knows what 'real sex' is, and has laid out (pardon the pun) her own sordid sexual history as proof that she knows from whence she speaks.
Oh, really???
She's not the only young person who seems to believe, for one reason or another, that she knows everything about sex because she lost her virginity young and catted around for awhile. There are several others, writing cheeky little advice columns and saucy little memoirs here and there, but aside from pretty faces and young bodies, I truly wonder what they really know about sex other than the stuff they've read in textbooks and experienced with other young fumblers or dirty old men.
Sex is a fascinating experience, and, to my belief, it takes a lifetime to experience and discover. Each decade of my life since the time I lost my virginity at 15 (strangely, the same age as Ms. Winner, but in a far different decade) to the present has revealed a myriad of secrets and understanding about sex and sexuality--not just of my own sexuality, but the sexualities of the many unique individuals I have encountered on my journey. As my body has aged and I've grown in wisdom and life experience, the experience of sex has become more rich and wonderful.
But I understand that my sexual (and relationship) journey is its own little Special Place and that some people couldn't walk the same bramble-strewn road. And I like that they know not to try it. One can't walk this particular Way without long pants...or without a certain mental constitution that allows for it.
So, Ms. Winner may be right in her assertion there is a special sex that comes with being happily married--I've heard stories of it from friends of mine who are not specifically Christian, but still have a great sex life, and from a friend who is amazingly Catholic yet has quite the sex life. Although I tend to think that those relationships are exceptional and are ideals that not everyone can reach. I wonder if Ms. Winner realizes that small fact of life. I wonder, too, if she knows that not every righteous Christian marriage is sexually gratifying for both partners. Her narrow-mindedness and Christian certitude might limit her capacity to appreciate that not everybody is capable of being happily married, Christian or Otherwise.
In general, I wonder if someone, at 28, can appreciate that the human psyche can be torn and damaged in ways that faith and belief and even large doses of wonderful love cannot cure. I wonder if someone at 28 can imagine that even the most special and sexual of youthful marriages sometimes falter and people sometimes stray--and that this does not make those who stray "evil" and in need of redemption.
There is so much about life, sex, and love that a person of 28 has yet to learn. Even my friends with great marriages and healthy sex lives acknoledge this one. Ms. Winner seems to have found a way of life that works for her, and might work for other young people, but I do believe that no matter how many men she has slept with and no matter how many times she can call herself a "whore" (a very negative self-judgment if I do say), it is highly presumptuous of her to say that she knows the difference between "real" sex and "fake" sex. At the least, what's 'real' and 'fake' are subjective judgements and are ones that will, if one continues to grow and mature, change with the wisdom of age.
Call me in a couple of years Lauren, and let the old Mistress know if she's right ;-)
posted by Tish Grier at 12:17 AM
2 Comments:
It turns out Lauren was only married a couple of months by the time she finished the book. And she was apparently only celibate for a couple of years between the ages of 15 and 28. So I don't think she's exactly qualified to extoll the virtues of celibacy OR married sex either. :-)
More info on her at http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/13/fashion/13WINN.html?pagewanted=print&position=&oref=login
As someone who's been in a monogamous relationship for 10+ years, I think it's a bit presumptuous of her to encourage celibacy in favor of the specialness of married sex when she as yet has no idea what she's talking about. Of course there are women who've been married 30+ years who'd probably tell me to put a cork in it until I've experienced pregnant sex, sex with small children in the house, sex when you want to kill the teenagers in the house, sex when the kids have finally moved out of the house, and geriatric sex. :-) Like you said, sex takes a lifetime to experience, whatever your own lifetime holds...
Thanks, Jen!
Sounds like L.W. is in the "honeymoon phase" of her marriage, and of course sex is going to be great at that time. It makes me want to say "call me in a few years, chickie, after life has interrupted the honeymoon."
Someone asked me yesterday how she might have got the book contract for this...apparently, her viewpoint fits a certain agenda, which could be part of it...the other part being that she's a photogenic young woman. As we all know, sex sells.
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