Trust Matters

On Saturday, Steady Eddie came over so that we could go to lunch. I was sitting in front of the computer, as per usual these days--ferociously reading, furiously typing.

"I was just thinking, " he began, "it might be good if you got away from the computer for a little bit. you know, just to clear your head, and then you could get back to it."

I grunted. Got up from the computer, got dressed to go out....

As we were driving, I turned to him: "do you think I'm wasting my time with what I'm doing these days?"

"well, I can't say. I'm not totally sure what exactly you're doing. I'm not sure I understand all of it," he answered.

Everything he said wasn't sitting all that well with me. I wanted to hear him tell me I was wasting my time. Go get a real job. Stop wishing on stars and chasing rainbows that only rich girls can afford to chase.

"you know, I don't really *trust* you," I confessed..."I mean, I don't know whether to trust your opinion on what I'm doing or if I should not listen to you at all. You know why, don't you?"

"I have an idea," he answered, "but I'm not about to tell you what to do or not do with your life. I can't really do that. It's your life, maybe you know better."

I fear trusting him. Trusting my parent's opnion on things like life and career was always a double edged sword. They wanted to protect me, but they also didn't want me to go very far from home. Not that I am incapacitated or something and need to be protected. Rather, they were determined to keep me home for their own personal needs moreso than because of anything particular about me.

When your parents are abused and neglected, forced out of home and into the world at the ages of 12 (my father) and 14 (my mother), there is a need to cling as much as a need to care for. The need to cling, to create a mother out of a child can be a far stronger drive than the noble parental motive of encournaging a child's independence.

I married and left home, twice; the second time ended up marrying a man so insecure that he, too, needed to transform me into his mother.

No wonder I never had children.

So, when Steady Eddie, quite innocently and with true caring, expressed basic concern over my current computer obsession, I wondered if it genuinely had to do with me or with some unmet, unaware of, need in him.

And I realized that, deep down, I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to intimate relationships. I don't trust that I could pick someone who could care for me enough to let me do something totally foolish, fall on my ass, and not say "I told you so" or leave me economically and emotionally stranded. I feel there is some string attached, somewhere, that is going to keep me in one place, wings sufficiently clipped, so I don't fly away, don't use my potential, becasue this little nightengale's song is far too precious and not quite good enough to be out there in the world...

I remember my mother and sister used to love to say to me: "well, we never really thought you could do it. we figured we'd let you try it, but we knew you wouldn't be able to do it."

So, whatever I tried, it was at their largess. And if I failed, they knew I would. Sixth sense. Pre-ordained.

No wonder I don't believe any more in clairvoyance and calvinist predestination.

So I always worry and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I don't trust anyone who's close to me when he tries to encourage me or support me. I'm looking for that boot that will kick the pedistal out from under me, that bucket of cold water that will fall on my head when I open the door after opportunity has knocked and I foolishly tried to answer.

And I am happy there is no pressure to marry. No pressure to move in and for two to become one. I'm fine as one thankyouverymuch. I can't trust that I won't hear "I told you so" or "I love you, stay with me, I don't know what I'd do without you" once I'm under the same roof.

I might indeed be on the wrong road right now. I might indeed be digging my unemployment hole much, much deeper. I don't know what the outcome will be to any of my spelunking in the blog and writing worlds any more than he does at this moment. I want to be able to present him with a total blueprint and a complete, compact, successful resolution. All tied up neatly with a big pink bow. Because I don't want to hear "I told you so" one more time in my life.

But adult life is messy, and there are no absolutes, and whenever you think you know what God's preordained, you couldn't be further from the truth.

I am further from the truth and further from knowing the outcome of my actions than I've ever been. That is the only thing I can truly trust.