The Measure of a Woman

I am still picking up on events from Blogher...

Along with Amy Garhan's outing, there was another nasty little exchange that happened after the whole event. I first read it at Grace D's blog , then found another post on it at Ronni Bennett's blog...

From both recounts, ...Ambra Nykola, a rather young woman, drew her poisoned pen and aimed at Koan Bremner...

Ambra gets alot of things wrong in her post. First, she doesn't seem to know the difference between a transvestite and someone who is transgendered. Now, I'm sure some of this comes from going to lilly white prep schools where these sorts of things don't happen--but, given I cut my teeth nightclubbing in NYC in the 1980's, and then had the fascinating experience of working as a pro-domme for a year, I kinda learned the distinct difference between the two. One key and most important difference between the two is that there is alot more to being transgendered than getting an emotional need met from wearing women's clothing. Transgendered women like Koan go thru a heck of alot because there is something more than just this emotional need.

And one can further understand the difference by spending quality time with those whose need to dress like a woman is purely emotional--and have no desire to go thru the hormones and surgery necessary to fully become a woman. They are, to some degree, content with being men, but on occasion want to express their "feminine side" for a number of reasons that vary from person to person.

Femininity is not a "side" to Koan. It is who she is. She would not be going thru all she is if the "need" could be met simply by dressing up.

Men can be masochistic--but there are limits even to the most extreme of masochists.

(short aside--Koan nudged me a bit in a post on her blog that for some reason I was unable to leave a comment to. I sent her an email with the post--which talks about my own struggle with my own voice--being yelled at by mom for the squeaky girl, to Mike Myers as Linda Richman, to having to ditch the Jerseyisms and bring the timber of my voice up just a bit to fit in better with the folks up here in the North--hope she can post it for me.)

The other thing that I find to be a flat-out expression of the hubris of youth is the "no uteris, no option" comment--even though she tries to retract this later in the comments....basically, we are only women if we use our bodies to produce babies...(and saying that quote comes from Rachel Green, the most vapid character on the most contrived of sitcoms, Friends, just shows a bit more...)

And wow...I've got a big problem with that one. I have chosen, consciously, not to have children. It is my right to do so. It is my right not to bear a child with a man who will not cherish that child in the same way. It is my right and responsibility not to bear a child if I cannot care for it properly.

It seems that, to follow Ambra's logic, those who are basically irresponsible for the control of their hormones and of their uterii, who bear children without thinking of the responsibilities or consequences, are more entitled to be called women than I am because I chose to be responsible and not put myself in a position where I would raise a nasty, dysfunctional brat who might end up being more of a problem than a solution in this society.

Her comments also negate the experiences of women who, for one reason or another, cannont bear children at all. Many, many women suffer from a variety of physical conditions--from thyroid and immune system disorders, to hysterectomy and ovary-removal--that effect their ability to pollute the gene pool (to quote an old friend of mine)

But, as I said, most of this comes down to the hubris of youth....and speaks to a certain lack of life experience.

And yet, when I look at the comments to her post, I am amazed at the number of comment made by men who appear to support her...

then again, the hubis of youth.

When Nykola's looks begin to fade, and her genetics catch up with her, she may begin to see the gentlemen's active, vocal support stepping aside a bit more. That action will have far less to do with her conservative viewpoint and far more with what she presents to them in photographs. Men, after all, are visual creatures, and, for some, the site of a thin young thing mouthing off about a status quo that seems to support their inclinations of how the world should be....well, that just gives them big old happy woodies.

Men sometimes hear with the little head as much as they think with it...and when you're getting a few gray hairs, and parts of your body aren't where they used to be; and those trendy fashions either don't come in your size or make you look like you're trying to be something you're not any longer; and that strong will becomes an expression of bitchyness--well, many of those "men" will be on to the next fecund female with the latest hair trend...

And I know that, too, from personal experience.

So, we learned alot at Blogher last weekend-- we learned that polyamory isn't really about sexuality inasmuch as it is about relationships (I think I'm getting that one in my own life), that sometimes you have to keep your mouth shut about your lifestyle for one reason or another, that a transvestite is not the same as a transgendered individual, and that those of us who aren't reproductive, or carry the organs to reproduce, aren't necessarily women.

And all the time trying to figure out how to crack the A-list and improve our linking strategies.

Thank god women are good at multi-tasking...